MIL insisting on Christmas Day

[BaklavaPalava]

DH and I are trying to sort Christmas and he’s getting some pushback from MIL, so I wanted neutral views.

Background is we’re married, no kids yet. DH and I got married a few years back and have spent each Christmas Day with one side of the family (my parents are separated so for example we spent one year with MIL and FIL, another with my dad, another with MIL and FIL). We have not been to my mum’s yet since we got married except for an hour or so last year to give presents as due to everyone’s work/holiday etc schedules it was the only day suitable.
We live within a hour drive from my mum and about 20 mins from MIL. MIL is also within an hour drive to my mums. So both families are local-ish but not close enough to pop across the road. MIL is insisting we come to hers on Christmas Day before or after going to my mums. My husband said what about boxing day but MIL said that it’s “not Christmas”. She told FIL that apparently DH might not come over on Christmas Day and apparently FIL thought she was joking and that he couldn’t believe it. Going in the morning would mean rushing all our prep, cooking, gifts, getting ready and driving around before even getting to my mum’s.
Husband said he doesn’t want to start the day stressed or rushing so he’d rather go to MILS on boxing day. MIL then pointed out a picture to him of MIL, FIL, DH and his siblings and siblings kids and she said you need to remember family forever and be more involved. For context, a lot of the family events are held on a day when he works and are chosen on a particular day to suit another family member so he doesn’t attend, but if they’re on a day he can attend he usually does. But generally he is the one who phones MIL to catch up with her every week, not the other way around. I wouldn't say we don’t get along but there have been comments over the years eg her saying she would object at our wedding because he’s her son, things like that, but this was a long time ago and things have been better since).
I am trying to be accommodating but AIBU to think we’ve already been twice for Christmas day in recent years so this should be a total non-issue and boxing day is just as good a time as any? It also means if we went on Christmas day we’d only be going for an hour or so which would feel very rushed and I know she’d say that we didn’t stay long. For those wondering, Mil will have anywhere from 5-10 guests so won’t be alone. My husband said not to worry about it because he’s not but I just wanted to share and ask WWYD because I just want peace and to get along.

Listen to your husband. Boxing day or "shame. We'll have to arrange another day then." She's being unreasonable and demanding and no good will come of it if you capitulate now.

Go to your mums, tell her you can come to her on Boxing Day but would prefer her to come to yours, then concede doing Boxing Day at hers. Next Christmas I think you and dh are going on holiday, but tell them (and book) at Easter. She needs to live the new normal.

It’s your mums year and they should be the whole day, like your MIL gets, otherwise next year she’ll have you for half a day only - she’s being a selfish brat
also what’s this about her objecting at your wedding 😳😳 was she drunk when she mentioned this?!

She wants to have her cake and eat it doesn't she?
She'll see you when she sees you
And it sounds like she'll have her court in attendance anyways

She sounds a bit too old not to have learned how to take turns yet. Ignore her nonsense. Don't reward it.

@BaklavaPalava what happened in the end?

@MySilentLionsOnly seeing this now and replying so I hope there aren’t too many “it’s June” comments down thread! In the end he went over on his own for a couple hours during the day on Christmas Eve (I was running errands) but we spent the evening doing our own thing as we go to church and do some other things together. The next day we went to my mums for Christmas Day and then the evening after that we went to his mums. Nothing was said by her to us but apparently an extended relative made a comment that it “wasn’t on” that my husband wasn’t there with them all on Christmas Eve and that she’d be having a word with him about it and that family won’t be around forever (despite him being there on Christmas Eve and on Boxing Day). I think this year we’d like to stay at home, so watch this space I guess lol

You must put your foot down and do what you want while you don’t have kids

it only gets worse.

one year we tried to keep everyone happy by spending Christmas Day with time at my parents, time at DH parents then home for dinner. We were all knackered and all miserable as over stimulated and tired and it was too much rushing from one house to another and felt like a production line iof presents. Was hideous.

after that we alternated one parent had Christmas day , 1 Boxing Day or we did Christmas at home and people came to us. Much more manageable and enjoyable.

don’t engage with any emotional blackmail etc. state clearly what you are doing and if she choses to tantrum like a toddler so be it.

you have to be clear and absolutely resolute .

don’t budge on your position.

Well done for sticking to your guns absolutely ridiculous for her to expect every Christmas! We planned to do one year my parents Xmas day and his Boxing Day then swap the following year, fell at the hurdle of the first year as I didn’t want my parents on their own and then his the following year so now we have both sets of parents every Xmas at either our house or one of theirs!! Good job they all get on!!

My husband said not to worry about it because he’s not but I just wanted to share and ask WWYD because I just want peace and to get along.

That isn’t good enough now, OP.

You and you husband are a family unit and come first. Plus as others have said, if you have children they will be your family, too.

From now on, Christmas is in your own home. Be wary of creating an expectation that you host everyone else, too. Keeping the peace sounds nice but it’s a cop out and creates resentment.