MIL insisting on Christmas Day

[BaklavaPalava]

DH and I are trying to sort Christmas and he’s getting some pushback from MIL, so I wanted neutral views.

Background is we’re married, no kids yet. DH and I got married a few years back and have spent each Christmas Day with one side of the family (my parents are separated so for example we spent one year with MIL and FIL, another with my dad, another with MIL and FIL). We have not been to my mum’s yet since we got married except for an hour or so last year to give presents as due to everyone’s work/holiday etc schedules it was the only day suitable.
We live within a hour drive from my mum and about 20 mins from MIL. MIL is also within an hour drive to my mums. So both families are local-ish but not close enough to pop across the road. MIL is insisting we come to hers on Christmas Day before or after going to my mums. My husband said what about boxing day but MIL said that it’s “not Christmas”. She told FIL that apparently DH might not come over on Christmas Day and apparently FIL thought she was joking and that he couldn’t believe it. Going in the morning would mean rushing all our prep, cooking, gifts, getting ready and driving around before even getting to my mum’s.
Husband said he doesn’t want to start the day stressed or rushing so he’d rather go to MILS on boxing day. MIL then pointed out a picture to him of MIL, FIL, DH and his siblings and siblings kids and she said you need to remember family forever and be more involved. For context, a lot of the family events are held on a day when he works and are chosen on a particular day to suit another family member so he doesn’t attend, but if they’re on a day he can attend he usually does. But generally he is the one who phones MIL to catch up with her every week, not the other way around. I wouldn't say we don’t get along but there have been comments over the years eg her saying she would object at our wedding because he’s her son, things like that, but this was a long time ago and things have been better since).
I am trying to be accommodating but AIBU to think we’ve already been twice for Christmas day in recent years so this should be a total non-issue and boxing day is just as good a time as any? It also means if we went on Christmas day we’d only be going for an hour or so which would feel very rushed and I know she’d say that we didn’t stay long. For those wondering, Mil will have anywhere from 5-10 guests so won’t be alone. My husband said not to worry about it because he’s not but I just wanted to share and ask WWYD because I just want peace and to get along.

We told our adult kids many years ago that they should spend Christmas doing what suits them best.

We live in a nearby country and with work commitments we haven’t seen either of them and their families during the Christmas period in over 16yrs. 🤷🏻‍♀️

They usually try and arrange to visit us or we visit them during the summer at some point annually. We live in a popular tourist area so they enjoy spending holidays with us.

I know one of my DIL’s has a mum like your MIL who insists on seeing them on Christmas Day and her ex husband sees them on Boxing Day. Her mum never considers us at all.

WW3 would break out if we suggested they visit us with the grandchildren at Christmas instead of going to hers. So we won’t put that pressure on our lovely DIL. I know she’s grateful for that.

Christmas is really just another day out of 365 and it’s silly to get so obsessed about it to the point of falling out with your nearest and dearest.

Given the above, I think your DH should firmly say NO to his mum’s request this year because otherwise, it’s going to be even harder next time.

If you have children, you need to be able to make your own plans to suit you without feeling beholden to others.

Sounds like she’s stuck in Christmas past. She’s developed the rituals and culture for Xmas since her kids were little or even since she first left home, and has yet to realise there comes a point when those rituals and culture need to be replaced with new ones. That’s about her ability to cope with change she doesn’t want to acknowledge. Fear is driving that. That it’s the thin edge of never ever having all the family round her table again. A form of grief.

I faced this, earlier, when dc were a bit younger. First due to Covid. They simply could not come home due to lockdown even though they were not in comitted relationships. And then in 2021, right off back of that, I ended up divorced. It was a massive shock to me to realise, even with adult kids, I now had to share what precious time they had off work to see their parents was reduced by 50%.

so external circumstances forced me to let go of Xmas past. I treasure those memories and culture, but I’ve now made new ones over last 5 years. They come up together every 3 years, with partners, (they both live over 150 miles away) and then other years they come up in December for my birthday and a bit of Xmas cheer. We do a video call on Xmas day together, whereever they are in the world, to unwrap presents together…and have started a completely new tradition suggested by my DIL, of making a cheap and simple gift for someone (blind names in hat) which we can then guess who made. These are distributed at my birthday weekend .

so, I think you need to tell mil what your future plans will be. Say one in 3 or every other Xmas at hers, and do something else like on Boxing Day. Assure her you aren’t pulling away, don’t love her less, but you love your new wider family equally, and now is time to start to move towards new traditions that deal with this changing circumstances. If kids come into mix it’ll need to evolve further. I’d advise you talk, ask her why she is so reluctant to give up her Xmas tradition, and ask why again, until you uncover what her insecurities are, and then address them. Sure, it’s jumping through hoops, but no one wants to live in situation where Xmas plans cause this much stress,

I wouldn't discuss it any further. Stick to your guns. You've offered boxing day. Your H should say 'I've told you our plans. Let me know if you're up for a boxing day visit '. She's really manipulative.

This is the moment for DH to make it clear that he is an independent adult who will not be dancing to his mother’s tune. Stick to your guns, OP!

You want to keep the peace. She wants her own way.

Those are 2 very different things.

There was another post on here recently with someone in a similar position. my advice that time was not to reward the person having a tanty. You have 2 families and you are being completely reasonable.

Give in now and this will be the rest of your life. And if you have DC it will be 100 times worse.

Tell your MIL that you DO remember family and thats why you are not going to forget about your mum for the 4th year in a row.
If you go to your ILs this year AGAIN then you'd simply have to spend the next 3 with your side to make up for it. Surely she doesnt expect you to never see your mum on xmas again!

Agree with everyone else. She’s being weird.

Christmas is about immediate family first and then making sure everyone else is included - Christmas Eve and Boxing Day are definitely still Christmas in terms of inclusion.

Give yourself the gift that we gave ourselves as a wedding present. Every third Christmas just you, at home together. It breaks up all the drama. And then when you have kids you don't go anywhere on Christmas Day but Boxing Day is open for relatives!

"MIL then pointed out a picture to him of MIL, FIL, DH and his siblings and siblings kids and she said you need to remember family forever and be more involved"

I think this is actually really emotionally manipulative and that would have pissed me right off on your dh behalf. The second your dh got married to you he created his own little family which then becomes first priority over her and his siblings who become his extended family. I also think it's deeply unfair that she thinks she's more of a priority than your own mother is.

Personally I think you're being entirely reasonable and MIL will just need to get used to not dictating, especially if you ever do decide to have kids because you'll need to do what suits them. I absolutely would not be pandering to this and would actually set a routine of your mums this year, mil fil next year your dad's the next year and then repeat in that order so mil knows she'll see you guys on Xmas day every 3 years and on boxing day the other two. This is super common and she needs to grow up a bit. Obviously it would be nice to have everyone together every year, but your parents need to have their turn as well and you also deserve to have an enjoyable day.

Tell her ‘He’s our family now.” In an ominous voice. 😆. ‘We are his chosen ones.”

Glad to hear your DH isn’t yielding to her nonsense.

So glad to be going away for the duration. I can't stand this angst about who and where and when.

Go to your mother's house. Go to MIL boxing day. Live with the fallout if any from people who should be grateful they are still talking to their adult children and not estranged. YET!

Your mum hasn’t spent Christmas with you for three years. It’s not mil’s turn so id not see her on any of the days at all. Just drop presents off for under the tree a week before.

If was you I’d get this boundary in place now so one year is mil FIL, one year you are both together no one else at home, one year is your mum, one year with your dad and so on. And any year anyone behaves like this it becomes another year of both of you together at home.

I’ve not seen any of my parents for Christmas for years now and we had a couple of dodgy Christmases having to oblige my DP’s mum (and sister)….always a complete nightmare. They always want it all on their terms, change the terms and then have arguments between themselves and usually aren’t speaking by Christmas.

A classic example one year my DP was working Christmas Day and they decided that year of all years to invite just him not us (myself and my teenage DC) even though DP told them he’s busy at work. So DP took a special packed lunch to work for brunch, went there for a rushed Christmas dinner after work as didn’t want to upset me and tell me I had been completely excluded (we got no presents that year and had already dropped ours off a fortnight before) and then came home to our supper style meal together as we had planned late at night. My DP told me a couple of days later so i would not be at home all sad on the day but I still got upset that he let them manipulate him. They don’t even send us cards or a text nowadays.

So it’s just myself and my DP and pets at home every year and my DC the years they are free and not working.

I’m just thinking how your Mum must feel! Why the heck should she miss out on seeing you AGAIN because of MIL being a selfish cow? MIL needs a fucking reality check!

Times, they are a-changin'!

Now is the perfect time to start saying no. Don't expect her to make it easy for you though, she doesn't like it and is probably used to getting her own way. It's a battle a lot of people need to have with their parents sooner or later, just part of growing up.

• happy as long as they do what she wants 🤣

"... a lot of the family events are held on a day when he works and are chosen on a particular day to suit another family member ..."
Would it be fair to think that that there is a Favourite Child and it is not your DH?

Back your husband up here - visit them on Boxing Day. She's happy to centre another of her children in her plans, you should centre yourselves.

It's a good idea to set some boundaries now, before you have children. You don't want to feel railroaded into dragging your children away from their new toys just because she 'insists' on Christmas following her preferences. Nope, nopity nope. So get her used to the idea now.

"My husband said not to worry about it because he’s not but I just wanted to share and ask WWYD because I just want peace and to get along."
Your husband sounds like a good 'un. Have a ponder about "I just want peace and to get along"* *- you sound in danger of being a People Pleaser, and that is a very stressful thing to be. A People Pleaser puts her own wants and needs last because they feel they must put the wants and needs of other people first, particularly of those demanding people who love to disrupt everyone's peace and getting along if they're not getting their own way! Don't be a People Pleaser! Put yourselves first.

Oh, and have a lovely Christmas seeing your Mum!

MIL then pointed out a picture to him of MIL, FIL, DH and his siblings and siblings kids and she said you need to remember family forever and be more involved.

If it was me I'd say 'you need to remember I'm family when you schedule events for when my sibling is free but when I'm at work.'

Once married, we always invited both sets to ours. If you do this, she can't say she wasn't invited, but she probably will decline if she wants to host and have other family. Then it's not your problem.

@Lurkingandlearning

Tell her ‘He’s our family now.” In an ominous voice. 😆. ‘We are his chosen ones.”
😂

Late to the party, but tell MIL to grow up

What is FIL's attitude to all this?

MIL needs to accept you have your own family home now! She isn’t Queen Bee and families extending is a good thing.

You need to make firm boundaries and establish sometimes you do things your way and sometimes you say no. This is essential before you bring children into the mix.

It's not up to her.

Let her insist away. I insist you come and cook my Christmas dinner.

@Mothership4two FIL is more passive but would back MIL. I remember a few years back when we were still dating, MIL was upset that DH wasn’t visiting every weekend like he used to and ended up texting her a long paragraph saying things are different now and that we’re going to be moving in together and he’d be spending more time with me. FIL and IIRC SIL texted him saying MIL is crying. DH ended up apologising to keep the peace.

@WhereYouLeftIt I wouldn’t say an absolute favourite but DH is definitely the least enmeshed and least reliant on them for things. The siblings often get cash handouts, babysitting at weekends to facilitate SIL social life, meals every weekend. DH doesn’t accept due to the invisible strings attached.

For context we don’t go over often and they rarely come here. I think if MIL had been different towards me from the beginning instead of seeing me as someone who was taking DH away then things could have been different. But them’s the brakes. We get along fine generally in small increments, but I find a lot of it a bit performative eg things like nobody could know that SIL was renting (despite nobody else of her generation in the family owning their home yet), nobody can know how old MIL is, etc. We both find the negativity and comments about other people when we do visit quite grating and it’s not good for either of us because DH and I can end up bickering afterwards over something or other that was said. Sad but true.

I think couples that make it clear that they will spend Christmas day as they want from the very beginning are wise.
Saying you will spend the day at home going forward and meet up over the holiday at some point serves those will demanding unreasonable family very well.
No discussion, just this is what we are doing going forward.

ABSOLUTELY THIS! With bells on!