Should I give this new bloke a second chance?

[Koenig]

I’ve been talking to this guy for maybe four months. In the last month we have been referring to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend.

I really like A LOT about him. He’s ambitious, funny, charismatic and quite good looking.

BUT. Twice now he has indirectly offended me. And tbh it’s enough for me to think it’s not going work. I genuinely do feel like it’s not intentional. Not that that makes it any better

One time I said “oh, should I come over I can come over with my cue cards and help you make notes”. BF was studying for an accreditation via his job. He replied with “haha, it’s cute you think you could help”. Fucking excuse me. Not to big myself up but I went to a grammar school, got a place at a top uni and secured a top grad scheme job. I’m no dummie! I absolutely could’ve helped him out even though I know very little about his field. Even if just by making dinner.

And then a second time I drew him a little doodle when he said he was having a hard day (it was a little doodle giving a virtual hug). He didn’t say thanks just “no idea what that says”. Okay, the attempt at calligraphy style writing wasn’t perfect but damn I tried to do a nice thing. Made me feel a bit stupid for even making the effort.

I don’t know. He apologised for being stressed. But I just am so unsure. It hurt when he said those things. It’s only small but it seems way too early for him to be so callous.

Or am I being dramatic?

BUT. Twice now he has indirectly offended me. And tbh it’s enough for me to think it’s not going work.

If you really think it’s not going to work because of these two (very minor) incidents, I think you should end it. But for his sake, not yours. He’d probably be better off with someone less petty and needy.

There was probably some confusion over your offer of help for his studies, as you offered to bring your cue cards, but then said in your post you could’ve helped by making him dinner. Did you actually offer to make him dinner? Or are you just saying that now to back pedal? You don’t need cue cards to make dinner. He probably found it a bit condescending that you thought you could help him with his studies, when this is his field of expertise and you know very little about it, yet you still think u can provide help. He may have felt belittled. Maybe if you left out the cue card suggestion and actually just offered to help by making dinner, he might have been more forthcoming.

As for the virtual hug… i just don’t really get that… but I am 36, maybe just too old for that!

Your being very dramatic yes

youve made a complete story up about him insulting you when you don’t know what he was thinking. You sound like you have a chip on your shoulder

I don't think you're being that unreasonable, but offering to help and support when he clearly doesn't want it, seems demeaning to yourself.

If you are the supportive type then maybe find someone who wants your support, but if it's an effort to see him when he's busy then you might think about why you do that.

Maybe back off and see if he comes running.

Not all adults. Some adults find them really off putting.

My interpretation though is that she didn’t actually offer to cook him dinner. She offered to come with her cue cards and help him study, and it was that help that he declined. I read it as she’s just saying to us “I could’ve helped by making dinner”… but did she actually offer that to her boyfriend? I’m not sure.

Just ask him to explain what he means when he says that. Don't guess

He may not have come across "cue notes" and he might have thought you meant "cute notes" ie missed out the "t" by accident and that is why he said "cute to offer" and not be making a perjoritive comment about your abilities at all.

I don’t understand the doodle thing, you say you doodled a hug. He said he didn’t know what it said, and you said the calligraphy wasn’t great. You don’t read a doodle, it’s a picture? What did it look like? Did it just look like nonsense scrawl? If so then fair he asked what it was. If it was a picture and easy to tell what it was then a bit more harsh.

Also it might help some but others might find it too distracting

I don't know anything about his field, but I could have helped him. Says it all, really

You are a raging RED flag! He needs to run and fast...

This really. So presumptuous.

You sound young and extremely naive. I think you just need to relax and stop over thinking. You will push this guy away with creating drama from such small, insignificant things.

Hmmm , basic secondary school education here , no uni , and no top grad scheme job but I know ' dummie ' is spelt dummy . Your dummie ( with an added s ) is the plural , so perhaps he is on to something .

Probably not adding anything new here - his reply when you offered to help revise was tactless and a little condescending but I can appreciate he likely wants to just focus on doing it his way. And he probably just didn’t understand the doodle. I’d suggest at this early stage of your relationship you cut him a little slack. Unless anything else is going on he’s not being nasty or unkind but a little thoughtless in how he’s responded in these examples. I’d say talk it through with him but your posts make me feel you’re young and inexperienced and you’ve maybe internalised and catastrophised the issue and this is going to end up in tears with you pushing him away. I feel you’ve overreacted.

He replied with “haha, it’s cute you think you could help”.

That would piss me right off and I'd also take it as a warning sign of his underlying view of women.
Second example, meh, wouldn't be bothered.

She isnt though she is late 20s and apparently highly intelligent.

I find it disturbing that so many people seem offended that I’ve merely stated I am intellectually capable. It’s highly misogynistic imo. God forbid a woman knows her strengths AND states them in an anonymous forum.

Offering help that's not been asked for or is unwanted can be a form of control. Messing with someone's notes when they're trying to study for their accreditation exam might be extremely unhelpful and be a huge hindrance.

I think you're trying to rush your relationship a bit and insert yourself more into his life. You've only been together for a month. Give him space and stop overreacting.

Good for you. Have a gold star. I’m sure you NEVER make spelling mistakes.

I disagree with the consensus. He could have replied “that’s kind but I’m ok thanks” to the first and “what does that say?” to the second.

He’s rude and (different but also important) he isn’t on the same level as you with cute gestures etc. I’d be planning to move on. These things DO matter, politeness matters.

Yes you are being silly.
No thanks to cue catds and people fussing around when I am trying to revise.
And no thanks for weird little notes.
I am sure you meant no harm but you are being sensitive, slightly ott and a bit annoying.
Please do not suggest matching PJs at Christmas, it might just finish your relationship.

OP there is something about the way you offered up basic tertiary education as a way to show you can easily help an adult in the real world that got my back up so maybe that was his reaction?

there shouldn’t be this much conflict so early in

Thank you 💫

I wouldn't give anyone a second chance after they hit me with that patronising hehe its cute you think you could help bollocks.
Nope.