Should I give this new bloke a second chance?

[Koenig]

I’ve been talking to this guy for maybe four months. In the last month we have been referring to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend.

I really like A LOT about him. He’s ambitious, funny, charismatic and quite good looking.

BUT. Twice now he has indirectly offended me. And tbh it’s enough for me to think it’s not going work. I genuinely do feel like it’s not intentional. Not that that makes it any better

One time I said “oh, should I come over I can come over with my cue cards and help you make notes”. BF was studying for an accreditation via his job. He replied with “haha, it’s cute you think you could help”. Fucking excuse me. Not to big myself up but I went to a grammar school, got a place at a top uni and secured a top grad scheme job. I’m no dummie! I absolutely could’ve helped him out even though I know very little about his field. Even if just by making dinner.

And then a second time I drew him a little doodle when he said he was having a hard day (it was a little doodle giving a virtual hug). He didn’t say thanks just “no idea what that says”. Okay, the attempt at calligraphy style writing wasn’t perfect but damn I tried to do a nice thing. Made me feel a bit stupid for even making the effort.

I don’t know. He apologised for being stressed. But I just am so unsure. It hurt when he said those things. It’s only small but it seems way too early for him to be so callous.

Or am I being dramatic?

Totally agree with this. The way he’s spoken to you, he sounds like a condescending twat.

Ignore them. It’s clear why you shared this information. Don’t bother over explaining yourself here.

Yes, his first response was just rude. It’s irrelevant whether he felt she could have helped…. it doesn’t warrant such a response. I couldn’t be with someone who was like that.

OP, I hope you can see the inherent risks of communication by texts, emojis emails etc.

You say he offended you, but he probably doesn't haven't the slightest clue.You may be well educated and intelligent, but good communication is a different ball game.

Many (clever) people have fallen out over minor misunderstandings to do with texts, emails etc. Things can easily get lost in translation. It's hard to bring out context, tone and mood in texts. Sarcasm can be hard to detect in texts and emails.

As the relationship is relatively new, maybe minimise texts - and try calling more and face to face talks, otherwise you risk misinterpreting intentions and making big deals out of nothing.

I think most people really appreciate being cooked for when they’re busy! I know I do, and I’m sure I’m not alone! I think you’re pretty rare if you see cooking dinner as a totally insignificant chore…

I just don't think it's a big deal that's all but hey we're all different!

She didn't actually offer to make him dinner, though. She offered to organise his notes and make cue cards for him. She only mentioned that she could have made him dinner in response to people on this thread, not to her boyfriend.

I have pages and pages of disorganised notes, multiple disorganised research papers highlighted and scribbled on. Maybe that’s jus his study style?
I also would think it’s cute if anyone would think they could help me study by changing my study style. I learn by writing shit down.

regards, 1 BA, 1 MA, 0.5 M.ed. with 3 research papers published. (Since it matters to you)

"It's cute you think you could help" would be enough for me to be done with him forever.

This is still a very new relationship and you are still circling each other finding out things. He may have thought you patronising with your offer of help, you found his answer unsympathetic and rude. I certainly would not ditch him until you know more about each other.

I never suggested cooking a meal was a “big deal”. It’s not like she offered to redecorate his house! It’s just a nice gesture that could help take some pressure off, and it seems really weird to regard it as such a trifling thing to do for someone that it’s pointless to even offer to do it.

I’ve never known anyone not to be grateful when someone makes them a cup of tea, let alone cooks them dinner!

is not the unstable one here. She’s the one paying attention.

Nail on the head. She's reading the initial signs.

You don’t need to justify how you feel.

irrespective of wether anyone else thinks you’re overreacting it’s how you feel.

My question for you is do you have “banter” in general. Im asking because I can understand why you have asked for opinions.

Im a natural piss taker and have banter with dates etc. But then they say something and u find it hurtful. It’s got to be pretty difficult to navigate for them as I am at odds with my reactions myself.

Honestly you'd do my head in. You sound quite needy. The last thing I want when I'm stressed or under time pressures is to have to babysit or entertain someone. It doesn't matter what school or uni you went to, you categorically could not help me with work stuff. And when I'm really up against it I don't want to break off to sit down for dinner.

Why can't you just let him have space when he needs it?

I couldn't be doing with having to pretend someone drawing me a doodle was wonderful either, but I don't know your dynamic so maybe he's really into doodles.

He doesn't want you organising his notes, he just wants to study on his own. You sound quite bossy and touchy!

Fair enough. But I was responding to someone asking how making dinner would support him- and I can think of a load of ways it would help.

But if a woman wanted a night in to study for a professional exam and her boyfriend, who knew nothing about the subject, offered to come over and help because they were well educated and would therefore be able to work out how to help, Mumsnet would probably call them a condescending twat too!

Personally I’d want to be left alone to revise in my own way. A new girlfriend trying to help would only be distracting.

The vast majority of women are extremely intellectually capable. That does not need to be said, you will find it the assumpion of most women on MN.

Most women are. I certainly am. However I would look askance at someone, male or female who offered to make notes for me to help me study when they know nothing about my field.

The protestations of Im clever, I went to grammar school, top uni and a grad scheme job as justification for me needing their help would put me further off.

I agree.

I agree - my DH would say/do things like this meaning to be supportive and I am kind even if it's not useful, because I react to his intention, not to the content. I care about his feelings and appreciate the sentiment. If I actually have a need for help I ask for it and he's willing to oblige if he can. I think this guy's flat responses display a level of contempt for you and the way you show affection. Proceed with caution

This is very helpful. Trust your gut @Koenig , he sound dismissive and it is a red flag.

Trust your gut is definitely the best advice, but I think most posters are also reacting with gut reactions - my gut reaction to the OP would have been that she was minimising my problems and patronising me, I wouldn't see it as a bid for connection. I think it is helpful for the OP to be aware of these differing points of view too.

Bear in mind that the OP has taken offence here on this thread when she has completely misunderstood people's comments. No one has criticised her abilities yet she thinks people were criticising her/other women were being misogynistic which is insulting other posters needlessly.

And she hasn't actually mentioned her gut reaction I don't think? Obviously that would make a difference.

Did he misread her "cue notes" as "cute notes" and respond to that?

Bottom line - of course trust your gut is the best advice always.

But learning to roll with the punches a bit, in non abusive situations, and to live and let live a bit, is also important.

But he is your DH. You have years together.

The OP is in a new relationship where they don't know each other very well yet and may still be misunderstanding intentions or genuinely confused about what the other person is thinking.

Please breakup with him and let him find a woman that might make him happy. You've got far too many red flags for it only being 4 months in.