Should I give this new bloke a second chance?

[Koenig]

I’ve been talking to this guy for maybe four months. In the last month we have been referring to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend.

I really like A LOT about him. He’s ambitious, funny, charismatic and quite good looking.

BUT. Twice now he has indirectly offended me. And tbh it’s enough for me to think it’s not going work. I genuinely do feel like it’s not intentional. Not that that makes it any better

One time I said “oh, should I come over I can come over with my cue cards and help you make notes”. BF was studying for an accreditation via his job. He replied with “haha, it’s cute you think you could help”. Fucking excuse me. Not to big myself up but I went to a grammar school, got a place at a top uni and secured a top grad scheme job. I’m no dummie! I absolutely could’ve helped him out even though I know very little about his field. Even if just by making dinner.

And then a second time I drew him a little doodle when he said he was having a hard day (it was a little doodle giving a virtual hug). He didn’t say thanks just “no idea what that says”. Okay, the attempt at calligraphy style writing wasn’t perfect but damn I tried to do a nice thing. Made me feel a bit stupid for even making the effort.

I don’t know. He apologised for being stressed. But I just am so unsure. It hurt when he said those things. It’s only small but it seems way too early for him to be so callous.

Or am I being dramatic?

Do you not think you demeaned him by suggesting he needed your help? I have three degrees and did a module in systems analysis, but I wouldn’t dream for one minute of trying to help my software engineer boyfriend study for his advanced megabastard professional doctorate. He’s a grown man and a specialist. He’s perfectly capable of organising his notes the way he likes them without my interference.

I am a feminist.
However, going to Grammar School, doesn't prove you can help with whatever course he is doing.
My dad is a builder, I am no help to him, my uncle is a mechanic, I can be of no help to him, I work in tech and they can be of no help to me.

Out of the two examples given, the first would really bother me as its patronising and questions your intelligence not to mention a bit ungrateful.

The second for me would be a non issue.

I think people criticising you for stating your achievements are being ridiculous. He's questioned your intelligence and the knee jerk reaction to that is generally starting to list your proof of intelligence which is what you've done here. I'm guessing that's not how you conduct yourself in day to day life it's just a reaction to the fact this comment got your back up - understandably.

I don’t think anyone is offended that you said you’re an intellectual.
I think people are just trying to point out that he probably felt very patronised by you.
Just because you went to grammar school and a good uni doesn’t automatically make you an expert in HIS field. Something he’s worked at for years.
One of my best friends went to Oxford, yet she admits she wouldn’t have a clue how to do my job.

One time I said “oh, should I come over I can come over with my cue cards and help you make notes”. BF was studying for an accreditation via his job. He replied with “haha, it’s cute you think you could help”. Fucking excuse me. Not to big myself up but I went to a grammar school, got a place at a top uni and secured a top grad scheme job. I’m no dummie! I absolutely could’ve helped him out even though I know very little about his field. Even if just by making dinner.

You didn't offer to make dinner though. You offered to come over with your cue cards and help him make notes. In a subject area you admit you know little about.

As for the doodle, it's a bit blunt and I can see why you were annoyed at his response to you trying to do a nice thing. Don't know that I'd virtually break up with him over it, if it's a one off.

If my DH had offered to help me study for my professional exams, he would have got shorter shrift than you got. Yes my DH is very clever and well educated, but so am I. I would consider him arrogant and patronising for thinking he could help me study for something he has not been trained in/studying for, but I have.

As for the doodle, he didn’t understand what it was. So what? He didn’t tell you it was shit, he just said he didn’t understand what it was.

Utlimately it’s up to you if this stuff bothers you enough to end it. But frankly, if I were him I’d be thinking twice about this relationship too. Perhaps the two of you aren’t well suited?

Ok. And to me I was giving examples of my academic success to show that such a response to my offer was extremely patronising and rude. Even if I wasn’t intellectually capable it’s no way to speak to a person. Obviously the subtext is that i am inferior to him intelligence wise.

Im sorry so many on here think such behaviour is acceptable.

Your offer of help was patronising. His response made it clear he didn't want your help.

Your cartoon was cute. His response was 'not impressed' (maybe because he's not a 12-year-old girl.)

It sounds like you are getting to know each other and both seeing things about each other that you're not so keen on. I don't think anything here is a red flag in and of itself. If you really like each other, then maybe they're invitations to learn and compromise. But if you feel unhappy and like you can't be yourself, then maybe you're just not compatible.

He had pages and pages of disorganised notes. I was just going to condense them for him. I took a module roughly related to his study at university so can understand the very basics

What?

After 4 months?

I wouldn’t enjoy a partner of YEARS offering to do this for me. It’s weird and arrogant to assume you’d know what his notes were about or meant. Maybe HE doesn’t think they’re disorganised at all?

It’s a bit condescending tbh OP.

But he didn’t want you to. He wanted to get on with his own studying in his own way.

It sounds to me as if you’re not very good at getting a hint that someone wants to be left alone when they’re stressed.

I don't think I would say "thanks" for a doodle I didn't understand in case it wasn't an appropriate response. In the first instance, I think you both probably felt patronised, but he thought you would prefer a "that's cute" response over a blunt "thanks but no thanks".

I thought the same.

I think you've been oversensitive about the revision comment and emojis and things have specific meanings.. in the same way he didn't know what meaning the doodle was representing and being stressed with revision, didn't want to get distracted. I think there's enough there to give him the benefit of the doubt.

If he was trying to be patronising or whatever, it would have come across more clearly and you would have noticed other signs by now.

So in answer to your question... If this was the only incident that made you wonder I'd give him a second chance and I'd see what he's like when his exams are over, keeping a close eye out but that doesn't mean a fourth, fifth or six chance.

Of course I don’t go around listing my achievements. I have a grandmother who didn’t learn how to read until her 60s. I am the last person who will equate human value with intelligence.

Believe it or not most people irl say I'm very kind and sweet. Never have issues with people.

I think that he is maybe a bit lacking in tact and too blunt, but I don't blame him for the sentiment. I would be very irritated by a partner thinking they could help me with my work on the basis of a course they had taken in that general field, and I don't want someone else to make me have cue cards (which I have never used). I also probably wouldn't appreciate a scribble beyond a quick glance.

However, I like to think I would be a little more tactful in my responses. I don't think this guy has done anything wrong, but he may not be the guy for you. This might be the first sign that this is not quite right. I would note that, and see how the relationship progresses.

Offering help that's not been asked for or is unwanted can be a form of control

You are actually unwell.

Yes, it was.

The second instance on its own I might give a pass, but it's combined with the first, so...

He hasn’t done anything wrong. He just hasn’t given you the response you felt you deserve. Which is clearly some gushing praise.

Honestly, MNers tell you the LTB at the drop of a hat so if this was bad you would know about it. But with 80% plus voting Yabu I think you probably need to look at yourself and your own reactions a little bit. You sound very hard work and a bit full of yourself.

I hope you dump him and he finds someone who is more stable. You sound a bit like a bunny boiler.

If you know nothing about his field, suggesting that you can help him to study for accreditation by MAKING cue cards is nuts. It would annoy the heck of me. Your grammar school has nothing to do with it.

Second issue - no comments. Can't believe what you'll do when you'll encounater a real problem.

I’m sorry, but the more I see of your attitude, the more I think you’re in the wrong.

You sound very overbearing and hyper-sensitive. You find it ‘disturbing’ and ‘’misogynistic’ that people are (very reasonably) pointing out that your education doesn’t mean you can support someone study for a vocational qualification in a different field? Really? That seems like a very dramatic, ultra-touchy response to me.

You were clearly not at all prepared for anyone to tell you YABU.

If you want to dump your boyfriend over this, by all means do. You obviously think you’re in the right and are not prepared to consider otherwise, and you are perfectly entitled to dump a man for any reason you want. But don’t expect unconditional validation from strangers, because you aren’t going to get it.

I think your offer to come and help with cue cards and the doodle in particular was very cute, I would totally have fallen in love with you for something like that; However, it's 4 months in, you're still getting to know each other so you're both bound to make mistakes about how each other likes to give and receive affection.

I definitely made my ex upset a few times, unintentionally within the first couple of months but i'm glad she stuck with it because I was totally in love with her.

So i guess i'm saying don't just jump at the first few things he says, he might just be really super fucking clumsy.

You know what they say - a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. One module at uni. Give me strength

YABU. I’m in a senior role in a corporate job but when I ask my nieces/nephews if they need help with their masters etc, they look at me askance, because we studied different fields and I can’t help them. I just give them treats and say ok!

You are being very over-sensitive.

The people telling you you're very kind and sweet don't have access to your inner monologue. You've shared it here though.

It’s missing emotional intelligence and nuance, and it’s common to be annoyed by being patronised and by someone having such a poor comprehension of the task you’re trying to focus on. That’s all.

"...incredibly rude..." "...it's demeaning"

LTB.

He'll be much more relaxed without you.
You seem to be all about you.
And take offence so easily.

He might have been rude, possibly even patronising. But I can only assume you don't have a yardstick for these things if you think that response was so OTT, and you don't seem to have any self-confidence if you feel demeaned by such a trivial exchange.