Should I give this new bloke a second chance?

[Koenig]

I’ve been talking to this guy for maybe four months. In the last month we have been referring to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend.

I really like A LOT about him. He’s ambitious, funny, charismatic and quite good looking.

BUT. Twice now he has indirectly offended me. And tbh it’s enough for me to think it’s not going work. I genuinely do feel like it’s not intentional. Not that that makes it any better

One time I said “oh, should I come over I can come over with my cue cards and help you make notes”. BF was studying for an accreditation via his job. He replied with “haha, it’s cute you think you could help”. Fucking excuse me. Not to big myself up but I went to a grammar school, got a place at a top uni and secured a top grad scheme job. I’m no dummie! I absolutely could’ve helped him out even though I know very little about his field. Even if just by making dinner.

And then a second time I drew him a little doodle when he said he was having a hard day (it was a little doodle giving a virtual hug). He didn’t say thanks just “no idea what that says”. Okay, the attempt at calligraphy style writing wasn’t perfect but damn I tried to do a nice thing. Made me feel a bit stupid for even making the effort.

I don’t know. He apologised for being stressed. But I just am so unsure. It hurt when he said those things. It’s only small but it seems way too early for him to be so callous.

Or am I being dramatic?

I only mentioned my background as I am clearly capable. He knows that.

Maybe you're not capable. Unless you work in his job, and in his industry, you don't know.

I can type up notes and organise them

Stop infantalising him. Maybe he doesn't want or need you to do that.

How would you react if a man offered to do this for you.

I'm really sorry to be so rude, but leave him alone.

You being well educated doesn’t get my back up, what a silly twist to try and make. It was you who made it about your own education rather than what he wanted or needed. Maybe he didn’t want your sort of help, not everyone wants a study buddy

God the bar for men is so low. I cannot believe the excuses being made for him.

The ‘cute you think you could help’ comment from him is very telling. It’s rude, belittling and a good indication of what’s to come. Ignore the red flags at your peril.

I would say “thanks for the offer. I appreciate you trying to help but it’s probably easier if I just did it myself”

We don't know what else she said though.

Offering to type up notes for him is quite patronising from her too

It's clear to anyone with a pair of eyes that there's no future for these two.They don't like each other.

Throw this one back and move on.

I think he’s a lot more mature than you are so at the moment and possibly always, you are going to be incompatible.

It was rude, patronising and belittling, I agree.

Leave him to his pages of disorganised notes.

He's not your child who needs help with homework!

I took a module roughly related to his study at university so can understand the very basics

This just gets better. The very basics, and she's offended he doesn't want her help.

The note thing would not bother me - he probably just didn't get it.

The "cute" comment would have annoyed me. If you really like him I'd be minded not to drop him yet, but one more derogatory remark and I'd dump him. Who wants to be belittled or diminished in a relationship?

I also find it weird that PPs can't seem to understand why making dinner is really helpful for a person who is studying. This was something that we often did, and it was wonderful to have a proper home cooked hot meal while working hard.

This is also true. I wouldn’t have offered.

But I do think sometimes we offer to come over and do [a practical thing] to justify our presence. She could have just said ‘shall I come over and hang out’ but added the reason to make it more worth his while. I’ve done similar when I was young and didn’t think someone would want me there for myself / in my own right. Wouldn’t have done it past the age of about 19 though!

He goes in the phone as John.

I think the 1st one is tricky, as it depends on what line of work he is on. My role at work is quite niche and someone with absolutely no experience trying to "help" would be of no use, no matter what grammar school/uni/grad job they had.
He might think you're belittling him... You've implied that his job is easy enough someone with no experience can just pick up 🤷🏻‍♀️

But either way... If you're getting the ick this early on, time to move on.

@Koenig i with you on the first one.
He knew what you can do but clearky is arrogant enough to think only people ‘At his level/field’ can understand things. It would put me off
(and yes I’ve met a few of those….)

The second was just unkind. I don’t mind people being blunt. But that kind bluntness repeated again and again (and it will if he doesn’t see the issue) is draining.

You sound like the issue here!

Yeah I’d find you irritating, sorry 😬

There are so many threads on here about women frustrated with men who can't do the most basic things for themselves apparently.

This guy apparently needs his dinner cooked and his girlfriend (well, she's not even his girlfriend) to type his notes for him and he is rude for saying no.

Either you want men to be self sufficient and manage their own lives or you don't.
If you do stop in infantalising him in the way she is trying to and stop supporting it.

@OrigamiOwls but the thing is she didn’t specify the help to him.
She didn’t say ‘I’m going to quizze you on all the technical aspects of your job for the interview.

But also this guy is likely to have at least one non specialist in front of him during the interview . OP would be perfect for that role….

Lots of PPs are missing the point, possibly because they're used to having shit relationships themselves.

The issue isn't that this man didn't want OP's help with studying. If he had said 'That's a kind offer, thanks, but I need to crack on by myself' it would have been a non-event. But saying to OP 'it's cute you think you could help' is condescending and snide.

Maybe some of you are happy to accept patronising scraps, but I don't blame OP for wanting more for herself.

I would say the helping him study thing would come across as really patronising, as you say, you dont know anything about the field, but you assume you can help just because you've been to uni.

If i guy said that to a women it would be seen as him belittling the qualifications thats being studied for.

If someone I had known for a month thought they could help me revise I would find it very patronising. You’re in the first stages of a relationship, surely it’s all passion when you meet up, not organising his notes like a tutor. I don’t understand the doodle bit, I would have been as confused as him.

Women are very much allowed to say they have a successful career, many women on here do, without coming across as patronising.

@TheLivelyRose genuine question.

Where do you draw the line between infantilising someone and just offering help?
For me, I’d say it’s where you assume the person ant do it on their own. So I’m struggling to see how the OP’s proposals are infantilising.
I’m interested in the way you look at things.