Should I give this new bloke a second chance?

[Koenig]

I’ve been talking to this guy for maybe four months. In the last month we have been referring to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend.

I really like A LOT about him. He’s ambitious, funny, charismatic and quite good looking.

BUT. Twice now he has indirectly offended me. And tbh it’s enough for me to think it’s not going work. I genuinely do feel like it’s not intentional. Not that that makes it any better

One time I said “oh, should I come over I can come over with my cue cards and help you make notes”. BF was studying for an accreditation via his job. He replied with “haha, it’s cute you think you could help”. Fucking excuse me. Not to big myself up but I went to a grammar school, got a place at a top uni and secured a top grad scheme job. I’m no dummie! I absolutely could’ve helped him out even though I know very little about his field. Even if just by making dinner.

And then a second time I drew him a little doodle when he said he was having a hard day (it was a little doodle giving a virtual hug). He didn’t say thanks just “no idea what that says”. Okay, the attempt at calligraphy style writing wasn’t perfect but damn I tried to do a nice thing. Made me feel a bit stupid for even making the effort.

I don’t know. He apologised for being stressed. But I just am so unsure. It hurt when he said those things. It’s only small but it seems way too early for him to be so callous.

Or am I being dramatic?

I'd take great exception to somebody wanting to type up or organise my notes. We all have our own way of working and maybe he thrives on what you see as chaos.
He might well feel offended by your offer. You are after all saying your way is better than his way.

Your first example sounds quite patronising, and I can see why you took it the way you did. I'd have thought the same. It really depends what he actually meant by it. Was he implying you wouldn't know anything thatd help him, or did he just mean he couldn't find a way that you'd be able.to help and it just came out patronising. Your second example just sounds like he was too busy and distracted, and I wouldnt necessarily be too mad about that.

If there are lots of good things about him, then it sounds worth persevering. If there are other incidents there he offends you, then maybe then, cool it off with him him.

I also find it weird that PPs can't seem to understand why making dinner is really helpful for a person who is studying. This was something that we often did, and it was wonderful to have a proper home cooked hot meal while working hard.

This. Also it means that he can spend the time that he would have spent cooking, on studying.

I have a very happy and loving relationship, but if my husband was as patronising as the OP has been, they certainly wouldn’t have been my husband! Some of us aren’t happy being thrown patronising scraps of affection!

I'd have taken it light heartedly and replied 'Are you saying I'm not up to the job?' and had a bit of banter.
With the doodle I'd have laughed and asked did he not know a Picasso when he saw one.

I am with you on this.

'Aww It's cute' is very patronising and does imply that he thinks the OP is stupid and smacks of misogyny.

'As if YOU would be able to help ME!? In my big important tasks that are far beyond your intellectual level. Don't be worrying your pretty little head about this'.

If he's better studying alone, a simple 'Thank you, but I think I need some solitude to do this' is fine.

The note thing-red flag. These examples for me are at the very low end/beginning of the start of abuse.

'Pfft whatever, I don't appreciate this thing you've done that you thought I'd like, who do you think you are that the likes of YOU could please ME with THAT?! Get in your lane, girl'.

Why not a simple, 'Thank you'? Even if it isn't his sort of thing, if he respects and appreciates the person who did it for him, there's no room for rudeness.

I am with you OP and I think your gut is telling you something.

Does he need that?

I just don't think it's that deep and people are really over analysing. I mean it depends if he can take it back though. Cute and brains OP, tell him he's hit the jackpot.

Okay I am absolutely fine to accept my attempt to help with studying would actually be a hindrance. I just think his response was incredibly rude: I would never say such a thing if the roles were reversed. It’s demeaning.

I think you're the problem here OP.

I recently did professional exams which take 2 years to prepare for and my very well educated husband was unable to help, so I get where he's coming from.

Way too much overthinking going on. You seem to get on well and the doodle thing is so minor. There will always be little tiffs in a relationship, it doesn’t mean it’s bad. Communicate- tell him you felt patronised etc and then hopefully he’ll understand your feelings.

If you want to make a go of this relationship then you have to accept that there will be times of stress and differences of opinion etc. As long as they’re not big red flags like abuse then you/he have to find ways to work through it.

I think you were being really rude actually saying that you'd make him up cue cards and type up notes because his work was disorganised. People studying differently and I'm sure if he had a preference for cue cards he would have already done them himself.
You're highly sensitive, I honestly couldn't be dealing with someone who got offended as easily as you do.

I agree with this. Any further signs and I’d either say something or break it off. Don’t want that sort of behaviour and thinking long term.

I'm with @JudgeBread and @Noodge . I think his response in the first example was patronising and snide and a simple, "Aah, thanks, but I don't think that's what i need now" would have been more appropriate.

The second one, i also think his tone was off. I can see someone teasing you affectionately about something like that or saying "Oops, nope, I didn't get that! Sorry, but thanks for thinking of me".

BUT, it seems to me that perhaps you're not really compatible because what others are picking up here is that you do quite seem to like sweet, cutesy little gestures. You have visions of snuggling over a table working on his course work and perhaps doing pop quizzes, or him smiling when he sees a little note from you and it making him feel better. And that's totally fine - there are people who DO like this. But it sounds like he doesn't. And what makes it worse, is that rather than making it clear in a kind way, he's going for a bit rude and dismissive and aggressive.

Well, to first incident he could have just said ‘i appreciate your willigness to help but i think im fine’. Instead calling you effort ‘cute’ he came across patronizing and belittling.

2nd one is trickier without seeing the actual picture you drew but again, he came across as blunt and brushing you off. He could have said something nice still. He didn’t.

I suspect over time you will come across more instances where he will reveal himself as looking down on you.

Take it for what it is and don’t try to twist things in your head to make him sound better. He made you feel little and a bit silly. If you carry on with him, go in with eyes wide open, he might turn out to be rubbish and not the bf you want. It’s fine. Just be able to to spot and recognise it in time

I agree with this OP I would have been a bit hurt by both responses. Plus annoyed at the first one as it comes across as very patronising. He sounds a bit too self-important to me.

But from the OP it should like he was studying (for an accreditation), not prepping for a job interview?

I personally wouldn't want help during studying, for me it's a solo pursuit, but maybe OP does like help. No one is specifically in the wrong here, just different learning styles/communication styles. If the ick is this early, cut him loose.

yes but notes are PERSONAL. they are written and based on your own interpretation, shorthand and how you process information. especially study notes. If someone says they don't want you to condense their notes that is not a slight on your intelligence, it's just not helpful. Usually if people want study help or support they will ask, when you are trying to knuckle down someone pottering and wanting company and being in your personal space is a hindrance.

No isn't offensive and a doodle isn't emotional support.

if you don't like the way he communicates then its fine to cut him off, its fine to cut him off for any reason. He shouldn't be short with you when he's stressed but it happens and no one is perfect.

You were the patronising one, imo.

As for the doodle, how can he thank you for something when he doesn't know what it is?

He sounds like a dick tbh especially the first comment. Very arrogant.

I agree with this.

It wouldn't matter how educated someone was, if they knew little about my field I wouldn't want the getting in the way when I was studying. I probably would have just given a polite 'no, thanks', but maybe he felt like you were putting extra pressure on him offering to go round when he'd already told you he was busy.
The picture is just silly.
I think in both occasions you've took offence because of your own issues around your intelligence, that's seen in your replies too when you say a woman can't talk about her success. They absolutely can, especially on MN. I think you need to work on yourself or these issues will come up in every relationship.

The first thing is annoying because it's patronising, but as you say, he might not mean it that way. Something like 'You're sweet for offering to help but don't worry about it' would have a nicer way to deliver the message that he doesn't want your help.

The virtual hug doodle thing is fine, but don't send him another. You tried something out and it didnt land but it's not a big deal.

I'd probably give him a second chance but look for other signs or other ways he's patronising

Early stages of dating is meant to be fun and not stressful! If you're not getting good vibes just ditch him x

I think his response - the ‘it’s cute’ bit - is patronising too and would annoy me, even if you couldn’t help. But I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker.

Offering help isn't in and of itself patronising. In normal land (many miles from mumsnet), when a person offers you help, you don't assume they're only offering that help because they believe you to be an incompetent oaf who can't manage without them.

I'm a solicitor and have therefore sat many professional exams, and for all of them my non-solicitor husband helped me a great deal with studying. He didn't need to know anything about the subject matter to be able to listen to me recite case summaries, to fact check my answers from my note cards, or to keep body and soul together with food and companionship while I worked. It's clear this was the kind of help OP was offering, and while there's nothing wrong with this bloke turning that offer down, he didn't need to do so in a deliberately belittling way.