Should I give this new bloke a second chance?

[Koenig]

I’ve been talking to this guy for maybe four months. In the last month we have been referring to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend.

I really like A LOT about him. He’s ambitious, funny, charismatic and quite good looking.

BUT. Twice now he has indirectly offended me. And tbh it’s enough for me to think it’s not going work. I genuinely do feel like it’s not intentional. Not that that makes it any better

One time I said “oh, should I come over I can come over with my cue cards and help you make notes”. BF was studying for an accreditation via his job. He replied with “haha, it’s cute you think you could help”. Fucking excuse me. Not to big myself up but I went to a grammar school, got a place at a top uni and secured a top grad scheme job. I’m no dummie! I absolutely could’ve helped him out even though I know very little about his field. Even if just by making dinner.

And then a second time I drew him a little doodle when he said he was having a hard day (it was a little doodle giving a virtual hug). He didn’t say thanks just “no idea what that says”. Okay, the attempt at calligraphy style writing wasn’t perfect but damn I tried to do a nice thing. Made me feel a bit stupid for even making the effort.

I don’t know. He apologised for being stressed. But I just am so unsure. It hurt when he said those things. It’s only small but it seems way too early for him to be so callous.

Or am I being dramatic?

This is a bit Dorothea Brooke wanting to assist Dr. Casaubon. It did not end well for her.

I don’t like the “cute you think you can help” comment but I can see where it came from. He felt patronised and patronised you back. The second one I’m sure I would have responded similarly to him. People respond very individually to stuff like this. My husband sent me a YouTube of Solsbury Hill this morning. He thinks he’s being nice and romantic, I think he’s being twee and wasting my working day and told him I’d respond after work. Neither of us is wrong.

It depends how important these kind of things are to you - I’d certainly not bin an otherwise decent guy on this basis but, of course, you can end a relationship for any reason you wish and maybe it’s the start of an ick?

Nor him, if memory serves. ☠️⚰️⚱️

OP, 1. Your background isn’t that impressive. Well done for working hard and achieving a lot but if I were your partner, I wouldn’t be falling over myself for your help because you were some kind of wild organizational machine. 2. No one’s comments are belittling you for being a high achieving woman. That bit is also in your head. 3. My notes might look disorganized to you too, but as a fellow high achiever, I have a system that I am happy with that got me through Oxford, the LSE and into a high achieving career and I would not want anyone else to mess around with them. Your partner may feel the same.

First one; yup, that’s a red flag, doodle? No, but he’s on a yellow card so one more negative comment/action and he goes.

trust your gut

You've described the man as callous, patronising, demeaning and rude, just don't text him again.
You've known him for a matter of hours, so just forget him, enjoy life.

First example he was maybe patronising and rude. You'll know if you get the feeling he doesn't really view you as an equal, or give you enough credit. We can't tell from ome example but it hints at it...

Second example I'm not sure.

Overall I think it's not who is right or wrong. I think maybe you just aren't that compatible and the cracks are starting to show.

I haven't RTFT but I wouldn't have put up with the "cute" comment and that would have been the end of it for me.

@Koenig your mistake was coming on to mumsnet and showing a bit of self worth, bigging yourself up. Especially when there’s a man involved. A lot of these woman on here will make any excuse to stay with cheaters, abusers and subpar men.

Wow, really ? You went to a grammar school ? Tell me more.

Its not relevant at all

Why would it be in anyway relevant to how he works/studies/prepares?

One can absolutely help someone to study something that isn't your field. Unless its something like advanced applied mathematics. Asking questions, organising notes etc etc. And, yes, making dinner.

OP, the first example was plain rude. A simple "thanks I'm good" would have suffice.

The second was him being him I guess.
Listen to your gut here, which sounds good.

I would be very very wary of someone who's go to is to be a bit cutting.

No thanks.

Indeed! I have four degrees (3 higher) and would be of limited use to people in fields beyond my experience.

You sound like hard work. And he probably felt patronised, as I would have, by the suggestion you could “help” while knowing very little about the subject. You were far more likely going to distract him than you were help him.

And the doddle is childish.

Your boyfriend is studying a subject, you admit to knowing nothing about, so realistically you couldn't help him study. Perhaps, he meant the statement light-hearted, after all there isn't much you can do to help him study. If you'd said 'I know you're studying, would it be helpful if I came over tonight and cooked, so you don't need to worry about it' - you may have got a different response! As for the doodle, he was honest, he couldn't read it and didn't know what it was meant to be! Would you have rather he lied? I think you are reading a little too much into his responses. It sounds as if he's quite direct in his approach to situations and you aren't perhaps used to it, so are taking things to heart. See how things progress, but at this point I'm not sure it's worth splitting up over.

Why are you putting on a persona to post here then?

OK, ignoring all the irrelevant comments about your level of education, I think the first issue is context dependent. Has he said or done other things to make you feel patronised or belittled? If not, I think it's perhaps just clumsily worded. Maybe he was trying to call you cute, but you've read into it. Unless it's part of a wider pattern of misogynistic behaviour, I would let it slip.

Re the second issue, was he not just saying 'no idea what that says' as in... I literally can't read what it says? Not sure why you were expecting a thank you for a doodle.

Obviously because it’s one less thing for him to do so he has more time to study! Surely that’s not a hard one to fathom!

Yeah, but it is the kind of thing that isn't actually a help because you have to get out of the study headspace to greet the person, and then set them up for cooking in an unfamiliar kitchen, and then you have to stop to talk to them while eating, and then even if they clear up alone, you are disturbed again to say goodbye when they leave. While if you are home alone, you stay in the headspace, wander in to the kitchen when you are hungry, find something, eat at your desk and continue on. The food is less appealing, but the time is better spent.

Trust your judgement. Only you know what the real life dynamic is.

Op, I kind of get where you are coming from as I’ve done OLD myself (met my DP on it) and was hypersensitive to any kind of ‘negging behaviour’ so I do understand the motivation in asking about this.

I do also think - whether you’re aware of it or not you are possibly displaying what could be misconstrued by him as an overinflated sense of ego (and that might be a red flag to him, dating is a two way street after all).

I think if instead of the crib card comment (which to me DOES sound cocky as implies you know more about the subject then him so can help him hack it) you should have just said “would you like to be left alone while I study or would it be helpful if I came round and cooked afterwards?

The second thing sounds a bit weird to me but maybe like you wanted to be praised for your calligraphy or your drawing? When you could have just said ‘sorry you’re stressed is there anything I can do to help?”

All I’m saying is maybe just say what you mean instead of going in ego first? If he’s experienced narcissism in the past (and I’m not calling YOU a narcissist) some of what you’ve been saying and doing will probably feel like red flag central.

Well I’m clearly in the minority but I think he sounds like a bit of a dick. I don’t think I’d bother wasting any more months on him tbh.

For what it’s worth OP if someone said to me ‘’awww, it’s cute you think you could help’’ it would absolutely infuriate me because it’s so patronising and as if he thinks you’re stupid. There was no need to answer that way even if he thought your suggestion was ridiculous, he could have said ‘’Thank you for the suggestion but I don’t think that will help.’’ Your heart was clearly in the right place.

I’m not sure I’d continue the relationship based on that because it’s a twatty way to speak to someone, regardless of anything else. Perhaps you are not well matched for each other based on communication styles.

I think his response was rude too. “It’s cute that you want to help” - fine. “It’s cute that you think you can help” - patronising.