Should I give this new bloke a second chance?

[Koenig]

I’ve been talking to this guy for maybe four months. In the last month we have been referring to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend.

I really like A LOT about him. He’s ambitious, funny, charismatic and quite good looking.

BUT. Twice now he has indirectly offended me. And tbh it’s enough for me to think it’s not going work. I genuinely do feel like it’s not intentional. Not that that makes it any better

One time I said “oh, should I come over I can come over with my cue cards and help you make notes”. BF was studying for an accreditation via his job. He replied with “haha, it’s cute you think you could help”. Fucking excuse me. Not to big myself up but I went to a grammar school, got a place at a top uni and secured a top grad scheme job. I’m no dummie! I absolutely could’ve helped him out even though I know very little about his field. Even if just by making dinner.

And then a second time I drew him a little doodle when he said he was having a hard day (it was a little doodle giving a virtual hug). He didn’t say thanks just “no idea what that says”. Okay, the attempt at calligraphy style writing wasn’t perfect but damn I tried to do a nice thing. Made me feel a bit stupid for even making the effort.

I don’t know. He apologised for being stressed. But I just am so unsure. It hurt when he said those things. It’s only small but it seems way too early for him to be so callous.

Or am I being dramatic?

Your offer was patronising.

If you’re the sort of person drawing him doodles when he‘s stressed, it’s probably fed into the way he spoke to you in your first example.

You sound quite hard work.

Personally I would never date anyone who said 'It's cute you think you could...' anything. Other people might be fine with it, but it wouldn't be for me. Similarly quite a blunt response on the other thing. Trust your gut, it doesn't need to be that he's not right for someone, but doesn't sound like he's right for you.

I did this without the heart shape. He lives in the city over. Not too far away. But we see each other maybe two time a week.

A lot of our relationship right now is via messages so that’s why I did the doodle. I could’ve typed a quick line but I was at my desk and just thought it was a nice way to show I was thinking of him. We share pics of our day. So it wasn’t overly saccharine. He sent a pic of a funny sticker stuck to a lamppost the same day. He also created a sticker on WhatsApp of my face which had a wtf expression and we he uses kind of like a gif response. It just a style of communication - it breaks up the texts. I think it’s fairly typical for the people in their late 20s.

Im actually not overly romantic. I’m definitely more Miranda than Charlotte to use SATC as a reference

I want to be left alone when studying and make my own food .. anyone around me during this time would not be wanted. We all have different learning styles, I need silence and think for the entire period even when cooking. I hate
People offering help when I haven't asked it re especially if I was in a new relationship. If I was her b/f I would see this as patronising from her and dump her.

Bloody hell you sound difficult

I would say “thanks for the offer. I appreciate you trying to help but it’s probably easier if I just did it myself”

I would say that’s basically what he did say - just in less formal language than you have used here. “It’s cute that…..” isn’t a form of words I would use, but I wouldn’t instantly take umbrage at it, nor would I assume he was denigrating my intelligence by saying it. Plus - it is a bit crazy to think that someone outside a professional field could help with that sort of exam. I have degrees and qualifications galore, but I’d be no use whatsoever to someone revising for a medical exam. Or, indeed, for a BTEC in Hairdressing. They just aren’t areas I know about. I do think you’re overreacting here.

Thank you , it's why I am happy.

It sounds like he has a tendency to be more blunt than careful in his words, and it sounds like you have a tendency to be a little sensitive. Only you can decide if that's a fundamental issue of incompatibility. How does he respond when you tell him that the way he communicates upsets you?

I do want to pick up on this, 'It’s only small but it seems way too early for him to be so callous.' It's not acceptable for a partner ever to be deliberately callous, whether you have been together for two months or two decades.

This post reminds me of a boyfriend who I had fancied for ages and finally he offered me and a friend a lift to work whilst he was in a 6 week course (we all lived in the same block of flats). He would drop me off 1st and then my friend at a later place. I washed my hair every day so I would look my best. After a few weeks he turned to my friend and ‘I wish she wouldn’t slam my door like that’. Friend told me, and I was upset but we had a giggle about it. I have now been married to this same boyfriend for almost 42 years and he has been a great husband!

You sound like you're about 12 years old

I would say he is very blunt rather than cruel or callous. I would have the same reaction in my head as him in both these situations and whether I said them out loud would depend on how much of a bad or stressed mood I was in.

Your doubling down on how much you could've helped him (unclear whether you've said all this to him or just to us?) would be a clear case of mansplaining if it was a man doing it. Really not edifying. If you think you can help by making him dinner then offer that specifically.

I think you're coming off a bit overbearing.

Your offer to help him study, more likely you'd be distracting him. Some people want to study alone. No distractions. This was an important exam and you're not familiar with the field. That's nothing to be offended over, it's true.

The doodle, he didn't get it. No big deal.

I think you're taking things too seriously if you're offended by nothings like those examples.

And that should be enough - tell him “im here for you if you need anything” and leave it at that. If he needs your help he will ask - you seem to be pushing yourself on to him and then getting offended he finds it annoying.

'it's cute you think you could help' is condescending and snide.

Agree, not the best choice of words but cue cards seems a bit simple (and possibly condescending!).

As to the 'virtual hugs' thing, it's pretty clear what that is so his response was a bit brusque. Seems you and him have different ways of communicating and may not be compatible. Tell him, see if it changes.

If anyone-man or woman-offered to come make me "cue cards" to help me study I would feel very insulted.
I think you were very condescending tbh and I would not have liked being spoken to like that by anyone and I don't blame him for being a bit pissy back.

Hmm. When DH was bit arrogant with me at the start I felt put down a few times then thought 'Sod that' and picked him up on it. Not in a massive way. If he'd said 'It's cute you think you could help' I'd have said in a very calm, neutral voice, 'I could help. It's fine if you don't want or need that sort of help but don't call it "cute" - that sounds patronising.' In fact, tbh, I still have to do that with Dh fairly often. He is an unintentionally but naturally arrogant man. DS1 is the same. They both need telling sometimes. Doesn't mean they are horrible. They are both loving and kind and thoughtful and helpful. But arrogant too.

You sound very painful and with a big chip on your shoulder. Also a doodle? Unless it was a labradoodle I’d be indifferent 😐

Cue cards? It all sounds a bit gcse to me and not very adult.

I think people have reacted as they have because:
(a) you thought you could help him (ie you cannot and you hadn't realised that we all have different learning styles - the only person who should be doing notes is the person who will use them (him not you) and disorganised for you might be clear as mud for him - I am as highly educated as you are and have many years in a professional career under my belt and have never made a "cue note" in my life because it isn't part of my learning style - I tend to remember things first time); and

(b) you hadn't realised how patronising what you said was. When you say to someone "I can help you because you are disorganised" or similar you are basically saying "you need help you can't do it on your own", and that is in itself a put down, patronising, offensive, ie what you said was patronising and off. You could have said "can i help in any way" and that would have been ok. As it stands i really think you should apologise and tell him he is fantastic and you are sure he will do brilliantly but if he ever wants dinner to let you know.

The second thing - I wouldn't have a clue what you meant either by the drawn hug. Why not just say "i wish I was there now giving you a huge bear hug" or if you do a drawing explain it is a virtual hug?

If you don't get this, you could look up "theory of mind" which explains how we are all different and see things differently and most of the time your way isn't going to be better or worse. And that getting to know someone without assuming they should think like you, and without taking offense needlessly, is good fun and part of growing up.

I think he sounds great. Very nice, very polite, clear communicator.

He may not be, but based purely on what you have said he sounds nice.

Ok so that says clear as day ‘virtual hug’. What is there to not understand?

Im even more inclined to think that he enjoys asserting his superiority (in his little sneaky ways at the moment that can easily be explained away as stress etc) and you will be getting more of this in time.

To you they were disorganised but perhaps to him that’s his style of studying and it’s a big assumption to make that you were “just going to condense them for him” - perhaps he needs his notes like that. Assuming you would make up cue cards is also a massive assumption, not everyone studies like that ( I don’t). Whether or not you took a module at Uni similar to his line of work is also irrelevant, albeit clumsily he made the point he wants to study alone and your comments suggest you are actually trying to project your style of studying onto him - perhaps think about this in reverse. I am educated to Masters level and beyond but would never consider assuming a friend / my partner would want help to the level you have described and certainly not in the prescriptive way you have clearly thought about it.

This.

It would give me ‘the idk’.

I think you sound completely reasonable to question the tone and choice of words in his replies….they read as condescending to me “cute” to a grown woman? Maybe if he’d said the image was cute lol

You are being dramatic and a bit touchy. He could have as easily taken offence you thought he wasnt capable of doing his own work and needed help rather than him insulting your intelligence. Presumably he knows you’re bright. Some people actually work well from disorganised notes it’s each to their own. If the doodle was unrecognisable what response did you expect

There are these things called emojis adults use them all day every day 🤦‍♀️