Should I give this new bloke a second chance?

[Koenig]

I’ve been talking to this guy for maybe four months. In the last month we have been referring to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend.

I really like A LOT about him. He’s ambitious, funny, charismatic and quite good looking.

BUT. Twice now he has indirectly offended me. And tbh it’s enough for me to think it’s not going work. I genuinely do feel like it’s not intentional. Not that that makes it any better

One time I said “oh, should I come over I can come over with my cue cards and help you make notes”. BF was studying for an accreditation via his job. He replied with “haha, it’s cute you think you could help”. Fucking excuse me. Not to big myself up but I went to a grammar school, got a place at a top uni and secured a top grad scheme job. I’m no dummie! I absolutely could’ve helped him out even though I know very little about his field. Even if just by making dinner.

And then a second time I drew him a little doodle when he said he was having a hard day (it was a little doodle giving a virtual hug). He didn’t say thanks just “no idea what that says”. Okay, the attempt at calligraphy style writing wasn’t perfect but damn I tried to do a nice thing. Made me feel a bit stupid for even making the effort.

I don’t know. He apologised for being stressed. But I just am so unsure. It hurt when he said those things. It’s only small but it seems way too early for him to be so callous.

Or am I being dramatic?

Really? Getting something to eat when you're studying isn't exactly hard work, surely he needs a break from studying now and then anyway.

One time I said “oh, should I come over I can come over with my cue cards and help you make notes”. BF was studying for an accreditation via his job. He replied with “haha, it’s cute you think you could help”

You are heavily inferring that he needs help, your help specifically, which is a little insulting in a way, would you want someone inviting themselves over to 'come and help you study' if you were in a professional career, studying for an accreditation? You mentioned re-writing his messy notes, did you mention that to him? Very condescending.

He probably wouldn't find that sort of involvement helpful, I know I wouldn't and would be put out by the inference that I needed help at all, maybe he was just matching your tone/implication?.

Surprised by most of the replies here. It seems like when the tide starts flowing in one direction everybody jumps that way.

I think the OP is POSSIBLY being a little sensitive but both of those responses from him demonstrate a possible lack to respect. Not definite but they’re in that neighbourhood and this is him at his BEST (men don’t get less sarky with marriage/age).

Also, the OP mentioned some relevant details that got the “hark at lady muck” crowd riled. Personally I would not throw those details out there but I don’t think she was doing it to show off.

Nail on the head. Context is fundamental here. You're getting bad vibes from him when you've been trying to help. For me that would be a red flag. It doesn't sound like you're on the same wavelength if he doesn't understand what you're trying to do and appreciate the effort, even if it's not helpful to him. I don't think I'd ditch him just yet if it were me, but I'd certainly be wondering about the future with him and maybe give him a few more weeks to evaluate him more properly. Yes, he may be stressed etc., but that really is no excuse to be rude or unappreciative as grounds for a long term relationship.

I think he has done something wrong here. He’s made you feel like you’re not quite his equal and like you should be grateful that someone so much higher than you is giving you the time of day.

don’t put yo with it you don’t have to

By saving him time and giving him one less thing to think about, by having some nutritious brain food to help keep his energy up, by feeling like you are being supported...

OP, I voted YANBU purely based on his answer 'it's cute you think you could help'. That's just so arrogant and speaks volumes about the box he's put you in, and his assessment of your intellect. I'd be furious.

The feedback he gave on your doodle would piss me off but not be a dealbreaker. We can all be dickheads at times.

You obviously cannot know someone just from talking to them… he probably smells vile.

A break from studying to do chores isn't a break.

Making a sandwich isn't exactly a chore.

What bloke getting something to eat thinks 'hmm what can I have that's nutritious brain food'!

Having one made for you, is supportive.

She offered to make dinner though. And yes, before you say it, he could put a ready meal in the microwave for 5 minutes, stirring once halfway through and leaving to stand for one minute. It's not a chore.

But it's not a filling act of support, either.

When I'm really busy at work, my husband brings my lunch up. He knows I'll forget to eat otherwise, or get caught on calls, because I am so focused on the task, everything else becomes secondary.

When my college-aged son is revising for his exams, one of us makes him good food. If he's on a late shift at work, we'll feed him so he isn't coming in at 9pm and having to even bung a ready meal in. My husband or son will do the same for me if I'm out late.

This is what support looks like, surely?

Oh my god that's exactly why her offering to make his dinner is supportive! I'll make you something that will fill you and help you focus, not just give you a sugar crash.

I don't think the first one is offensive. I think it's weird and mildly offensive if it's a highish level of qualification that somebody who hasn't got the same level of knowledge of the subject would think they can make useful notes for me - nothing to do with how intelligent you are.

You don't appear to have offered to make him dinner, so I don't think what help you could have offered by way of making food should feature. You offered to make revision cards, not dinner.

The second I don't know, I guess you'd have to be there.

You’re not being dramatic at all @Koenig . What you’re noticing are early but important signs that speak volumes about how emotionally safe this relationship might be down the line.

There’s a pair of relationship researchers, John and Julie Gottman, who’ve studied thousands of couples over decades. One of their key findings is about something they call “bids for connection.” These are small, everyday ways we try to connect with our partners - like offering help, sharing a joke, or doing something thoughtful to cheer them up. What really matters is how the other person responds to those bids.

When you offered to help him study, even just in a supportive way, and when you sent that doodle to lift his mood, those were clear bids for connection. And both times he responded in ways that shut you down and made you feel silly for trying. That kind of dismissiveness can really sting, especially when the intent behind your actions was kind, thoughtful, and vulnerable.

The Gottmans also talk about what they call the “Four Horsemen” - four patterns of communication that are strong predictors of relationship breakdown. One of them is contempt - which includes sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery, or treating the other person like they’re inferior. Saying “it’s cute you think you could help” hits that note of contempt. Whether he meant it that way or not, it undercuts your intelligence and contribution. And doing that this early on? That’s a red flag, because this is when most people are putting in maximum effort.

You’re right to pause here. This isn’t about being offended over nothing - it’s about how someone handles the small, tender moments that form the emotional glue of a relationship. If your kindness gets met with sarcasm or indifference now, it’s only fair to question how emotionally safe and valued you’ll feel later.

Trust your gut. It’s picking up something real.

Noone is offended that you have stated you are capable, they just think you sound a bit of an arse.

Personally, I find what you said to him, highly patronising. He's been working in a field,, developing expertise and now studying for professional accreditation and you come along and believe that your loosely related module at uni means that you will be able to teach him. I appreciate your follow up posts said you could organise his notes but maybe he doesn't want his notes organised and it's very presumptuous of you to think he does.

only you know the tone etc, but if it’s how you positioned it to be, I think ‘that’s cute’.. is an awful thing to say and very insightful into how he views the dynamic.

had he said ‘no thanks, I know what I should do, I just need to get my finger out’ or similar, that’s fine.

but the equivalent of ‘you are but a wench, as if’ would get my back up.

They seem quite small things to me, particularly the doodle. You say he apologised; did that seem genuine? Perhaps he's making you feel uneasy more generally?

Hi OP, as ever lots of people being v mean.

My take is that your ways of showing care may be very different. I'd absolutely not want someone coming over if I were under pressure trying to organise my notes and would possibly be a bit sharp about it.

Ditto the cutesy drawing.

Doesn't mean either are wrong but it might suggest v different expectations/communication styles.

I haz a BSc, MSc, BA and MA. I iz old. Wossa Cue Card?

It’s entirely your prerogative. You heard the tone of his voice. How does he make you feel generally? Happy or anxious/stressed/annoyed?

Your posts really come across as though you have an inflated sense of yourself.

you have made up that his response was an insult because of your inflated idea about what you can help with but I think he was probably on the mark

It sounds like he is just being straightforward. My partner is like that and it makes things simpler in the end.

I don’t think she wanted to teach him, she said she knew the basics but didn’t know much about the subject and suggested helping him condense the information.

Perhaps he took her offer of help as patronising, but as others have said, context is everything. We can only go by the information in the post, and it seems OP tried to help and her boyfriend was clearly being patronising by the way he worded his response.

Even, ‘it’s cute you want to help’’ would have conveyed a completely different message. The way he actually worded it came across like ‘’haha, it’s cute you’ve think you’re intelligent enough to be any use to me’’. It was intentional.

They don’t seem suited either way, whether it’s hers or his fault. They don’t communicate well.

The way some of these replies are falling over themselves to mock, belittle, and label her as unstable is grim. Calling a woman a “bunny boiler” because she noticed him being emotionally cold? That’s not insight - it’s just thinly disguised misogyny.

She made a couple of kind, low-stakes gestures, and instead of being met with appreciation or even basic courtesy, she got sarcasm and indifference. That’s not dramatic to notice - that’s emotionally intelligent. Wanting to feel respected when you’re making an effort isn’t needy. It’s the bare minimum.

What really jumps out here is how quickly people are bending over backwards to excuse his dismissiveness while painting her care as the problem. As if the worst thing a woman can be is emotionally present. That mindset says a lot.

Relationships are built on how we respond to the small stuff. If someone consistently meets care with contempt, or ignores attempts to connect, that is a red flag - especially early on.

@Koenig is not the unstable one here. She’s the one paying attention.

I would not be impressed if my partner described my efforts as "cute" because I want to feel respected by him as an equal not infantilized. He might have felt you were overstepping with your offer to help with his studies but there are other more respectful ways he could have declined instead of patronizing you. However the doodle thing could legitimately have been described as "cute" because you were trying to be cute at that point. So perhaps you are cute in some ways...?