Should I give this new bloke a second chance?

[Koenig]

I’ve been talking to this guy for maybe four months. In the last month we have been referring to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend.

I really like A LOT about him. He’s ambitious, funny, charismatic and quite good looking.

BUT. Twice now he has indirectly offended me. And tbh it’s enough for me to think it’s not going work. I genuinely do feel like it’s not intentional. Not that that makes it any better

One time I said “oh, should I come over I can come over with my cue cards and help you make notes”. BF was studying for an accreditation via his job. He replied with “haha, it’s cute you think you could help”. Fucking excuse me. Not to big myself up but I went to a grammar school, got a place at a top uni and secured a top grad scheme job. I’m no dummie! I absolutely could’ve helped him out even though I know very little about his field. Even if just by making dinner.

And then a second time I drew him a little doodle when he said he was having a hard day (it was a little doodle giving a virtual hug). He didn’t say thanks just “no idea what that says”. Okay, the attempt at calligraphy style writing wasn’t perfect but damn I tried to do a nice thing. Made me feel a bit stupid for even making the effort.

I don’t know. He apologised for being stressed. But I just am so unsure. It hurt when he said those things. It’s only small but it seems way too early for him to be so callous.

Or am I being dramatic?

You’re being dramatic, and possibly annoying. I don’t want to sound mean but your remedies for his stress come across as lightweight and twee. Maybe it’s just a difference in love language? Sorry.

He hasn't done anything wrong

I didn’t think I was remedying his stress with a doodle. Just showing that I was there for him.

The first instance really pisses me off- the second doesn’t.
Id probably give another chance- but any further signs of demeaning your intelligence etc, end it.

How would making him dinner help him study?

When you say talking to him have you actually met?

Yup. We were at the talking stage for a month though.

I genuinely do feel like it’s not intentional.

They can be so believable.

I think in this instance I would give him another chance if you like more than you dislike but keep in the back of your mind that he might be testing you to see how much you'll accept. Watch out for the next thing, if it comes, and listen to your doubts. It might be that you're just not on the same wavelength.

YABU. Being well educated doesn’t mean you could help him study, making dinner isn’t helping study and doesn’t require education. You are being so picky you may as well break it off as he won’t enjoy you being like this and you are aren’t happy so end it now

I agree with him but my delivery would have been nicer.

Studying, for most people, is a solo pursuit. Others helping or trying to help, especially when not familiar with the subject matter, isn't helpful.

A doodle of a virtual hug wouldn't do much for me as a grown adult.

I don’t think he sounds like he’s being mean.

His study is in a professional field you admit you know nothing about and it’s very obvious that he just wanted to be left alone to study in peace. I don’t think he was implying you were stupid at all. I think he was saying “I know you mean well, but you just need to leave me to get on with this”.

The doodle thing sounds, again, like someone who just wanted to left alone to deal with the problem at hand, rather than having to have a little cutesy moment with their girlfriend.

Get a massive grip he’s done absolutely nothing wrong. He’s stressed he needs a bit of moral support not someone annoying him with doodles then being precious about his answers.

You could be on thin ice here he’s probably considering ditching you

You’re over-reacting. Neither are actual issues.

You sound very demanding and like you will analyse absolutely everything this guy does and says !
Just because you went to a good school and uni it doesn’t mean you can help with his job and maybe he just doesn’t want you to !
Are you used to people saying no to you ?

I expect he will end things before you do anyway !

Look, you might be being harsh but that doesn’t matter.
If these things bother you / make you feel not great then that’s the issue.
I always say delete a letter from his name in your phone until he is a nameless number. Then is your cue to walk away. I think you can apply that here too.

I think the first instance was pretty poor on his part. A lot depends on tone but it sounds like you found it intentionally patronising. I wouldn't be keen on a man who was deliberately condescending.

The second moment I think was a bit of a non issue, he was just stressed and not really engaged with what you were doing, but not being mean.

If you think the first instance was him deliberately looking down on you then I would proceed with significant caution.

tbh I would have rolled by eyes at the cue card suggestion. He’s have spent half the time explaining stuff to you. You even admit you know nothing of the subject. Top Uni or not, that offer probably came across as patronising. He responded accordingly.
offer to make or bring food next time?
the second thing: I’d let go. He didn’t get it and apologised.

You are overthinking this way too much. He sounds fine so far. If you're going to be so easily upset by him, you should probably let him go.

Pretty flawed logic though really, one guys name could be Ian and another’s Johnathan.

I knew mentioning my background was going to get people’s backs up. Apparently you can’t be a woman and state your own success. It was a relevant detail to shares

He had pages and pages of disorganised notes. I was just going to condense them for him. I took a module roughly related to his study at university so can understand the very basics

I’m sorry but you sound annoying. I wonder if you appeared arrogant when you offered to help him, or condescending? And if dp had sent me a doodle I wouldn’t know how to react.

Eh, I'm going to go against the consensus here because this feels like one of those threads where everyone is taking the lead from the first response which is actually quite harsh.

I'd say the "it's cute you think you could help" thing is really snide, sarcastic and patronising from anyone. The whole "awww it's cute you think X" thing seems to have done the rounds on SM and it just reads so snakey to me now.

(Although don't bring your grammar school up in an argument against that sort of thing it makes you sound a right nob.)

The note thing is meh, he probably just doesn't get it. Some people love getting little notes (my husband does, he keeps them all the sap) and some people don't.

End of the day OP it's your life, you don't have to waste it on someone who doesn't appreciate your efforts. There are plenty of men who'd have been excited to have you come over and help them study or cook for them, and would be delighted by the note.

I think if someone over the age of 10 gave me a little picture to cheer me up, I’d feel really weirded out.

No one in real life would accuse me of being arrogant.

I didn’t expect him to necessarily take up my offer. But his response was patronising and rude imo.

Not to big myself up but I went to a grammar school, got a place at a top uni and secured a top grad scheme job. I’m no dummie! I absolutely could’ve helped him out even though I know very little about his field.

You sound dreadful and arrogant.
My partner knows the square root of fuck all about my profession. He seems to think he does though and can offer advice and tips.I haven't asked for. I'd just humour him and smile and nod.

It seems womansplaining is also a thing.

Just stay out of his job and dont offer tips.You don't know anything about it.