To be approaching 40 with no friends

[N27]

As the title suggests really, is it common to have no close friends at this stage of life or is it just me? My social media seem to be full of girls weekends away etc and I honestly have no one to do that with.

I seem to make friends, for example through uni, work, clubs etc, but they never seem to endure outside of that setting 🤷‍♀️

is there an art to making and keeping friends that I don’t know about?

I’m late 20s and the same- partly I become bored by people and feel that they’re needy? But I sometimes feel like a freak in that I don’t have friends to do stuff with

I'm 35 and literally do everything on my own. But i have no family left or children. I have acquaintances but not a 'girl group'.

I honestly LOVE IT! I holiday on my own/groups/pubs and clubs/gym. I meet and chat to 50 different people on a day out.

You only have to look at the threads on here and be thankful for none of the drama a group brings!!!! It's not to say I don't enjoy other people's company....its just I only have to consider myself (selfish I know)

This is also why I'm single!!

I’m 26 and have no friends apart from my husband. I don’t really have any advice on how to make friends. I haven’t managed it yet. Just know you’re not the only one. Friendship just doesn’t come naturally to some people. It doesn’t mean that people with friends are any ‘better’ than you.

I'm mid 40s and the same.

I'm a single parent, I have a disability, my dd has a disability I have 2 dogs and I just don't have the energy to bother about anyone else tbh <selfish>.

Any time I've made a friend they require more of me than I have to give so I don't bother, and I'm quite happy that way.

I don't mind chatting to anyone on a superficial level, but the thought of more than that is exhausting to me.

Hi op yes not easy. I find that too. I put up a thread today about nobody making effort and got told they not obliged to make contact)
I think small groups fine. Sometimes its easier to do things alone than wait on others. But I think big groups are big drama and fallouts

I'm 38 and have not one friend. Got my DH and DS so that's ok for me

With friendships, I often think that (1) you get out what you put in, (2) they wax and wane, (3) many are based on proximity and convenience, (4) social media doesn't necessarily show the true picture, (5) MN is full of people who secretly hate their friends and / or cut them off abruptly

I think social circles can contract quite a bit as people couple up and have kids etc. so I wouldn't say it's particularly abnormal. You do have friends, but you'll just be bottom of the totem pole after family etc.

I think my friends are at least preferable to people who are not my friends, if not "better". I haven't got time to be friends with people indiscriminately!

I think this is really important - building relationships is a skill like any other and one that can be "worked on". There isn't anything "wrong" with you, and you're not inferior to those people for whom friendships come easily.

I have felt like this too. These things happen and I feel that friendships are everywhere so it can feel that you're the only one without but no one has everything they want in life

You have a long life ahead of you should you wish to make friends

I'm "celebrating" my birthday today. Well, crying, really, because I have no one who even thought of me. You're not alone. Maybe building relationships is a skill, but for those of us who are neurodiverse and have moved places a fair few times there's very little chance of building real friendships at this age. Most people are still busy with family and existing friends. Things may change again in a few decades when kids have flown nests, but until then it's a long slog.

These last few years people seem very interested in themselves or in what you can do for them, rather than being genuine friends. I don't think it's you at all OP.

@Honourspren Sending you birthday wishes. I really hope that you have a good year ahead.

There was just recently a post on here about a poor woman having the holiday from hell with her influencer ‘friend’ and a group of other women who were ignoring her and freezing her out (she ended up coming home early). And I’m pretty sure there was a similar one not that long ago. So it’s worth bearing in mind that the type of group girls’ holidays you see on social media may very much not be as fun as they look.

That’s very much not to say that friendships aren’t worth cultivating - they are - but I’d focus on how you feel while you’re with people, and what counts for you as a good time, rather than taking what is very likely a constructed reality on social media as the norm.

I definitely have a low tolerance for people who are hard work! I know all friendships require a degree of effort but I’ve definitely had friends in the past that seem to attract drama and that’s not my thing at all!

@Honourspren Happy birthday 💐 X

Could have wrote your OP myself. I just wish I had one decent friend who I could meet for lunch or for a coffee. Makes me really sad.

Thank you, that definitely is how it feels sometimes. I’m lucky to have quite a close family unit with my husband and kids but when I do see these “girls day out” type posts it does make me feel like they have something special that I don’t have

If you were to look at my social media you would see me tagged in bingo nights And other nights out with a group of girls. We have a good time but between those events I don't speak to them much , I don't know much about their lives and I like it that way. We meet up , go out , have fun and then that's it till next time. I've found that any more than that and you're being agony aunt and problem solver and I'm just not able for that kind of involvement

That’s very true. I have moved away from friendships in the past that have been unhealthy - it’s very much better to have a small circle than a fake circle!

Have you ever enjoyed girls' days out - I realised recently that spending all day with someone chatting about mostly girly things, spa days, that type of thing - I can manage an hour or two but after that I am jaded and tired and ready to go home!!
Different if I'm seeing someone I haven't seen for years and there's a lot to catch up on but someone I see regularly - well once you've gossiped about anyone you both know, caught up about family then that's enough for me - home time.......i'm bored!

Close to 50....no real friends! Suits me. I've had friends over the years but end up getting stabbed in the back and /or bullied. So now I can't be arsed! I have my DP, 3 kids, get on well with work colleagues. Don't waste my time or energy on anyone else.

Friendships like any relationship are a two-way street and require a degree of vulnerability and risk-taking on your part initially to see if you connect, to share something of yourself and see if someone will reciprocate that. That's how things progress from being just people who work together/have the same hobby for example to being friends.

Types of friendships vary too just like people. I am particularly good at one on one friendships so have many people I could meet for coffee or a museum trip or the like. Some friends are good for certain activities and not others, eg some I will bring my kids along and do a play date catch up and some I won't. I don't tend to do big groups of friends as I suck at group chat, so don't do girls' days or holidays with lots of people.

I know exactly what you mean OP. I've moved nearly once a year chasing a dream. Where in the country are you? We could be friends!

I'm mid 40s and have no friends. It used to bother me, but more in the sense of being seen as weird and a social failure, rather than actually wanting friends. Now I'm very focused on my young family and I don't feel the need or desire for friendship - I don't have the time or head space to spare. I realised during lockdown that I'm happiest spending time with my immediate family and I no longer want to waste my energy on people that I don't care about.

I expect that as my dc get older I'll return to some hobby groups and build acquaintances through that, but I don't really want the hassle of deeper friendships with all the obligations and drama.