To be approaching 40 with no friends

[N27]

As the title suggests really, is it common to have no close friends at this stage of life or is it just me? My social media seem to be full of girls weekends away etc and I honestly have no one to do that with.

I seem to make friends, for example through uni, work, clubs etc, but they never seem to endure outside of that setting 🤷‍♀️

is there an art to making and keeping friends that I don’t know about?

I feel so seen when I read these posts. You are not alone. I wish there was a club for people like us.

I'm also pretty friendless at 37 these days and have times when I feel like there's something wrong with me. So many friendships have faded for me - usually because they were based on being in same place at same time eg uni/ workplace but as soon as that changes then things fizzle out.

Then I've distanced myself from certain people or they've distanced themselves from me etc

When I read about some of the friendship group dramas on MN though some I'm glad I don't have to deal with that crap.

You’ve mentioned that you have no issue making friends but they don’t extend outside that setting. What have you done to take those friendships from situational, to something else? Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy, and you risk rejection but I do think it’s a numbers game (a bit like dating).

Can any of the folks without friends tell us how they explain it to their partners, potential partners, partners' friends and families, etc? What about weddings - do people ask about one side of the church looking a but scant? What do you say to them?

I've been seeing mine for 5 years, told him I can't be arsed with people anymore, and I probably wouldn't move in because I love my space. He's fine with it, doesn't mind me being anti social at all.

If we ever did decide to get married I would bugger off with him and my kids and be done with it.

This is what upsets me. If I ever met a guy, many would warn him off me. I am 39, still at home. Never married. Chronic illnesses, no friends.
I'm a kind, thoughtful and loving person but all the above would instantly put someone off and that makes me so sad.

I'm not friendless but I've moved around a lot in my adult life and my friends are scattered and there's not one 'group'. I sometimes see my old group of school friends online doing stuff together - they all stayed in same town after school and had kids together etc. similarly I see the baby group I was friends with doing stuff and I left that as well. Now I'm in a new town, I could make the effort to create a group of friends or join one some way but like me, people already have people so a)it's harder to break in and b) I still have other friends far away who I invest in and therefore it doesn't leave time to make new friends locally.
Personally I blame social mobility and globalisation 😁

So, no advice but I'm in a similar boat. Think it s a tough age to make friends. My retired in laws moved and made loads of new friends..they had time and money to invest and a common interest of retiring with others. Roll on retirement!

I don't. I have had that much rejection as a child growing up by my own family that I don't take risks. I guess that would mean I need therapy to help me start to let go a bit and be the one making moves. I can totally see where I go wrong. I'm too guarded. I enjoy doing my own thing too but sometimes you think it would be nice to go for a coffee with someone. I have tried on occasion after having children but been rejected, looking back the people I made an effort with were not nice people and I didn't quiet see it early enough. It's a bit of a minefield as another poster said.

Like relationships, friendships take work and compromise.

I have some ride or die friends who I know will alway be there for me, but that means being there for them. Which is why I travelled over an hour tonight a work night for a friend's birthday drinks - she has had a bad few months and this is improtant to her - so no question - I am there.

Equally there are wider groups of friends through circumstance - work colleagues, neighbours, hobby friends, friends of friends who will not last the distance but you get pleasure and value from their company for that period of time - ironaically they can be more intense than your ride or die friends due to proximity but they will naturally fall away as circumstances change and that is not an issue.

Yes def hard when we older. My circle quite small. Tiring chasing people though they cant do x day and will be in touch. I cant be ass with it now. My sister has good few friends but says takes load of effort.

Its hard and it does get harder as you get older. In my case I have maybe one friend, but she is not a best friend. No family either apart from DD. I do keep my guard up as I had a lot of friends who treated me like dirt, all take no give. Sometimes I prefer it like this as I know not to be disappointed by anyone, it's sad.

I would join local hobby groups but I know that's hard if you work full time and have kids. It's really true that sense of community has just gone. There is definitely a friendless epidemic nowadays.