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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever OK to leave my newborn to cry?

28 replies

Chocolatelover3 · 20/06/2023 19:11

I’m a first time mum and hearing different advice on this subject from professionals and friends

Since our son hit the two month mark he’s obviously having longer wake hours. I’m finding during the witching hours in the evening I can’t get anything done. Sometimes during the day too.

I’m currently picking him up every time he cries but I’m wondering if it would be wrong of me to let him cry for 5 mins max whilst I quickly finish the washing up or finish my dinner etc so long as he’s fed clean burped

I was told by midwives and at our antenatal classes not to leave them to cry and that you can never spoil your baby by holding home if they need you - but at the same time friends / family are telling me it’s ok if it’s just for 5 mins and I still need to get bits done

YABU - no do not leave him to cry and hold him
YANBU - ok to leave to cry for a short while

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/06/2023 19:13

Have you tried a sling? It’s not horrendous, if you had another child you had to pick up from school and they cried you’d have no choice- equally it’s your first and a newborn.
do you have a partner who could hold them whilst you eat?

Hugasauras · 20/06/2023 19:17

Def get a sling. DD2 lived in it for first three/four months!

RedVanYellowVan · 20/06/2023 19:17

I had two babies at once. It just wasn't feasible to always pick up a crying one, same for my friend with three. You can just do your best, give lots of cuddles, chat to your crying baby when you can if you can't pick him up immediately. He will be fine, mine are adults now and show no signs of being damaged by a bit of crying while I changed their brother's/sister's nappy or whatever.

RoseslnTheHospital · 20/06/2023 19:17

Can your partner not do the washing up or hold the baby whilst you do it? And the same for finishing your dinner?

If you're on your own during the day then sometimes needs must, eg showering, going to the loo, eating/drinking etc.

Either way a very short amount of upset not very often isn't going to be an issue. It's more if you're consistently unresponsive to an upset baby that would be an issue for their development.

georgarina · 20/06/2023 19:18

Don't intentionally leave them to cry until distressed but if you can't get to them right away or need to put them down it's fine. I have 3 and I can't be everywhere at once so my LO does cry - it's not a disaster.

Globules · 20/06/2023 19:18

Reality is that everyone is going to tell you what they did. Only you can decide where your comfort zone is.

I left mine to cry. I had friends tell me I was wrong.

I saw them pick their babies up immediately. I told them they were wrong.

We've all now got very well adjusted teenagers.

No doubt someone will appear soon telling you the science of how leaving a baby to cry for more than just a millisecond is tantamount to neglect. Practically, baby will be absolutely fine if you finish a job and you can hear them cry while you do.

Moonlightsonatas · 20/06/2023 19:19

Yes, 5 minutes is ok. You are allowed to fill your own cup first. As with all things, it’s a balance. If you left them crying for hours then it would be completely different.

Tryagainplease · 20/06/2023 19:19

Sling! Definitely!
If not, then no - it’s not going to hurt him for a few minutes. They are probably referring to people who use CIO as a sleep aid and leave them to cry and cry until they fall asleep. This isn’t the same.

Darkstar4855 · 20/06/2023 19:19

Get one of those stretchy wrap slings, they’re a lifesaver in the evenings! Mine would settle really well in his and then I’d have my hands free to do whatever else needed doing.

Killingmytime · 20/06/2023 19:26

Baby will be fine left to cry for a bit. If you had multiples then obviously would not be able to deal with all at once!

Butterwouldmelt · 20/06/2023 19:29

I think five whole minutes is a long time. Set a timer and sit in silence.... is your baby constantly unsettled OP?

Personally I can't stand the noise so there's no way I could just wash the dishes while DS cry.

StrawBeretMoose · 20/06/2023 19:31

I didn't intentionally leave my baby to cry. So if it was a matter of finishing a household chore like washing up I would prioritise holding the baby. If it was for a shower I would wait until they were settled.
I wouldn't set out to leave them to cry but if I was already in the shower and they woke up I'd hurry up and finish. Theyre only tiny for a short portion of your life and I didn't mind it.

Some family members disagreed with my approach but I ignored them, and would choose to do the same again. They probably feel the same way about their approach.

Sissynova · 20/06/2023 19:33

Many babies are left to cry because there’s no alternative. If you have other children, particularly if they are young, you simply cannot attend to all their needs at the exact same time. So while I would leave a newborn to cry if I was in the middle of bringing toddler to the bathroom/ getting them dressed or something I wouldn’t leave them to cry so I could sit and eat my dinner. I can’t imagine being able to relax enough to eat around a screaming baby.
The same with doing the dishes really. Just do it when they are in the carrier or leave it for your partner to do in the evening.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/06/2023 19:34

Yes. You have needs too, including your mental health and it won't harm them to cry for 5 minutes whilst you eat dinner or go to the toilet.

Slings don't always solve this issue either, mine hated them and I also didn't fancy trying to have a wee with a baby attached to me so he just had to wait.

Cherrysherbet · 20/06/2023 19:35

I wouldn’t put jobs before my baby.
The jobs can wait. Baby comes first.

Chasetherainblownfearsaway · 20/06/2023 19:37

I think it's absolutely fine to leave a baby to cry for a few minutes while you have a shower; with some babies this is the only way you can keep up basic hygiene.

Personally I would treat the dishes as a lower priority, but again, a few minutes of crying in a day when the baby is otherwise cuddled and attended to will do no harm.

Hotandverybotheredagain · 20/06/2023 19:38

Chasetherainblownfearsaway · 20/06/2023 19:37

I think it's absolutely fine to leave a baby to cry for a few minutes while you have a shower; with some babies this is the only way you can keep up basic hygiene.

Personally I would treat the dishes as a lower priority, but again, a few minutes of crying in a day when the baby is otherwise cuddled and attended to will do no harm.

This l

N4ish · 20/06/2023 19:38

Personally I would never be able to carry on doing chores while my tiny baby cried. Instinctively it would feel wrong to be so unresponsive on purpose.

Obviously if you have other children to care for then sometimes there’s no option but that’s very different from washing dishes.

Sunnyfeelgood · 20/06/2023 19:38

Attachment research says that a baby crying is a call out for help 'Mum, I need you'. When the call is answered it helps the baby understand they have agency in the world to get their needs met when they can't physically do it themselves.

Babies who are consistently ignored tend to learn that their primary caregivers are untrustworthy and that they aren't able to effect change (and this can in some cases follow into adulthood).

However, if you tend to your baby most of the time, it is still getting the sense that mum is here to help me and will have that solid foundation. Even if a few times get missed or are left longer than 'perfect'. Plus, like others say, sometimes it is impossible to get to them quickly!

I think the fact that you are considering it enough to question it and ask for support shows that your attachment with your baby is in zero danger of risk!!!

Oysterbabe · 20/06/2023 19:40

I just couldn't do it. The sound of my baby crying was like a 1000 decibel air-raid siren in my brain, I was completely unable to focus on anything else. I wouldn't enjoy the end of my meal, I'd be stressed out of my tree.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 20/06/2023 19:41

Mentally I struggled to leave them to cry. Not becuase of guilt, but the fucking noise pierced my brain like a pick axe. I would do anything to stop the sound as quickly as possible.

If I was on the loo or simular states of not being able to just get up straight away, they would just have to deal with it and cry forna few minutes. Did them no harm at all.

Carrotscrikey · 20/06/2023 19:43

I think it’s fine. Particularly if they can hear your voice reassuring them while you get the jobs done that you need to.

Crunchingleaf · 20/06/2023 19:45

I have two under two. Sometimes the baby cries because at that time the toddler needs me more. I would have a baby on my lap for many meals. If I am cooking I might pop him down for his own safety when I need to if he is unsettled. Reality is everyone else in house needs me. I would leave the wash up to DH is baby is upset.

Sometimes I just need to put the baby down. If baby and or toddler have had a bad day I can feel touched out and completely drained. So then it’s important that I take a step back to compose myself before trying to settle baby again.

Topseyt123 · 20/06/2023 19:46

I left mine to cry for a few minutes quite regularly if I was finishing something. Otherwise I would never have washed up, showered, had a chance to go to the loo etc

We lived in a top floor flat with five flights of stairs and no lift when DD1 was born so I sometimes had to leave her briefly (in cot or playpen) so that I could go and put the pram up downstairs if we were going out. No choice there.

Literally just five minutes here and there.

I had a sling, but hated it - far too warm and "wearing" my baby absolutely wasn't for me so I discarded it.

I never worried about it. As long as you don't leave them crying and getting distressed for hours then it's fine.

Herecomestreble1 · 20/06/2023 19:51

I had a high needs baby with colic and I couldn't leave him to cry. However motherhood is HARD and I wouldn't judge anyone for doing what they need to do to survive it, as long as it wasn't putting their baby in danger or causing them to suffer unnecessarily.