To be worried DD21 hasn’t had her first kiss?

[seesawmargery]

DD21 has recently told me (despairing) that uni’s almost over and she’s still never kissed anyone. I was quite surprised, but it turns out she’s never held hands, never even had a little junior school ‘boyfriend’ and she feels something is wrong with her. Her three younger siblings are all in relationships and she feels terrible about that too.

I’m really concerned for her!

Well had there been any men or women that she's wanted to kiss and it just hasn't happened? Or she's not interested

My friend didn't have her first kiss until she met her first boyfriend (now husband) aged 27. It's not a bad thing but I understand why it will feel awful to her :(

It is a bit unusual to be honest, university in many ways is the best way to meet a huge variety of people including men (or women, whatever your preference)- I don't know if it's cause for concern though. I very much doubt there's anything 'wrong' with her, I suspect its more subconsciously she's perhaps shy, nervous and cold towards men she likes or maybe just doesn't come across as interested for various reasons. I had a friend who was similar, intelligent, funny, thoughtful and good looking but didn't have a boyfriend until she was late 20s; she just was always quite closed off without realising and missed massive neon signs men she met and knew gave her over the years.

My DD is nearly 21 and although she’s kissed she def hasn’t done much(?) more and never had a relationship- has dated but doesn’t have much luck (but isn’t ‘conventional’ in outward appearance - not looks - v striking but more dress/piercings etc). You’d think like would attract like, but… she gets friend zoned a lot.
I wasn’t blessed with good looks, but I had done most things by 21 or at least in that year.

I’m sure more people than we think haven’t had sexual contact by 21, maybe the opportunity hasn’t arisen or they’re choosy, or they have some issues around intimacy?

She is definitely closed off as she’s always been shy, but she said that she doesn’t even let herself feel attracted now because she feels so invisible she knows she’ll on me disappointed.

Wish I could get her into some therapy :/ Would the doctor help with this sort of thing? I’m guessing not.

@seesawmargery - my DD says that she finds it hard to tell when someone likes her and is rubbish at flirting - which is a big part of it. That tends to give ‘friends’ vibes out too. If you’re shy or reserved it’s def harder.

Oh @JustDanceAddict I have no doubt she’s awful at flirting. It makes me wonder where I learnt all this stuff, if just seemed to come naturally.

"Wish I could get her into some therapy :/ Would the doctor help with this sort of thing?"

Are you for real? It might be unusual amongst her peer group but there's absolutely nothing wrong with her. Better that she has these first experiences with someone she genuinely likes, and she obviously hasn't met that person yet. Just leave her be and let her find her place in the world. Taking her to a doctor will only make her feel crap about herself.

@NBLarsen Oh I don’t mean for not having kissed anyone, for the massive self-esteem issues she’s having surrounding it.

She’s an adult anyway so I wouldn’t take her, but I can’t help but think if she felt better about herself it would all fall into place a bit more smoothly.

Low self-esteem isn't going to be fixed by the first kiss.

I was a relatively late starter too (university not school) and it was easy to get hung up on the idea that when someone wanted to kiss me, that would be the fix to how I felt about myself. Spoiler alert, I felt precisely the same afterwards as I did before. Self-esteem was something I grew into completely separately from first sexual experiences and there isn't really a quick fix for it.

She needs to feel attractive. I found travelling to countries where the men are much more forward to be wonderful for my self esteem. France, Turkey, Caribbean islands..... I bet a nice holiday with a girlfriend to one of these places would sort out the first kiss problem and give her the boost she needs to start dating.

Bless you ,you sound such a lovely concerned Mum! She does not need "fixing" though .Rather she hangs on for the right person ,so many RL go wrong .Do you think she may be gay ? I only ask as she may be a bit confused about her sexuality.My DS finished Uni and hadnt met anyone special ,however now with a lovely girl he met OL! It is better she has her degree under her belt,then gets someone.Do any of her siblings partners have friends ,brothers ,anyone they know who may be interested ?

I think it’s actually a lot more common that people think in this age group. What with the whole lockdown thing creating a huge gap in their social lives and then social media meaning people can’t always be bothered to meet up in real life I think it’s left a lot of young adults really lonely and isolated and unable to form relationships. My dd is 20 and in her second year of university and she hasn’t had a boyfriend or girlfriend yet (she is bisexual). She hardly ever seems to go out either…! She has a lot of friends (lives in a house of 6) and they spend the evenings together etc but during the day she just either does her uni work or watches Netflix. The difference is she doesn’t seem that bothered about meeting anyone or whatever. I guess it will happen at some point… or not!

I was a very shy and incredibly (painfully) self conscious teenager and I was convinced I wouldn’t be a good kisser so I avoided dates or would immediately dump the poor guy. The longer it went on the worse it got as I was terrified of making a fool of myself. I had my first kiss at 18 with a guy who was a friend as well as someone I fancied. The fact that we could chat and laugh together made it a lot easier.

A good friend of mine was in the same boat and was 23.

Both of us then dated extensively (!!) before meeting our now husbands. That first lovely guy I dated for two years and we are still friends. It was a very safe “jumping off” point.

My younger sister had lost her virginity before I got a kiss.

I’m sure it’ll work out.

It's a little unusual but not extraordinary, I dont think Doctor can do much ,she needs s to learn to relax and be herself, and be friendly around people ,and not build it up.into such, a big thing.

I was a late starter - a few snogs at school but no more, because I didn’t like anyone enough, and the same at university. After I graduated, I moved to London to work, and there I met a lot of people I liked very much, and who liked me very much, and spent my early twenties having A Jolly Good Time, sexually speaking. It will happen for her when she meets people she wants to be with, and it doesn’t matter when that is. There’s nothing wrong with her at all!

I was 15/16 when i first held hands with a boy, 18 when I first kissed and had sex with one.
I was an only child, brought up by older parents.My dad was deeply religious and very anti-sex/kissing/ PDAs etc so I didn't see much of that between my parents at all and had no-one to learn from how to navigate the affection and romance side of relationships.I wasn't spoken to about that sort of thing at all, and wasn't allowed to watch it on TV.I grew up thinking kissing and sex were big taboos!

I was really scared of rejection, and embarrassed by intimacy.I had low confidence/self esteem and was scared of feeling exposed and judged....could that be like your DD?

Try to get to the bottom of why she thinks things haven't happened....she clearly wants that as you say she is despairing, maybe chat with her about your own experiences of starting relationships to guide her abit.Does she have any close friends she can talk to who might help too?

I don't think you are unreasonable to be worried, it would worry me a bit too. Those comparing their own youth to the young people now are misguided IME. I agree with a pp who mentioned lockdowns and living online- teens and young adults hardly go out at all compared to when we were young. My teen talks to girls online but doesn't seem to meet them in person ( too awkward).
They can have a sort of simulation of a social life without going through the agony of social awkwardness or real life rejection.
It really really didn't help when Universities kept online lectures and first job might be working from home!
I think your daughter needs to get out and about as much as possible. Join sports clubs, or music clubs, gigs,whatever, just get social. Romance often comes from friendship, especially for shy people.
Also agree with holiday to the Mediterranean, British men are so rubbish at making the first move!

I was a bit older, I was perfectly fine with it and over 20 years later still fine with the thought

It's harder when you're shy. I was a relatively late starter, because I was so awkward and worried about what other people thought that I came across as uninterested. My mum was worried about me, her suggestion was to write my name and number on cards and hand them out to men in nightclubs 🤣 (I didn't do this, and don't recommend it for your daughter!)

I found things easier after university - less group politics and worry about reputation and gossip. And men seemed more straightforward as they got older. Has she tried dating apps? They're far from perfect, but do remove the first hurdle as anyone who swipes/chats to you must be interested.

Should clarify I don't mean to suggest your DD would have had a similar upbringing, just similar feelings about being abit insecure embarrassed by relationships or intimacy, fear of rejection etc

It doesn’t sound like she’s just “not met that person yet” it sounds like she wouldn’t be able to recognise “that person” because she’s too wound up in her shyness and feelings of inadequacy.

OP social anxiety disorder - which it sounds like she has, especially in relation to romantic relationships (or talking to men generally?) - is a condition that a therapist can definitely help with. Whether or not you’ll be able to get help on the NHS, I’m not so sure about.

I lost my virginity at 20 and was 21 before I had a boyfriend. I grew up in the 60s/70s with a mother who’d grown up in 20s/30s who was very much of a “nice girls don’t until they’re married” persuasion. I think I gave off some sort of antiseptic Julie Andrews sort of vibe. But I did meet someone eventually and have been happily married for 33 years. Tell your DD not to worry and just focus on being happy and confident in herself.

I think it's more common than you and your DD think. Both DH and me hadn't kissed anyone by that age either - in my case I have ASD and find it impossible to tell if anyone is interested in me (still can't!), I was convinced I was unfanciable and unloveable. My DH lacked confidence, especially as the guy is often expected to make the first move - he was eventually jumped on by a girl he fancied! He never looked back after that first encounter, however I still would find it hard due to my ASD. I'm sure she will get there in the end, but please don't make her feel like a freak, she'll be thinking that herself already!

Im sorry this situation is making her feel so low.
I don't think there's anything WRONG with someone that hasn't had their first kiss by that age although there probably aren't loads of people that haven't.
Maybe there's an underlying psychological reason why she hasn't felt that close to someone yet, perhaps that's something she could explore with a therapist or maybe she's been working on herself, hobbies, education and friendships and secure enough in herself not to really care / notice until very recently.
I think it would be more worrying to have a daughter that age that was being manipulated into sex or was having sex with multiple partners due to low self esteem issues.