To be worried DD21 hasn’t had her first kiss?

[seesawmargery]

DD21 has recently told me (despairing) that uni’s almost over and she’s still never kissed anyone. I was quite surprised, but it turns out she’s never held hands, never even had a little junior school ‘boyfriend’ and she feels something is wrong with her. Her three younger siblings are all in relationships and she feels terrible about that too.

I’m really concerned for her!

YABU. It’s really none of your business at her age.

She’ll get there. Far better to wait and meet someone you really like than have lots of regret over awful men.

@seesawmargery Sorry for misunderstanding. But still, I wouldn't suggest doctors or anything medical for self esteem. The best way to build self esteem is to do something enjoyable, meaningful, to gain responsibility, and so on.
I also had terrible self esteem at her age, hardly any friends, virtually no social life, I hated university and didn't fit it. Once I left and got into a career and did some travelling I found myself (to use a horrible cliche term!) and developed the self esteem from there.

I don’t think that your daughter is in any way unusual. To be kissed, you usually have to have had the opportunity to be alone with a guy! and that’s not that easy anymore. I have been shocked when speaking to young women at work and to my student nieces about how different things are now. There are very few opportunities for fun or socialising compared to the past - no regular Thursday or Friday night drinks in pubs with colleagues meeting their friends, very few flat parties etc.
At university so many things are online and most students are stressed out with cost of living , accommodation woes and are working far harder than my generation ever did as well as drinking a lot less! Added to that the younger students missed a lot of things - normal growing up experiences - in the Covid years.
But, most depressingly of all, what I have heard recently from young colleagues and my nieces is that they don’t feel safe with strange men. I thought I was cynical but I nearly cried when a young girl at work said to me on a night out that only two of her large group of friends hadn’t been sexually abused or raped by a ‘boyfriend’. I really hope that they are unusual.

Oh bless her, I can completely understand why this is bothering her OP. There's nothing wrong with her or her situaton but it must be so hard for her to see this when she's the one dealing with it. At 21 she's still very young, although she won't feel it, and many more people her age are in the same boat as her than she realises!

A couple of people in my friend group alone didn't kiss anyone until the ages of 23/24, I have a friend in her late 20s who is a virgin, everyone experiences life and relationships as different paces and she won't be stunted or left behind for taking her time. It's important she realises that she shouldn't rush anything with someone she may not be entirely into, just to not be "a 21 year old who hasn't kissed anyone". Kissing and relationships in general aren't like a boat that she will miss if she doesn't jump on quick enough, watching her friends sail away without her, it's more like a train station where a train comes ever 5 minutes, if you don't catch one you get the next one. She will still get to the same destination, just at a different time, nothing is lost because of this.

Also, (if she is the sort of person who won't take this the wrong way) you can tell her in the absolute nicest way possible and with no bad intention, that literally no one cares that she hasn't kissed someone at 21. No one is judging her for not having kissed someone. No one thinks she's lame or slacking, no one thinks badly of her, she is more concerned about this than anyone else will be and she needs to relax as relations will come in their own time, she just needs to ride the wave and she will find the right person when they come along.

The fact she is preparing to leave uni which is a huge milestone, her age now starts with a "2" rather than a "1" and she's no longer a teenager all mean she probably feels like she's running into full-blown adult life but you need to try and gently remind her, in the least patronising way possible, that she is still only 21. She's young. She's got decades of loving, romance, kissing, hugging and dating ahead of her if she wants it but in the grand scheme of things, being a year or two behind your friends and siblings means very little in the overall pathway of her life. It's her life, not to be compared to anyone else's 🙂

I was a late bloomer too. The longer I left it, the harder it became - I was worried that it would be obvious to any boy I kissed that I didn't really know what I was doing, so I would brush off anyone who showed an interest because I couldn't bear the thought of humiliation when he realised my inexperience...

In the end, I made friends with a maths geek and realised he was clearly as clueless as I was. He asked me out, one thing led fumblingly to another and we dated happily for several years. It was fine because I trusted and felt comfortable with him. Does your daughter have an inexperienced friend who might be interested in sharing a bottle of wine and some snogging practice?

Alternatively, like the PP above I'd suggest a holiday to Italy or Spain. If she can pluck up the courage to snog a stranger in a nightclub, it doesn't matter if it's not a huge success because she'll never see him again. And once it's done, she'll feel more confident and that will help her self esteem.

I think that it is a trend to not rush into relationships these days.

I have two sons at college and uni aged 19 and 21, both (I think!) handsome, intelligent, great friends, one very sporty and active and one very creative. Neither have, as far as they have shared(!), had a date yet. There was a picture of one of them swimming in a loch on a uni trip on Instagram in just his boxers, and the comments from the girls over his (it has to be said, impressive) physique were very flattering, but he isn't interested unless they share his outdoor sports passions and want to travel next year...

When I chat to them, they are both of the opinion that they are happy, that they have been focussed on study, sports or friendships, and that they don't want to rush until they find someone they really fancy and share interests with. They are both planning on travelling next year, so again they are of the view why start something when they are heading to the other side of the world next year?

Nothing wrong with her. My parents were pushing and prying throughout my teens/twenties and after a while they just assumed I’d done everything but wasn’t telling them. My actual first kiss was at 30 and I’m not at all sorry about that.

Sometimes this happens - especially when people kind of pass the average age for these things, then feel weird about that, think they're too old, put loads of pressure on themselves bc they think everyone else knows what they're doing and they don't. They also often assume others won't want to do it with them bc they don't know what they're doing.

It can become a bit of a cycle. They find it daunting.

If she wants to I'd recommend going to a club, meeting a guys eyes and asking if he wants a snog 🤷‍♀️😂 Usually works.

When I chat to them, they are both of the opinion that they are happy, that they have been focussed on study, sports or friendships, and that they don't want to rush until they find someone they really fancy and share interests with. They are both planning on travelling next year, so again they are of the view why start something when they are heading to the other side of the world next year?

Ok, I get that, but don't you think they are having sex, even if they aren't looking for serious relationships? Do young people still have sex just for the sake of it??
Maybe they don't. I wonder if porn has ruined sex and they don't see the need anymore? I don't know any young men who are not my children or my children's friends that I can ask this though!

Ugh, why would you want men being forward and leering after you. That would put you off!

l felt like Op’s Dd. It was nothing to do with self esteem. I was drop dead gorgeous and had loads of men after me. I was still scared and anxious though.

Despite other posts I think this is fairly unusual. I was very shy when younger but still got there out of sheer raging hormones.

Does she have hobbies where she meets young men (or women)?

I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 20, in the university summer holidays with the chef in the restaurant where I was working but it was always just going to be a summer holiday “thing”. We never slept together or anything.

I then started seeing someone at university who I was with for 5 years but we didn’t even sleep together until we’d been together for 2 years so I was 22 by that point. I’ve only kissed 3 men in my life - those 2 and my husband.

I think this aspect of personal relationships has changed a lot. In my day you saw someone you fancied, had a spot if tongue hockey and maybe more before you ever found out whether you had anything in common. Both my DC (who are above averagely attractive) found their current partners online. The need to speak to people in this way means that a lot of sifting takes place before deciding to meet, so that initial clash of teeth phase is missed. Maybe your DD needs to look for a soul mate like this.

I feel the same.

DS is 19 soon and not had his first kiss. He's very shy and much younger than most 19 year old, doesn't drink, doenst go out in the evenings, goes to work and plays on his PlayStation.

I felt like I had my first kiss really late and I was 15!

So I worry about how he feels about it.

@simbobs I suggested OLD but she hates photos of herself, so it’s a no-go. I’m not big on social media and couldn’t believe she’s never taken a selfie, but she scrolled through her photos and not one

@sixthvestibule But did you feel bad about when you were early 20s? Just hoping this feeling will pass for her.

@seesawmargery I didn’t actually, being kissed was never high on my list of priorities as a goal in itself or rite of passage. Your DD’s time will come!

I do wonder if porn is causing some issues.
TBF, one of them this weekend had to deal with the fallout of a flatmate breaking up, and some seriously inappropriate behaviour from his ex GF. It may have put him off a relationship for life!

Urgh... so you think the solution to a young woman with mild anxiety about being a late bloomer is to travel to a country where she will be leched over left, right and centre by blokes who don't understand boundaries? How gross and I'm glad you weren't my mum. What kind of signal are you sending to your kids about self-esteem?

OP I think there's nothing wrong with your DD. In fact I'm sneakingly envious. I think getting embroiled with sex and romance too young is disastrous, it just drains so much energy which could be used more positively elsewhere. If I'd had my time again I would have remained a virgin until the age of 25. I can understand why she would feel different about it but actually in the long run it's far better not to focus on this when you're too young. Why would a mother rush to push her daughter into an unsatisfactory relationship before she's ready?

I don't think she needs a psychiatrist or a doctor, she maybe needs some positive affirmations and to keep repeating to herself that she's better off alone until she meets someone.

None of your business.

Just say to her "It's entirely up to you. I have every confidence in you . When yopu're ready for physical contact you'll find it."