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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a low key 50th birthday

41 replies

TheColourofspring · 01/02/2023 10:03

I am turning 50 next month and there is so much pressure so have a party or do something massive! I just don’t feel like it- I have booked a city break in Italy with my husband & kids & will do a small meal out with a couple of friends but that’s all I want to do. i had parties for 21, 30, 40. Feels like there is so much societal pressure for big birthdays tbh.

Aibu? What did you do for your 50th?

OP posts:
midgetastic · 01/02/2023 10:07

I think if you historically had big parties then yes people will expect it. People don't like change. They worry if people change

And if you no longer want that sone of those people will worry that you are feeling sad about getting older rather than growing old yet remaining happy in yourself

Wishimaywishimight · 01/02/2023 10:09

I went on a 'big' holiday (Barbados) with DH as we both turned 50 the same year. Apart from that I had a dinner with family and a couple of dinners with separate friends. All pretty low key. I don't really get "societal pressure" with regard to this (or many other areas of life tbh!) - do whatever you fancy, society doesn't really care.

TangledWebOfDeception · 01/02/2023 10:10

Well I'd certainly be completely disregarding what other people might think and pleasing myself!

Why do so many women live their lives by what everyone else wants?? Good grief, 'People will expect it'! They can keep expecting it, surely at 50 one should be grown up enough to say, I'm doing what I WANT TO DO.

Ohdearnotagain76 · 01/02/2023 10:10

I'm nearly 50 and dreading it. I love a good party and love being centre of attention to a certain extent but dread turning 50, absolutely dread it. If I have my way it will just pass. My family know not to do a surprise party or anything. I don't mind going for a meal or something but don't want balloons or anything like that.

TangledWebOfDeception · 01/02/2023 10:12

@TheColourofspring Just keep saying to people, 'I've booked us a holiday, I'm going to spoil myself on the day and have a lovely time with DH and DC. Can't wait to be fifty and fabulous! No, I don't want a big party.'

Rinse and repeat.

Original poster
TheColourofspring · 01/02/2023 10:14

@Wishimaywishimight i guess I mean people asking me constantly what I am going to do and if that’s a party!! I’ve had a rough year, lost a parent and just feel weird generally & I think it’s making me feel added pressure

OP posts:
mrsbyers · 01/02/2023 10:15

We went to a local Michelin starred restaurant with my best friend and husbands - it was perfect and then had a family Sunday lunch the next day.

Low key and exactly what I wanted

TroysMammy · 01/02/2023 10:15

My birthday is in January and I was on my own on the day for my 50th as my partner and sister were in work and my niece in school. We had takeaway pizza in the evening and the next day I went to Bristol and Bath for 2 nights with my partner.

I'm sure at 50 you can make decisions what you want so if you want to sit on the sofa eating cake all day just do it. If people want a party then they'll have to wait until they are 50.

Your way of celebrating sounds lovely and a Happy Birthday in advance.

Ragwort · 01/02/2023 10:16

Just do what you want to do, why bother to please anyone else? It sounds like you have already made plans for a holiday and a meal out ... surely that's enough?

I really didn't want a party for my 50th but my DH said we 'ought' to celebrate and we held a small party (which I really didn't enjoy much) ... I still feel irritated by it over 14 years later ... for my 60th I took control, booked a restaurant and invited exactly who I wanted ... which was just three family members plus DH. Perfect.

refreshingseahorse · 01/02/2023 10:19

My DM passed away a month before my 50th, so I wasn't feeling very birthday-ish. I went to a nice spa hotel (not something I normally do) and swam in the pool a lot, ate nice food, got a massage. Let it be all about you, not what other people think you should do.

Chamomileteaplease · 01/02/2023 10:19

Some great responses her OP.

If someone asks what you are going to do and you say I'm going to Italy, in what universe can anyone think that's not enough?!

Stick to your guns, I hope this thread has helped you.

Hbh17 · 01/02/2023 10:20

I did nothing for my 50th, because I am not a child. No adult needs a birthday party, imo. If you are doing things you want to do, then it's all good.

Oblomov22 · 01/02/2023 10:31

Do what you want. Mine was last week. I had my closest girl friends to a local Italian restaurant, walked home. I paid most of the bill. Cocktails. A plain Victoria sponge. It was perfect. Dh and I are going to Benidorm for 5 days in mid May.

Some of my friends had huge to-do lists. Some did 50 things. I don't have one. I tried to think of things I wanted to do, and decided I didn't have any that were that pressing, because I've already done all the things I ever wanted to do, been to all the places I really wanted to go to.

Just do what you want. And have the courage to tell people so.

TangledWebOfDeception · 01/02/2023 10:37

@TheColourofspring I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers Be gentle with yourself.

It may not be intended as pressure anyway - people might just be asking and making assumptions based on what they or others would like/have done.

You're treating yourself in the way that feels right to you. Do it with quiet confidence.

bigbluebus · 01/02/2023 10:41

Just tell them what you are doing. I don't get this pressure to have a party just because your age has a 0 on the end.
I'll be 60 next year and won't be having a party. Will probably go for a meal with friends and family and I'm planning an interail trip in Europe with DH. But I don't feel the need for a party and neither did DH when he turned 60.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 01/02/2023 10:43

There is nothing wrong with wanting a low-key anything. It is your occasion, you can celebrate it how you wish to, or not at all.

ferneytorro · 01/02/2023 10:49

Went away for a weekend in the uk with another couple. It was not referred to as my birthday weekend at my request ( i know i have issues!). Did not want a fuss.

Hillarious · 01/02/2023 10:57

Spent all day cooking a big Indian meal for 16 friends. A very good friend came over from the US to help me!

sleepwhenidie · 01/02/2023 10:58

YANBU - mine was a couple of weeks ago and I felt the same (had a big 40th). Had the day off work, lunch with DH and relaxed dinner out with the kids and a couple of nights away with DH in the New Forest for a weekend. I am still in the process of a series of small celebrations with different groups of friends in places that are a little more extravagant than usual, eg brunch at Aquashard, afternoon tea at a posh hotel, dinner at a fab restaurant, cocktails and dinner at private members club. And I’m planning a weekend away in May with two BF’s also turning 50 this year. I am loving dragging it out and having some fuss but not a big ‘bang’!

luckylavender · 01/02/2023 10:58

TheColourofspring · 01/02/2023 10:03

I am turning 50 next month and there is so much pressure so have a party or do something massive! I just don’t feel like it- I have booked a city break in Italy with my husband & kids & will do a small meal out with a couple of friends but that’s all I want to do. i had parties for 21, 30, 40. Feels like there is so much societal pressure for big birthdays tbh.

Aibu? What did you do for your 50th?

You do what you want to do. I haven't had a birthday party since I was 18 - will turn 61 in a few days.

donttellmehesalive · 01/02/2023 11:00

I don't understand why you are feeling pressure. Surely people are just trying to seem interested in your milestone birthday. Saying that you are going for a meal and on holiday will answer their question adequately as they are perfectly lovely celebrations.

mondaytosunday · 01/02/2023 11:03

I went out with one group of friends for dinner in my old town, then went out with another few where I live now. Very nice but certainly did not want to do anything more. I arranged it all.

Chittering · 01/02/2023 11:06

Mine's this year. We are going away on holiday. I don't want a fuss. I had a party for my 30th and I didn't like the stress of it. Will be happy to be away and then have a family meal when we get back. I have got a few nice things booked with friends this year and I have in my head that they are 50th treats but I haven't called them that..it's not that I don't like hitting 50 just that I don't like it all being about me

WandaWonder · 01/02/2023 11:06

midgetastic · 01/02/2023 10:07

I think if you historically had big parties then yes people will expect it. People don't like change. They worry if people change

And if you no longer want that sone of those people will worry that you are feeling sad about getting older rather than growing old yet remaining happy in yourself

I am not disputing your points but when can a birthday person actually have the birthday they want?

It should be for them not everyone else

TheDogsMother · 01/02/2023 11:07

I went to a fabulous boutique hotel
near Rome for my 50th then saw various friends separately after. Other than my Mum I don't think anyone has sussed it's the next milestone one this year. I will have a similarly lovely escape abroad. Just say to people you will be going away so no party. No need to explain more. Your birthday your way. Oh and happy birthday !

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