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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to bother buying Xmas gifts or giving money to my kids, when they owe me money?

51 replies

Shellsonthesandybeach · 18/12/2022 09:38

As in the title really. I’ve two kids who are now adults (20 and 19) and I’ve always ensured I do what I can for them at Christmas and birthdays, to which they’re always grateful.
However, this year they’ve both borrowed around £500 to £1000 off me, with the promise to pay it back quickly, but six months has gone by and I’ve not received a penny from either of them. Both keep saying “I’ll give you the money soon Mum”, but then nothing materialises! …. Oh and they both work!
I know they will eventually pay me back (if I start to go on at them!) but I now feel like not bothering spending out for Christmas on them, as it feels wrong to when they owe me money as it is.
On the other hand, I’m probably a soft touch and I’ll feel really guilty if I tell them they’re getting absolutely nothing from me for Christmas/birthdays until they pay back what they owe.
WWYD?

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 18/12/2022 09:43

"Sorry I can't afford Xmas presents this your. You owe me X. When I get that I will be able to afford to buy presents."

Stressedmum2017 · 18/12/2022 09:46

Personally I would still get them something yeah. Maybe not to the amount you would have but you are still their mum whatever so will still be nice for them to have something to open from you even if it's just a set of smellies and a box of chocolates.
In the new year set up a payment plan with them.

Tangled123 · 18/12/2022 09:48

What if their Christmas present is a reduction in the amount the amount they owe you?

RunnerBum · 18/12/2022 10:00

Buy them a small gift and reduce the amount that they owe you in line with how much you'd usually give - it's the same as giving them cash, right? I'd tell them in advance though that you're intending to do that.

FinallyHere · 18/12/2022 10:01

RunnerBum · 18/12/2022 10:00

Buy them a small gift and reduce the amount that they owe you in line with how much you'd usually give - it's the same as giving them cash, right? I'd tell them in advance though that you're intending to do that.

This

And no big drama just breezy matter of fact.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 18/12/2022 10:02

Get them a Lynx or B&H gift set. That learn 'em.

I'm only joking for those that have no sense of humour

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 18/12/2022 10:06

I would sort of agree with you op but at the Same time ,more fool you for ever lending them anything you can't afford to loose.

If this was me I would be calling a serious meeting stating my financial needs and making it clear that I must be paid back.
I would also state that in families where Money is short,it *goes around ".

I'e with my dm.i gave her ££ and df sometimes, and back to me when I needed it.
If they don't pay you back then you won't be able to trust them ever again.

You can't afford to just give them this money.
They must pay it back and get an idea how much.

Original poster
Shellsonthesandybeach · 18/12/2022 10:12

RunnerBum · 18/12/2022 10:00

Buy them a small gift and reduce the amount that they owe you in line with how much you'd usually give - it's the same as giving them cash, right? I'd tell them in advance though that you're intending to do that.

That’s probably what I’ll do

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellsonthesandybeach · 18/12/2022 10:13

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 18/12/2022 10:02

Get them a Lynx or B&H gift set. That learn 'em.

I'm only joking for those that have no sense of humour

Now there’s a thought 😀

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellsonthesandybeach · 18/12/2022 10:16

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 18/12/2022 10:06

I would sort of agree with you op but at the Same time ,more fool you for ever lending them anything you can't afford to loose.

If this was me I would be calling a serious meeting stating my financial needs and making it clear that I must be paid back.
I would also state that in families where Money is short,it *goes around ".

I'e with my dm.i gave her ££ and df sometimes, and back to me when I needed it.
If they don't pay you back then you won't be able to trust them ever again.

You can't afford to just give them this money.
They must pay it back and get an idea how much.

Yes I’ve been too soft! and I guess that’s why I’ve not been paid back yet!
I’ll do just that re the family meeting, as I do feel as if they’re taking me for a mug now.

OP posts:
ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 18/12/2022 10:20

I'm assuming you do need it op?
I'd even show them bills and outgoings and how you budget

Original poster
Shellsonthesandybeach · 18/12/2022 10:24

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 18/12/2022 10:20

I'm assuming you do need it op?
I'd even show them bills and outgoings and how you budget

Yes I definitely do need it, and I feel annoyed about buying them something, but then at the same time guilty if I don’t! …… I’ll probably just knock off an amount they’ll have to pay back and get them something small each.

OP posts:
ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 18/12/2022 10:26

You need to impress upon them how serious it is. I'd even try and get them around before Xmas.

Then when they receive a "token" gift they will understand why and get it.

Chrispackhamspoodle · 18/12/2022 10:28

Chocolate orange,some Christmas socks and take what you normally spend off what they owe you.Explain what you are doing.They might be relieved to have paid some of it off and who doesn't like a chocolate orange?(that's rhetorical-I don't want to derail the thread)

Threadkillacilla · 18/12/2022 10:28

"Where's my money Brian?" On repeat and a selection box each.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 18/12/2022 10:37

Thread kills.

I disagree on that tactic because he will see his mum as a massive moaning nag and not want to be around her. .he won't be any the wiser as to why she needs this money and he will hate her for no Xmas presents.
They must understand why she needs it and this will only benefit them all in future.

Redmushrooms · 18/12/2022 10:43

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 18/12/2022 10:37

Thread kills.

I disagree on that tactic because he will see his mum as a massive moaning nag and not want to be around her. .he won't be any the wiser as to why she needs this money and he will hate her for no Xmas presents.
They must understand why she needs it and this will only benefit them all in future.

This.

Singleandproud · 18/12/2022 10:50

You havent necessarily been a soft touch but don't loan them anymore until you get it back.

View getting it back as teaching them a Life lesson, they have to know that when you borrow money it has to be paid back otherwise they'll get in trouble with loans and credit cards in future however at the moment they aren't taking the debt seriously and paying the full amount is probably overwhelming.

I'd sit them down and tell them that you will wipe off £X amount (what ever you normally spend on them) but also give them a manageable payment plan that they have to meet, £50 a month of whatever suits you both stick it on the fridge or somewhere visible so that it's not forgotten.

CampervanKween · 18/12/2022 10:53

My brother owes me £650. For his recent 50th I told him I'd knock £150 off his debt. Will do the same for Christmas. He was fine about it.

RewildingAmbridge · 18/12/2022 10:56

Did you agree repayment plans when you loaned them the money? When I was on mat.leave my car died, DF loaned us money for the new one as we were considering finance and he hates anyone paying interest. I said straight away I'm back to work on x date, get paid on the last day of every month, I'll give you £500 a month until it's clear.
If you've not had that conversation you'll need to instigate one. John you owe me £1000 , Jane you owe me £500 neither of you have made any repayments. From January payday you will pay me £100 a month back. Can you set up standing orders now to show me this will happen.
Have this conversation now and their reaction will tell you if you feel like buying them presents

Lkydfju · 18/12/2022 10:57

Are they living in a way where they could pay you back but just aren’t?
If they are really struggling then I’d buy as normal if you can afford to; if they’re just taking their time I’d buy something small

Fraaahnces · 18/12/2022 11:05

Chocolate Orange each and a reduction written in the card.

amyneedssleep · 18/12/2022 11:10

You need to set up a payment plan immediately. 19/20 is still young enough to be irresponsible with money. I have borrowed similar amounts from my parents in the past but mum has made me set up a monthly direct debit as soon as the money goes into my account, set for the day I'm paid.

As for the Xmas present, I'd buy them half the amount you usually get them and explain in advance you really can't afford more than that.

birder · 18/12/2022 11:11

A lot would depend what they needed the money for. Definitely make them set up direct debits though......now, before christmas.

gogohmm · 18/12/2022 11:12

Depends on their situation, are they working? Are they paying rent? What do they earn?

My student dd has no money so I buy useful stuff for her whereas the younger one has a good graduate job so buys me lovely things Grin