Page 2 | AIBU for not wanting to bother buying Xmas gifts or giving money to my kids, when they owe me money?

Shellsonthesandybeach · 2022-12-18T09:38:07+00:00

As in the title really. I’ve two kids who are now adults (20 and 19) and I’ve always ensured I do what I can for them at Christmas and birthdays, to which they’re always grateful. However, this year they’ve both borrowed around £500 to £1000 off me, with the promise to pay it back quickly, but six months has gone by and I’ve not received a penny from either of them. Both keep saying “I’ll give you the money soon Mum”, but then nothing materialises! …. Oh and they both work! I know they will eventually pay me back (if I start to go on at them!) but I now feel like not bothering spending out for Christmas on them, as it feels wrong to when they owe me money as it is. On the other hand, I’m probably a soft touch and I’ll feel really guilty if I tell them they’re getting absolutely nothing from me for Christmas/birthdays until they pay back what they owe. WWYD?

PeaceJoySleep · 18/12/2022 11:13

My kids are 19 and 16 and I'm getting them things they need + selection boxes!
my dd works and is at college but lives at home so she's ok for money. neither of them owes me money but I don't blame you, it wouldn't make me inclined to sit around thinking of lovely ideas to surprise them. It's not the money itself, it's the assumption that they can borrow and not pay back!

ilovesushi · 18/12/2022 11:16

I would get them something small. Try and sort out the owed money separately and not equate it with Christmas otherwise it feels resentful and punitive. Though it is very off of them not to pay back if they can!

iwantavuvezela · 18/12/2022 11:20

I'd also consider what they borrowed the money for - if it is to help with costs with studying, living in general etc, then i would set up payment plan in January after Christmas.

If they bought themselves a new laptop or something really nice for pleasure, then I'd speak to them about reducing amount they owed in lieu of a christmas present as they had something they wanted and the money would then then help pay for it.

gliiterryballs · 18/12/2022 11:21

I would keep the issue's separate.

StrawberryPot · 18/12/2022 11:26

I would sort of agree with you op but at the Same time ,more fool you for ever lending them anything you can't afford to loose.

I wouldn't apply this to my own children.

I agree with others - for me it would depend on what they needed the money for. The fact that they're both working doesn't mean they can afford to make ends meet. If they needed it for something frivolous/non-essential I'd be taking a much harder line than if they needed it for essentials.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 18/12/2022 11:29

I’d still get small gifts like chocolate and a book, because they are your children and it’s Christmas.

I would have a separate discussion about repaying the debt with timescales.

DenholmElliot11 · 18/12/2022 11:33

For me it would depend on

what they borrowed the money for
how much they earn
how much they current pay for board

Ragruggers · 18/12/2022 11:34

Why did they borrow money?Did you agree how it would be paid back?They are just thinking you don’t need the money.Tell them this needs sorting.

Floralnomad · 18/12/2022 11:39

If you needed the money back you should have sorted out a payment plan at the time or shortly after not just let it slide as they think you don’t really need / want it back . Personally I’d just crack on with Christmas as usual and not loan them any more money .

Biscuits1011 · 18/12/2022 11:40

I don’t think adult children borrowing money off you makes you a mug… I mean have you seen the cost of living crisis?! I actually asked my mum to lend us some money to help us over the winter with our bills.. we both work but just struggling so much. She gave me some money no problem and said she doesn’t want it back. And I’d like to think I’d do the same for my kids if they were struggling. However, she can afford it. So it depends on your financial situation.

but yeah I do think not giving them anything is a bit off. Just a couple small gifts would be ok wouldn’t it? I’m not expecting much of my mum at all and I’ve told her so.

Suedomin · 18/12/2022 11:50

I wouldn't conflate gifts which should be given freely with no expectation of return with payment of a debt.
However how annoyed I would feel about them paying it back depends on what they needed the money for, how much money they have , how much you need the money and whether you can afford to be without the money for some time.
The gifts I would but would depend on how much I could afford.

Original poster

Shellsonthesandybeach · 18/12/2022 12:31

Ok so my DS borrowed the money to have his car fixed (he’d just started a new job and was waiting for his wages), and also I drew out cash because he’d lost his bank card at the time. That was months ago. He earns almost twice the amount I do now, and stays with his girlfriend and paying not a lot of board to her mum I don’t think.
Dd borrowed the money for a holiday, but is a student, and so I’m not expecting the money back from her in huge chunks. She does work part time however and hasn’t paid board.
They both have had holidays and weekends away with their partners since I lent the money, this is why I’m a bit pissed off that there’s been no attempt to pay me back.

OP posts:

gliiterryballs · 18/12/2022 12:35

Have you spoken to them about it?

Right from the off if I were to lend my adult DC money it would be on the condition they paid X back every Y weeks or whatever.

Original poster

Shellsonthesandybeach · 18/12/2022 12:38

gliiterryballs · 18/12/2022 12:35

Have you spoken to them about it?

Right from the off if I were to lend my adult DC money it would be on the condition they paid X back every Y weeks or whatever.

Yes I have told them I need the money back soon, but didn’t set a payment plan up or give them a deadline which in hindsight I should have.

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Testina · 18/12/2022 12:40

You’re not doing them any favours.
Taking your stand at Xmas makes you feel awkward and possibly look a bit of a dick - though you still should.
The time to take your stand was when they next went on a weekend away.
I’d give a small present, and not take any money off the debt.
I’d only mention the money owed if they commented on the smallness of the present - even then, I might say, “I don’t have enough money at the moment” and not add “because of you”.
Come January (or Boxing Day!) I’d remind them what they owed and agree a repayment schedule. Then chase them for it.

Original poster

Shellsonthesandybeach · 18/12/2022 12:41

Biscuits1011 · 18/12/2022 11:40

I don’t think adult children borrowing money off you makes you a mug… I mean have you seen the cost of living crisis?! I actually asked my mum to lend us some money to help us over the winter with our bills.. we both work but just struggling so much. She gave me some money no problem and said she doesn’t want it back. And I’d like to think I’d do the same for my kids if they were struggling. However, she can afford it. So it depends on your financial situation.

but yeah I do think not giving them anything is a bit off. Just a couple small gifts would be ok wouldn’t it? I’m not expecting much of my mum at all and I’ve told her so.

Yes I know about the cost of living crisis! One reason I need the money back! My DS has been living rent free with me and my DS pays minimum board to his girlfriends mum I believe. The cost of living crisis isn’t really affecting my kids like it is me!

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Original poster

Shellsonthesandybeach · 18/12/2022 12:42

Shellsonthesandybeach · 18/12/2022 12:41

Yes I know about the cost of living crisis! One reason I need the money back! My DS has been living rent free with me and my DS pays minimum board to his girlfriends mum I believe. The cost of living crisis isn’t really affecting my kids like it is me!

Show quote history

*Dd living rent free

OP posts:

Testina · 18/12/2022 12:42

I really wouldn’t reduce their debt as a Xmas present. It’s a better lesson for them that debt doesn’t just melt away. That will come across much more like you’re just letting them off - even though the maths of it isn’t that.

Separate Xmas from the debt in that sense - but let them feel the consequences of them causing you to have no spare cash. Socks it is!

HoHoHowMuch · 18/12/2022 12:43

Get them a lottery scratch card each. That way if they lose you didn't spend much and if they win they have the funds to pay you back

Testina · 18/12/2022 12:43

@Biscuits1011 I’ll buy your COL crisis for the son borrowing to fix a car to get to work. Not the daughter borrowing for a bloody holiday though!

Original poster

Shellsonthesandybeach · 18/12/2022 12:49

Testina · 18/12/2022 12:42

I really wouldn’t reduce their debt as a Xmas present. It’s a better lesson for them that debt doesn’t just melt away. That will come across much more like you’re just letting them off - even though the maths of it isn’t that.

Separate Xmas from the debt in that sense - but let them feel the consequences of them causing you to have no spare cash. Socks it is!

The more I think about it you’re probably right, I don’t want them to feel as if I’m letting them off.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shellsonthesandybeach · 18/12/2022 12:51

Testina · 18/12/2022 12:43

@Biscuits1011 I’ll buy your COL crisis for the son borrowing to fix a car to get to work. Not the daughter borrowing for a bloody holiday though!

His car is a luxury really, not a necessity, he could easily bike work if he had to 🙂 ….

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euff · 18/12/2022 12:55

If they aren't contributing to your rent and bills it shouldn't be that difficult for your DS at least to pay you back. I know they shouldn't need to in order to honour a debt but do they truly understand your financial position? As pp's have said sit them down and show them. You could also start charging him/ them a contribution that will ease things in proportion with their means.

After Christmas if nothing has been forthcoming ask them to set up a standing order to you for x amount per month to clear the debt.

Singleandproud · 18/12/2022 13:00

Perhaps the car needs to go. Cars are a luxury for young people especially at the moment, they are a money pit especially with the insurance costs of a newish driver. I couldnt afford to learn to drive / buy a car until I was in my late 20s so I had to make do with public transport and bikes. It sounds like he could do the same so next time he asks for money for the car I'd say no and that hell have to tighten his belt or make sacrifices like the rest of the country.

I would also be encouraging him to contribute more to his GF mum so he isn't taking advantage of her good will too.

gliiterryballs · 18/12/2022 15:18

I think the biggest problem is that you have leant them money for non essentials, with no repayment plan which says to them 'it's not important'.

Talk to them about starting proper payments and keep it separate from Christmas. If the cost of living means you can't afford to buy much/expensive gifts that would still be the case if they had repaid the money, having a few extra hundred would be important enough in crisis to keep, not spend.