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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you consider to be ’deep and meaningful’ conversations?

49 replies

AmITooTired · 14/12/2022 11:17

The title basically.

I’ve been trying to get better at this, but people mostly just want to talk about their families and about relationship/partners/dating.
And I find those topics really boring.
What are the topics I could try and turn the conversations towards?

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 14/12/2022 11:22

Most people won't appreciate you side stepping their boring everyday lives to plumb the big questions on life. One follows the other with enough time.

Politics or current affairs can be a bridge.

HappinessAlley · 14/12/2022 11:23

I’m maybe going to be a little unfair, but often, I find what some people call “deep and meaningful conversation” is actually self-indulgent self-absorbed conversation.

Mushroo · 14/12/2022 11:25

What do you want to talk about? It won’t be deep and meaningful if it’s something you know nothing about!

I also tend to find ‘deep and meaningful’ conversations tedious, unless I know the person really really well and they happen naturally.

Pismascrescents · 14/12/2022 11:26

Anything that really makes you think, open up or share things you wouldn’t normally share

TurtleTriplets · 14/12/2022 11:27

Who are you hoping to have these deep and meaningful conversations with? I barley have time for small talk and pleasantries in work, I am interested in my friends lives and relationships and randoms in the supermarket would think you have lost your mind!

mynameiscalypso · 14/12/2022 11:28

Surely it depends on the person and what you're interested in? I joke that I have one friend (ex-colleague) and we meet for dinner once a month or so, spend the first part doing the family updates etc and then, as more wine is drunk, get more animated and talk in depth about our subject matter. We were in the pub this week at 11pm drinking cocktails and arguing and obscure bits of UK legislation. Boring to most people but fascinating to us!

10HailMarys · 14/12/2022 11:37

Conversations about partners, families and relationships can be very deep and meaningful. Those are emotional topics that cover huge life issues.

I think 'I find people boring, how can I make them more interesting to me?' is a rather selfish way of approaching things, to be honest.

Also, has it occurred to you that there is a time and a place for deeper conversations? I'll happily have a long and serious discussion about politics or religion or ethics or the arts or science or any number of other subjects when the circumstances and the mood are right and I'm with people I know really well who are interested and engaged in the topic, but I wouldn't necessarily want to have that same conversation with someone while I was out for drinks with my workmates after a long day.

I think perhaps you're being a bit intense.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 14/12/2022 11:43

You find talking to your friends about their lives and the things that are important to them, boring? Well, you sound lovely!

I would find it really strange if I was catching up with my friend and instead of talking about our lives they started to talk about religion or philosophy or something. Possibly you’re just not as good friends with them as you think you are?

bridgetreilly · 14/12/2022 11:45

I think you need different friends. Some people love talking about ideas and meaning and bigger picture stuff. Many don’t. You need to find your tribe.

PortableVirgins · 14/12/2022 11:53

bridgetreilly · 14/12/2022 11:45

I think you need different friends. Some people love talking about ideas and meaning and bigger picture stuff. Many don’t. You need to find your tribe.

Yes. Either you're choosing the wrong people, or you're choosing the wrong time to try to have these conversations with the right people.

What do you mean, you've been 'trying to get better' at this, but find that most people don't want to engage with the topics you want to discuss? So why are you 'trying to get better at' it?

I will happily discuss all kinds of things from the colonial politics of 18thc Ireland to the ethics of the self-help industry, but not when I'm late for my bus, or trying to get on with something at work.

Original poster
AmITooTired · 14/12/2022 13:29

I neant conversarions with friends, not with stangers.

One person gave an actual good advice that I need to find my tribe, that could be it.

There was one commenter who seemed offended that I don’t care about people’s relationships, those topics tend to be long and about how husband had alittle flew or kids are not sleeping or someone is tired from work. That is in fact, boring.

I’ve just read so mny times that here that you have to have deep conversations with your friend or they just remain shallow relationships, so I was just wondering what it is that other’s actually talk about. With people they are closed too.

Some people love talking about ideas and meaning and bigger picture stuff

This truly sounds amazing to me!
I’ve been reading and listening about nervous system, body-mind connection and universe.
And like I said, many want to talk about relationships, so I’ve been reading about that too, and learned about amatonormativity, that hot me very excited, I tried to bring it up with one friend who struggles to date - but it didn’t go over so well.

OP posts:
ThreeFeetTall · 14/12/2022 13:37

I have a wonderful friend who hardly does small talk. We talk about life, death, our childhoods and what we have taken into adulthood etc etc
My suggestion is find some people that are not English, other cultures better at open chat with people that are not best friends/family. (I am assuming you are mainly talking to English people here, obviously I could be wrong)

MoanySloney · 14/12/2022 13:41

HappinessAlley · 14/12/2022 11:23

I’m maybe going to be a little unfair, but often, I find what some people call “deep and meaningful conversation” is actually self-indulgent self-absorbed conversation.

This!

I've also noticed that people who have 'deep and meaningful conversations' have usually had a few whilst having said conversations. And are just talking shit.

What would you like to talk about instead? Sometimes I'd love to talk to other people about my hobbies etc.

PortableVirgins · 14/12/2022 13:49

I’ve been reading and listening about nervous system, body-mind connection and universe.

See, I would have absolutely no idea what you were talking about if you said this to me -- is the problem that you're simply not clear, or are using jargon, or are simply too carried away with your enthusiasm for something to communicate what it is you're talking about? A conversation isn't a monologue, so the other person has to find the topic of interest, too.

I didn't know the term 'amatonormativity', but if you take away the term, it's not a new or unusual concept to grasp that thinking everyone is better off in a socially-sanctioned, monogamous relationship is a pretty lazy assumption.

33goingon64 · 14/12/2022 14:06

You sound like someone I would enjoy talking to OP. I don't know anything about the subject you mention but I'd be interested to find out. I instantly feel connected to someone when they trust me enough to talk about something deep straight away. Politics, books, culture, science - why not? Those exchanges can be very rewarding and are much more interesting than the humdrum stuff about kids and school. I have a few friends I'm on that level with. I know I'm never going to have a large social circle with those preferences but that's fine. I do find that people who are from abroad or have lived abroad seem more likely to want to talk outside of their daily lives.

Original poster
AmITooTired · 14/12/2022 14:12

I didn't know the term 'amatonormativity', but if you take away the term, it's not a new or unusual concept to grasp that thinking everyone is better off in a socially-sanctioned, monogamous relationship is a pretty lazy assumption.

But now, if you were open minded enough, we could talk about it.
Because you clearly only read the first sentence, the concept of amatonormativity is actually more about that perhaps this isin’t the only or best or necessary arragment.
That other type of relationships are just as important and and partnered relationships shouln’t be put on the pedastal.
And now this reminded me of about split attraction and we could continue to have a fascinating conversation!

btw the comments saying I’m being self-indulgent, perhaps, who knows!
I kind of felt that in my time too, when my cousin bang on about her upcoming wedding or when my best friend didn’t talk about anything else than trying to have a baby.
I guess it all evens out in the end, huh?

OP posts:
Original poster
AmITooTired · 14/12/2022 14:19

And now I apolize! I read your comment too fast and and went with it portable!

Well, I’ve never heard anyone talk about it and pretty much everyone I know wants a very convetional life (that’s okey of cource) and I just gor excited about it, that’s all.

OP posts:
Choconut · 14/12/2022 14:38

'I’ve been reading and listening about nervous system, body-mind connection and universe. I'm a curious soul and now I'd like to know what this is! Can't tell if I'd be genuinely interested or think it was a load of pretentious woo!

EmmaAgain22 · 14/12/2022 14:46

I feel as if your title and posts are at odds

Everyone finds different things deep and meaningful.

I also find partner, kids etc talk tedious but there has to be give and take.

Twinsforthewin · 14/12/2022 16:56

Hang out with Americans, straight in there with the massive deep life chat, zero filter (not all Americans Yadda Yadda usual disclaimers apply)

EmmaAgain22 · 14/12/2022 17:31

Twinsforthewin · 14/12/2022 16:56

Hang out with Americans, straight in there with the massive deep life chat, zero filter (not all Americans Yadda Yadda usual disclaimers apply)

What do you consider "deep life chat"?

Chikapu · 14/12/2022 17:42

Do you really want to have deep and meaningful conversations or do you just want to showboat about how smart you think you are?
If someone said 'I'll just pop the kettle on then we can have a lovely chat about the nervous system' I'd think they needed their bumps felt.

pinneddownbytabbies · 14/12/2022 17:44

Other people's everyday chitchat about their kids, upcoming wedding, DH's ManFlu, holiday bookings and whatever else IS boring most of the time.

But social etiquette being what it is, you chat along with them, and most of the time that's that. Maybe the conversation might develop into far more in-depth conversations if you would let them flow naturally instead of trying to force the situation.

Nobody is going to relish being asked whether (for instance) they think the planet is heading for destruction due to human over-population when they recently told you they are expecting a baby, but they might go on to talk about their deep emotions connected with whether or not bringing a child into the world now was the right thing to do. But they lead the conversation, you follow.

motherofqilins · 14/12/2022 17:48

these type of conversations take time to build up as trust between both sides need to be created. most of the time for these type of conversations to be successful the other person has to either feel confident enough to know your views don't clash or feel comfortable enough in the relationship to know that you won't be conformational should they be of a different opinion to you. also by the sounds of it depending on the type of conversations or advice you tried to give you might need to work on when it is a good time to have these conversations. also do be aware that with these deep conversations not everyone is always going to agree with you.

Lilyhatesjaz · 14/12/2022 17:54

I love these sort of conversations.
We often have them at family meal times, my DC are adult.
Maybe you need to know people really well so there is no judgement or falling out if people disagree.
I normally talk to my friends about family and holidays.
Perhaps you should do an evening class or join a book club to find more like minded people.