To ask for your strategies to not lose my shit with my toddler?

[AllTheUsernamesLeftAreShit]

I am a bit because I'm blatantly posting here in the hope of picking up traffic.

My lovely little boy is 2.5 and I have turned into shouty mum 😔 I start every day intending to be my most patient self and then fail miserably nine out of ten times. I've just lost my temper with a tantrum over his drink and shouted at him that he can just not have one with his breakfast then (he did get one though, I'm not quite that bad).

This really isn't good enough. I am quite unhappy in general but that isn't his problem. Mornings are a particular pinch point as it's such a rush to get ready and out - everything is prepared the night before as much as possible, I can't make this less busy.

What strategies do you use to remain zen in the face of toddler? Please inspire me!

Shamelessly bumping 🙂

Pick your battles and try and give him choices when you can.

If he really doesn't want to put his shoes on, take him to nursery in his sock/slippers with his shoes in a bag.
Give him the choice of a red t-shirt or a blue t-shirt rather than the entire contents of his wardrobe, or having to go with your choice.

Another thing to remember to is you cannot win an argument with a toddler, so try to avoid in the first place.

One that works for me and that my kids find hilarious is to throw a tantrum myself.

So for example my 3 year old always throws a strop when it's my turn to put him to bed and does I WANT DADDY so when I see him open his mouth I preemptively get in and throw myself on the floor and say that I want daddy to put me to bed and it's not FAIR.

I actually find it quite therapeutic and the kids just giggle

Do you have a partner and is he/she helping? Is it two of you trying to get ready for work in the morning plus drop todddler at nursery? It might be worth getting up earlier, maybe even just 30 mins before your toddler wakes up to have some time to yourself. Not easy if toddler doesn’t sleep through or you end up going to bed late but it might at least give you some breathing room before the chaos kicks off.

it also sounds like you need some time to yourself on the weekend, maybe even just a few hours.

I don’t want to make you feel worse but i grew up with a shouty mum and it was awful. I’ve been the opposite with my child - he knows he’s in trouble when I get really quiet. Just remember toddlers are incredibly frustrating but it’s also not their fault. Do whatever you can to reverse this.

Follow big little feelings on Instagram. It has helped me a lot

I used to do this too it always diffused the situation!

When DD starts to tantrum, I'm say something like "thank you for showing me that you can't (put your shoes on/choose what to wear/get up to the breakfast table/etc) today. I'm going to count to 3 and then do it for you."

By thanking her and acknowledging our loud that she's having a hard time, I find it much easier to keep calm. Doing it in my head doesn't work as well.

I was in a shit situation and also worried about this so sort of created a parenting “mask” that switched on as soon as we interacted. Just like the phone voice or teacher voice.

Have a shouting-free house as a standard rule.

I always think to the future and how they’ll remember their childhoods. I don’t want them to have any of me losing my shit like I do with my parents.

I also like to look at an imaginary camera like Tim from The Office when something ridiculous happens. I did it for my own amusement but the kids ended up finding it hilarious in itself and that accidentally made mis-haps a nicer experience 😆

A decent proportion of toddler tantrums come down to
• hunger (give them regular snacks)
• lack of sleep (do they need a nap?)
• frustration
• needing some lap time and hugs

A decent proportion of toddler mum tantrums come down to
• hunger (eat regularly and sensibly as a priority. Keep blood sugar levels up)
• broken sleep (share the burden of sleep with your partner. Organise a sitter and get a nap)
• frustration (learn about normal child development do you know when your experience rations of them are unreasonable
• being touched out/sensory overwhelm/not getting opportunities to connect with other adults.

Give yourself a serious Pat on the back everytime you manage to hold it together because it’s really tough!

Lower your expectations if your mindset is 'he must do this ' change it, if you don't attach your needs to the situation you feel a lot less angry.

Do have -
Consistent routine
Good bedtime routine
Regular meals /snacks
Lots of opportunity to burn energy
Lots of stimulation
Down time
Try to pre empt things so if toddler throws things move breakables, throws food on floor put a mat down.
Consistent discipline, thinking time for 2 mins is quite good as it can be done anywhere and can reset the situation

Remember tantrums are not pleasant for the child either they are overwhelmed and upset regardless of how ridiculous or unnecessary their reaction is. Try to stay calm during tantrums- count to ten, name objects in the room, listen for outside noises. Try to give the tantrum minimal response but do give lots of attention to behaviour you want to see and role model the behaviour you want.

Give some choices in situations where he will often be able to choose (what book to read, which tv show to watch, what song to play, which fruit to have)

Be wary of offering choices for everything. This backfired for me time ending up where DC expected choices for everything in life and often you don't get to choose because a) you need to wear the weather appropriate clothes/school uniform etc b) there are other kids who want to choose too c) there is only one available colour d) alternatives are not safe e) there isn't time for every option

There will be tears and tantrums but they do have to learn they just won't always get what they want - it passes.

In the meantime - consistency, consistency, consistency.

Most tantrums happen when tired/hungry or you are inconsistent (eg mummy gave in to the cake at Starbucks last week so if I whinge a lot now she'll give in again), so build in lots of naps, food and time running round outdoors.

I tried only to 'force' issues to do with health and or safety when DD was that age. Everything else, I figured would sort itself out. She's 5 yo now and seems quite OK. Don't feel angry/upset with yourself OP. It gets easier xx

You probably need to get up earlier if your mornings are too rushed. It won't be forever as he will get more independent.

I agree with trying to have consistent routines with only a small amount of choice.

It's really easy to get stuck In a negative rut. Try and have a morning where you only use positive language. Loads of praise even for nothing. How wonderful he is and how good he is what a superstar etc etc. Really go over the top !!! See what happens. By the way anything bad just ignore and walk away. Then go back to positive Also loud singing voice ! Good luck

I found the book 'Playful Parenting' helpful to change the mood. It is difficult not to meet negativity (tantrums etc) with negativity but it is always always more effective to go the other way of you can manage it. That book had some useful tips (if a bit American).

When you feel like you're about to lose it, stop, take a breath and look at his face. I mean, really look. It'll remind you of how genuinely little he is and how much you love him. And then you'll have a reset and hopefully keep it together a little while longer.

It's so hard sometimes. I try to have a sip of water. Breathe. Then offer a choice. When you feel like yelling try whispering it or saying it in a silly voice. Be kind to yourself.

Mine are at school now but I was shouty mum this morning when they just would not stop squabbling... So watching with interest for any ideas that might work for older ones too...

Pick your battles.

Don't engage in an argument. Just move on/change the subject. When you really boil it down there are very few things that really matter. It doesn't matter if he doesn't eat his breakfast/have a drink/have his socks on/wear his jacket/get dressed etc etc.

Remember that it's all developmental, it's not personal. He's not naughty, he's not doing it to annoy you. Take a step back and imagine you're David Attenborough commentating on the 'common toddler' and their natural behaviour.

Try and establish a routine. There are often fewer tantrums when they know exactly what's going to happen (because it happens every day). Always give fair warning of what's happening next, they understand more than you think at this age.

Give an age appropriate choice, but don't fall into the trap of offering more and more options the more angry they are. Once simple choice if they're in reasonable mood. If not, you make the choice. This goes back to routine, if they have milk everyday at breakfast they will accept that, if you start offering milk OR juice OR a smoothie you're inviting a tantrum when one of those isn't available/isn't quite right.

Lol, this made me laugh as I was going mad the other day so turned my back and walked up the hall screaming at the top of my lungs in frustration - turned around feeling a gazillion times better, they had followed me up and thought this was absolutely so amusing.. I gave them a big smile and peace resumed..

Also, I read something which has always stuck with me about asking yourself are you engaged in a power battle in that moment and trying to win, often times it is that - like PP said above you have to stick with it if its a health or safety matter but everything else can often be let go of - if you're frazzled you're setting yourself up for disaster straight away so you really would be better getting up earlier - I find if I'm not under time pressure there are zero tantrums because I'm relaxed and something can wait a few minutes if it's not happening now, if I'm stressed everything is stressed - I remember teachers remarking once why was it that the kids always acted up when they were having a bad day, it's the exact same reason, you're reacting from a bad place so everything just goes wrong...

This may be useless to you, but for me, the most helpful thing was to remember that my toddler was absolutely normal and ALL toddlers do this - spill their drink every mealtime or refuse to put their shoes on or walk in the opposite direction to the one I wanted them to go or whatever it was.

This always made me feel much better. It made me less likely to blame myself (bad parent) or my toddler (deliberately being annoying), and instead made me think of it as an external thing that just happened and the two of us would get through it as a team. And we did! (Eventually.) I would stay calm and repeat "you have to put your shoes on or we can't go outside" until he gave in. Then we would move on together without anger.

Hang in there OP. It does get better eventually.

Everyone has given you excellent advice so I just wanted to share that I regularly give my toddler daughter a biscuit first thing on waking! Her attitude when she is just awake and super hungry is horrendous. So I give her a preemptive rich tea now. Also for when finishing nursery.

Theres the mantra 'she's not giving you a hard time she's having a hard time' that I repeat to myself and when moaning to DP I choose my words to reflect that as well to try to really make it sink in. Instead of 'ugh she's being a nightmare today' ill say (through gritted teeth) 'she was having a hard time and displaying strong emotions and I think the underlying reason was xyz' I. E. Teething or not wanting to stop watching bluey.

Mainly I lose my calm when I need a proper break myself and I'm better when I come back.

I try to turn things into a choice/let him feel he has control. And if he keeps changing his mind / Temper tantrums, I just say, "I can see you're not sure so I'll give you time to think, let me know when you're ready". He usually comes over declaring ready and which colour cup he wants. Or "ok well if you don't want water, that's ok, let me know if you change your mind". He then will say halfway through his breakfast he's ready for water now. It usually works for us.
Obviously with some things I have to push a bit more so if he's going for a plug, I say "we don't play with plugs, mummy doesn't want you to hurt yourself, let's go do...insert something else". If he tantrums I just say I'm sorry you're feeling sad but we can't play with plugs, and I'm here for a cuddle if you need it". Sometimes he takes the cuddles, sometimes he doesn't but that seems to calm him down enough to move on and do something else.

But I can find myself losing patience some days too, especially if we're rushing to leave somewhere and he just won't put his socks and shoes on. So don't beat yourself up too much! Completely normal to get frustrated. I do also apologise if I do shout and say mummy was frustrated and I shouted, I'm sorry.

No constructive advice but one thing I saw that changed my mindset regarding toddler tantrums is that they have a really limited experience of life. E.g. if they are tantrumming as if being given the wrong drink is the worst thing that has ever happened to them, it might be because it really is the worst thing to have ever happened to them because there aren't really that many things that have happened to them.
Toddlers have absolutely no perspective so give yourself and your little one a break ☺️