To ask for your strategies to not lose my shit with my toddler?

[AllTheUsernamesLeftAreShit]

I am a bit because I'm blatantly posting here in the hope of picking up traffic.

My lovely little boy is 2.5 and I have turned into shouty mum 😔 I start every day intending to be my most patient self and then fail miserably nine out of ten times. I've just lost my temper with a tantrum over his drink and shouted at him that he can just not have one with his breakfast then (he did get one though, I'm not quite that bad).

This really isn't good enough. I am quite unhappy in general but that isn't his problem. Mornings are a particular pinch point as it's such a rush to get ready and out - everything is prepared the night before as much as possible, I can't make this less busy.

What strategies do you use to remain zen in the face of toddler? Please inspire me!

Toddlers are sent to test it.

1. Remembering that they're not being little devils for the sake of it, they're going through a very normal stage in their development and figuring out who they are. They're not being that way 'at you'. They're just being that way.
2. Remember that toddlers and parents are often nature's most natural adversaries. You both have really competing and conflicting goals most of the time! You want them to get dressed and leave the house, they want to play. You want them to brush their teeth, they don't. Little things became big battlegrounds for toddlers because they have such a tiny amount of influence in most of their lives, they can't choose where to go, what to eat, you can literally pick them up and move them, they can't decide when to leave or stay at the park, they can't follow so many of their own heart's desires AND lack the understanding of the bigger picture. Life feels very unfair to a toddler much of the time.
3. Pretend you're on a nannycam being filmed. Try and be the parent that you want others to see. If you wouldn't shout at him in front of a group of strangers in Asda and can control yourself there, don't do it at home. You can control yourself in some places.
4. Look at behavioural strategy info. Big Little Feelings on insta is brilliant. It really works, it gets toddlers. Try remember always that you're the one 'in charge' and never hesitate to make the bigger decisions (for example once you have given a two minute warning to leave the park you leave, you don't let them push for more time as it makes life harder in the future and they don't learn that you mean what you say) confidently.
5. Try meet them with empathy. So many tantrums and upset moments seem to be calmed by just trying to voice what my kid is going through. He is sobbing because he wanted the red toothbrush but we got rid of it last week. Bad: shouting 'you saw us throw it out, stop crying'. Good: 'Andrew feels really sad because he wants his red toothbrush, is that right? It's okay to feel sad sweetheart, we all feel sad sometimes'. You're on the same team.
6. If things heat up too much, you can name what you're feeling, it helps them learn emotional literacy. 'Mummy's body is starting to feel a bit hot/I can feel I'm starting to feel a bit annoyed, I'm going to go and take a few breaths and come back' and move away, try take some breaths and calm down before re-engaging. If they're safe it's far better to have a moment to yourself than to snap or shout. They need to feel safe around you and like you can handle their big feelings so they can learn how to handle theirs by modelling and feel secure and safe.
7. If you do shout: apologise. Always. Get on their level. 'When Andrew did this, mummy shouted. I'm sorry darling, that was wrong of me, I shouldn't have shouted. I wonder what I can do differently next time. I know, I think I'll take a minute to breathe and calm down' or something simple. Make it right. They deserve respect even if they're behaving like little whirling dervishes.
8. Never, ever, go back on your word. Well, maybe once in a hundred times when you've realised you were wrong or something. The amount of times you see parents say stuff like 'if you don't stop that we're leaving', kid doesn't stop it cos they know their parent is full of shit, they don't leave. They don't feel safe when they realise they can't actually trust your word. A toddler would rather be upset being carried out of the park crying than realise that their boundaries aren't actually safe and you're not in charge and that if they beg enough times you'll give in.
9. Give options. e.g. this morning my toddler didn't want to stop playing and eat breakfast. So I said okay honey, I'm having my breakfast now. If you want it come find me! And went and sat down. After a couple minutes I said 'if you don't start eating within a minute or two you won't have time to eat before nursery and you'll probably be very hungry, it's up to you'. He soon came to eat, but if not? That's fine, nursery give them breakfast, he's not going to starve. But they often like to feel in control and like something is their choice.
10. Look at their hands and feet and take note of how tiny they are compared to yours. Triggers some sort of maternal/paternal 'aww, how tiny, like babies' thing in you or something!

99% of parenting is regulating your own emotions. It's so, so important. If you struggle with that then consider seeking therapy or self-help guidance for regulating and managing your emotions. It's really damaging for a child to grow up being shouted at regularly. I can't lie and say I've never shouted, I have shouted at my almost 3yr old twice in his life and I regret it massively. But kudos for realising it's becoming a problem and seeking help.

Lots of good advice above.

I love that "thank you for showing me..." line. I used "I can see this is really important to you" when I could feel myself getting into a power struggle and just wanted to diffuse it/realised that whatever the struggle was about, it just wasn't that important.

When I was going through a shouty phase I stuck loads of parenting mantras up on the walls. 'Only love today' 'Your child isn't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time' (as above) 'Be the calm in their storm' etc. It helped me to actually see them.

It's also ok to give yourself a time out! ("I'm feeling cross so I'm going to step outside for a moment and take a few breaths" - my kids now sometimes do this themselves because I've modelled it for them)

It also really helps to read up on toddler brain development and remind yourself that your child really cannot help what they are doing, and they are just totally overwhelmed. Some tantrums can be diffused with humour, some can be diffused with cuddles, and sometimes you just need to ride it out.

All that said OP, I was also very unhappy when in my shouty phase (bereavement and trauma resurfacing), and the best cure for that is doing things to make you feel generally happier. It's such a virtuous circle - when you feel good in your life, your kids pick up on it, you're less harsh, everything is easier. So are there any non parenting related changes you can make to improve things, for you?

So much this! It IS the genuine worst thing to ever happen to them.

I try remember that he's doing his absolute best with the skills and experience he possesses. And that when he's having a tantrum he's just as upset and miserable too. And that emotional expression is healthy. All feelings are acceptable and healthy in this house, not all behaviours/actions are.

99% of parenting is regulating your own emotions So true - and not something that anyone tells you beforehand.

I find it's easier if I work out what absolutely has to be done in the morning and what would be "nice to have".

Does he need to go to nursery? I have one at school, one at a CM. I enforce that they must be dressed (with clean nappy if still in nappies). DS2 always refuses to put his shoes and socks on so I don't even bother now, they go in the bag for the childminder.

Teeth are cleaned and hair is brushed. I offer breakfast every morning. If they don't eat it, they don't eat it. I let school/CM know and they'll often offer fruit etc. A brioche and a banana in the car isn't the end of the world either, take something with you in the car.

Pick your battles as much as you can, it wont avoid all arguments (impossible with a 2 year old!) but it will cut them down.

Also, whilst routine is important sometime the routine you've used in the past needs to be switched up as they get bigger. Initially I would do breakfast first (babies get mucky so I'd do food before dressing). I found I needed to switch that about to get them dressed first and then let them chill out a bit and make breakfast more relaxed.

Try to remain calm and de-escalate. Not always easy but if you can have an overview (check through the hungry/tired/hurt list of physical needs). Then empathise rather than adding to conflict so:
I don't want to put my shoes on
Don't respond you have to - it's oppositional. Respond oh dear, I suppose it does get boring putting shoes on doesn't it. Let's see if you can put them on wearing this hat or we'll put them on then decide what toy to take out or see if you can get them on before I finish walking up to you pretending to be an elephant etc etc.
Often with tantrums if you can voice what the kid is feeling, it sorts it out because a lot of the tantrum is frustration at not being able to express themselves so if they go nuts for another biscuit they can't have, say oh you want another biscuit because they're so yummy, it's hard when we can't have what we want all the time rather than I told you no so be quiet about it etc.
Notice your own breathing and body language, de-hunch your shoulders, step away for a moment if you need to compose yourself to avoid shouting.
But remember nobody's perfect and it's not bad for kids to learn that even grown ups get cross or upset sometimes.

When my son got to 2 1/2 I found I was getting into that trap of shouting. I asked loads of people for advice. Reason I was shouting was that often he was kicking and hitting me without any reason. And sometimes it actually hurts.

So I would shout and he would laugh as he gets his reaction.

My tact as at 2 1/2 they don't get reward and discipline was to say 'mummy is hurt and won't play anymore and leave the room.

Bad behaviour stopped.

Just realised I have started shouting again so need to sort myself out again

DH and I are both fairly calm people, I wouldn't say either of us are really angry or hot-tempered in general. But both of us have been pushed to our limits by our toddler. I often think how volatile a house must be if someone is already quite hot tempered/angry and then a toddler is thrown into the mix. They are experts at pushing every button. Sometimes we will just commiserate after bedtime and say 'he really pushed your buttons today' or 'he ran you pretty hard this morning!' lol. Kids are so fortunate if they have a parent that's willing to reflect on their behaviour and try make positive changes. We've all seen horrible things out and about where tiny kids are being screamed at.

Read this
www.janetlansbury.com/2012/11/tantrums-and-meltdowns-my-secret-for-staying-calm-when-my-kids-arent/
And this www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/
And everything else by the total guru Janet Lansbury! Hang in there, it is so so hard

Make sure you get enough sleep so you aren't starting the morning really tired, I find that helps but it's not always easy!
Also, follow Dr Becky Kennedy at Good Inside on Instagram, she has programmes, podcasts, a book etc too. Her advice is game changing.

Thank you all for your ideas! Some of them I things we already do, so it's nice to know I've started moving in the right direction (hopefully). I'll have a thorough read once wee man is in bed tonight and decide on some tactics to try from tomorrow. Will definitely look at the information about toddlers' emotions too!

I recommend reading Sarah Ockwell-Smith's book How to be a Calm Parent. I think you could really benefit from this.

My mantra is “it doesn’t matter” . When she won’t get up/ get dressed/ eat breakfast/brush her teeth. I repeat it to myself I till I’ve calmed down. I have brought her to nursery with no shoes etc when she won’t get ready - it’s not the end of the world. I have found though that my toddler needs 45 mins in the morning and will not be rushed! Get him up a bit earlier and take your time. When mine won’t get up I leave the room for 10 mins , I won’t engage in an argument. Same with breakfast etc.

Pick your battles, if DD refuses her breakfast, fine, I just leave it there and it gets eaten at some point. I give 2 options when possible so she has a choice - clothes, shoes, does she want me to help or not etc. The only things that are non-negotiable for me is safety (holding hands or standing on the buggy board near the road etc)

Offer a drink. If they don't want one just let it go. Don't have an argument over it. You wouldn't do it to an adult, so don't discuss it with a child.

Treat them like a work colleague. If you offer a snack and they declined do you chase after your colleague screaming at them and demanding they eat a box of raisins?

Offer lunch. If they don't want it it doesn't matter. Literally. Doesn't. Matter. You wouldn't scream at an adult, so don't scream at him. None of this shit matters.

Ask him to put his shoes on, if he doesn't, just do it yourself and leave. You won't be doing it when he's 37. Honest.

You don't yell at other people so there no need to yell at him over stuff like 'a drink.'

Work on your self regulation. Lots of resources online. This includes time to rest and enjoy yourself and good self care. Explore whether you were allowed to express ALL your emotions as a child. Get curious about why your child's behaviour is making you so angry. Identify your triggers.

When you are not triggered by tantrums, life will get so much easier.

From a practical POV, get up earlier and get EVERYTHING ready the night before.

Just to add, we've given you a lot of strategies for dealing with him, but I really hope you're taking time to care for yourself and work on your own happiness.

It's too easy to push our needs onto a back burner when we have kids, but self-care for you is also care for your DS.

If you haven't already, speak to your GP about the fact that you're unhappy.

If you can find just 15 minutes (while he naps, after he's in bed, before he gets up, while he's watching cocomelon, whatever it takes) then use it to read, or do a quick yoga stretch. Anything that you would have enjoyed pre baby. You deserve it and you both need it.

I will put some effort into working out why this is pushing my buttons so much. It is definitely a me problem!

I get everything ready the night before, get myself ready before he wakes up and get him up at least an hour and then minutes before we need to leave and do use lots of the tactics like choices. I'm not above a bit of bribery and snacks do come out on the way to nursery.

Thinking about it, it's not all tantrums. He doesn't want shoes? Fine, they go in the bag. I wouldn't have been angry about him not wanting a drink - I think it was that I was trying to do what he wanted but it was wrong. He asked for orange, but then went full pelt tantrum screaming 'not orange!' when he tasted it. I should still be able to deescalate though. I also find the delay tactics before nursery hard. I know it's because he would rather stay home with me which is lovely, but I get really stressed about missing my train and start panicking. Not an excuse, but it's been really helpful to unpick it a little bit more so I can see where I actually need to do the work

@Tomorrowisalatterday yes I do this when all else fails! I ask ds to be quiet because it is my turn to cry/complain. Then I turn on the fake waterworks. If dh or dd are around I ask if they’d like a turn at crying (usually they oblige me and fake some misery). Then I ask ds if he wants to cry again as next it’s back to his turn, and only once EVER has he resumed his tantrum because he’s usually too busy laughing at me/dh/dd. It doesn’t necessarily solve the problem but it does shut him up !

Ah yeah, we have this with the drink thing too. I end up saying "you asked for orange which is why mummy gave you it. You don't have to drink it if you don't want to". I don't get him something new, I make sure I give him long enough to decide and if he changes his mind before I've poured, I'll ask again to check but after its poured, I just say I'm sorry he's disappointed and if he doesn't want to drink it, he doesn't have to. He ends up going for it eventually 😅

The Whole brain child is a good book for understanding things developmentally which helps

Follow Mr Chazz on Instagram. He does an amazing job of explaining why you shouldn't shout at toddlers, and how to interact with them positively.

Just wanted to say thanks for the useful suggestions on this thread! We've had a much better week, have been a lot happier and found it much easier to enjoy one another's company. I'm not perfect, but this has really helped. Big little feelings is particularly amazing!

I'm so pleased for you! I hope it continues in this vein, but don't despair when he has another bad week. He will, because he's a kid, but you'll get through it. Just keep trying out these ideas and keep looking after yourself.