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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in law issues

48 replies

Leosmumma · 01/09/2022 13:20

On one level I know I am being unreasonable but could do with opinions and advice here.
Ever since my LO was born in March my MIL has kept at us about a dummy, LO wouldn't be crying if they had a dummy blah blah blah, literally every single time she seen him. We didn't give a dummy and are now 6 months down the line and still no dummy, we have learned to soothe our LO in other ways, personal choice. I'm positive she tried to give LO a dummy when I was at an appointment one day.
Also from the beginning when my LO was only a few weeks old she kept going on about taking him for a walk etc and it really got to me that she wanted to take my baby away from me while I was trying to establish breastfeeding and recovering from a bad labour and c section.
Anyways, DH eventually had a go at her and the dummy mentioning has stopped now, but it is kind of like the damage has already been done, she made me not want to go see her or be available when she just decided to stop by, and that has continued to this day. I do plan for her to look after LO for one day a week next year but I am still struggling with anxiety at the thought of it. Surely she wouldn't try and give a 6 month old a dummy now?

Anyway just looking for some help or advice to get over this. I also don't like leaving LO with my own parents so not just a MIL issue. If anyone else has experienced similar I would love to hear how you coped.

OP posts:

PainsandAches · 01/09/2022 13:22

You're being a bit PFB on this

So what she asked about taking the baby out for a walk? Most grandparents do this in the early days.

And the dummy is most likely coming from a place of trying to help

vdbfamily · 01/09/2022 13:24

I have said YABU purely on the basis that by next year you want MIL to provide a day a week of childcare, so on that basis, she should be binding as much as she can. If she had stopped mentioning the dummy them that is no longer an issue.

girlmom21 · 01/09/2022 13:27

You either trust her with the baby or you don't.
It sounds like she's provided childcare previously and you want her to provide regular childcare. You need to let her do that her way to an extent. You can't control everything.

If you don't trust her find alternative childcare.

Original poster

Leosmumma · 01/09/2022 13:31

She watched LO for a few hours while I had a doctor's appointment, I had my own mother watch LO a few weeks before for a dentist appointment so it was to keep it equal in a sense, I haven't had either of them watch LO since as I haven't been anywhere else.
Regular childcare is still 6 months away, so I want to try working on this beforehand so looking for some advice.

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Original poster

Leosmumma · 01/09/2022 13:32

I will add that the childcare aspect would be my mother one day, MIL one day and nursery for two days.

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WhenISnappedAndFarted · 01/09/2022 13:33

You either trust her with your child and to follow your wishes regarding the dummy or you don't. If you don't you're going to have to find other childcare.

I think you are being a bit PFB with her talking baby out for a walk.

Cheeseonbeans · 01/09/2022 13:34

You either trust her or you don't

I will also say if she is looking after your child for a day a week it will be up to her on how to keep herself sane for that day

I've never been a fan of dummies but if my mum was looking after DD and she wouldn't stop crying, she could do what needed to be done (dummy) to stop it

You're unreasonable to think you get to make all the calls if someone else is doing the care

Original poster

Leosmumma · 01/09/2022 13:34

I actually wouldn't mind LO going into nursery for childcare as will be for 2 days a week anyway, my mother and MIL providing childcare is actually to make sure they have a relationship with LO, hence why I am looking for advice to move passed this.

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SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 01/09/2022 13:35

I agree that if you don't trust her then don't rely on her for childcare.
It genuinely sounds like she is trying to be helpful. Would you feel the same way if it was your mum offering to take baby for a walk or making suggestions?

I found my MIL a bit much when I first had DS but then I kept trying to remember that how I felt about my DS was how MIL felt about my DH. I would hope that when DS is old enough to start his own family, I won't be excluded or distrusted purely because I'm the males mother.

My DB and SIL hardly ever let my DM be included in their DDs first year but suddenly expected her to do childcare when SIL went back to work. Their DD didn't have a proper relationship with my DM so was really unsettled and it was a disaster. They've proper shot themselves in the foot now as their DD won't be away from them.

luxxlisbon · 01/09/2022 13:36

I see quite a lot of posts like this and I really don’t understand why people take such offence.
My aunt frequently suggested a dummy in the early days when my cousin had a baby, she had raised multiple children and was trying to help her daughter have an easier life with her baby.
As it was, cousin was quiet against dummies for unknown reasons and her baby struggled to be comforted in other ways and never learned to self sooth/ self settle to sleep.
A year or so down the line my cousins wished she has just listen to her mum and realised she was actually just offering advice based on lots of experience with babies.

I think you’re being a bit dramatic to say the damage is done and your relationship with MIL can’t recover because she suggested a dummy and wanted to take the baby for a walk. Your baby having a bond with other people doesn’t diminish your own, you’ll probably find soon you would love MIL to take it the baby for a few hours so you can get a break but if you don’t help foster the relationship it won’t be there.

doodleygirl · 01/09/2022 13:37

Just take a read of your thread and then have a giggle to yourself at how ridiculous it is. Find something bigger to be annoyed about.

PeekAtYou · 01/09/2022 13:37

Use nursery or a childminder if you don't trust MIL and your mother. You can't assume that she won't offer a dummy or other things that you'd rather MIL not offer eg chocolate but with paid childcare you will have more control.

Original poster

Leosmumma · 01/09/2022 13:37

I actually am the same with my own mother, never tried to take LO away at a few weeks old, but does keep making suggestions and doing things that are irritating.

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XmasElf10 · 01/09/2022 13:39

It’s a bit scary losing control (not meant in a negative way) of your baby. Each step is hard. Mine goes to Secondary in September and I still worry that she won’t be allowed to pre when she needs to or won’t eat enough or find friends…. It’s scary!!! I’m sure your MIL can keep your baby healthy and entertained - she raised your DH and he must have turned out ok as you married him! Try to chill and trust that she’s not out to harm you or your baby and she’ll be a great grandparent!

HOTHotPeppers · 01/09/2022 13:41

I wouldn't worry about the dummy, I tried to give my DC one at 6 months out of desperation and she had no idea what to do with it. I think you just need to try and put it behind you and move on. She was an excited Grandma. Fine to not want to leave your DC yet, I didn't at that age. Unfortunately I can't trust either set of Grandparents with my DC so I have to put her in nursery whilst working, costing me £60 a day. You just have to decide what is best for your family.

Original poster

Leosmumma · 01/09/2022 13:41

I would like to state that I did say at the start of my post that I'm aware of being unreasonable, and that at the end I am looking for opinions AND advice. There seems to be alot of opinions and not much in the way of advice so far.

I am trying to put myself out there to all you strangers so that I can do better, being told how small my problems are is not helpful in the slightest.

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Original poster

Leosmumma · 01/09/2022 13:43

Thank you, that is actually helpful.

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girlmom21 · 01/09/2022 13:45

The only way you can get past this IME is my lowering your expectations and allowing people a little more freedom with the baby.

It's really hard but when visit your parents or your PIL and let them take over. Use it as a break rather than worrying about whether they're giving the baby too much formula (I know that's not something you're worried about - but an example).

Original poster

Leosmumma · 01/09/2022 13:46

I appreciate this, thank you for your reply.

OP posts:

HoppingPavlova · 01/09/2022 13:48

she made me not want to go see her or be available when she just decided to stop by, and that has continued to this day. I do plan for her to look after LO for one day a week next year

Those two sentences don’t really work together, do they?

You can’t use someone for childcare when you don’t want to go see them or be available for them to see you/baby. How on earth do you think a baby can be comfortable being left with them for a day if they don’t see them, have 1:1 time in the year leading up to this? I’d definitely expect frequent contact and 1:1 if someone was planning to leave their child one day a week with me.

Your option to solve this is to use an extra day of paid childcare.

Flossiemoss · 01/09/2022 13:50

It’s the prerogative of mothers and mother in laws to make unhelpful suggestions by the minute. They get a bit excited.
my own mother has been known to start a phone call with one piece of advice and finished the call with a contradictory piece of advice.

overall your dm and dmil sound ok- they haven’t tried to do anything batshit . Try taking the edge off how irritating it is by mentally playing advice bingo and have a giggle with dh about it later.

They’ll lose interest in the dummy once lo starts weaning and each tries to be the first to introduce chocolate as the first food…

Stickworm · 01/09/2022 13:50

I would let it go now. She meant well albeit being pushy and annoying. To be honest even if she tried to give him one now it’s highly unlikely a 6+ month old would take one after all this time without.

Overanxiousmummy · 01/09/2022 13:51

I don't think it is that you are being unreasonable but you are understandably anxious and this has been exacerbated by experience with MIL in early days.
I have been similar and then I broke my ankle when baby was 11mo and have had no choice but to accept help from FIL and parents. I found parents easier as they follow my routine but with FIL he tends to do his own thing a little bit more. Baby is fine though and I have relaxed a bit and it has actually been good for me. Not suggesting you break your ankle obviously, but maybe start with little walks with GPs and work your way up and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Original poster

Leosmumma · 01/09/2022 13:52

This gave me a chuckle about the chocolate, thank you 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Leosmumma · 01/09/2022 13:54

This made me laugh, glad you aren't suggesting I break my ankle 😂 thank you for your reply.

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