Mother in law issues

I mean this in the nicest way possible, you need to let it go.

She was annoying and pushy, as lots of mothers and MIL can be, but holding a grudge over something so minor will do nothing for your relationship or her relationship with her grandchild. You're being a little PFB about not wanting to leave the baby, there comes a point when you have to accept as a mother that you don't get to spend every waking second with your child. Even if you think you want to. It's not good for you, and it's certainly not good for your baby!

Just to add my MIL kept telling me to leave my first newborn to cry as it’s good for her lungs and the second she didn’t like the bedside cot we bought so came armed with a crib the day I got back from hospital! My husband made her take it back 😅 5.5 years on from the first and 2 years on from the second I have the most wonderful relationship with her as do the children.

I think you’re getting a hard time here, YANBU for not wanting someone banging on at you constantly about dummies if you decided against them. Each to their own, you made your choice and others should respect that. In those early days, we feel vulnerable and constant nagging to do things differently can make us feel inadequate even if that’s not how it’s intended.

the early days of Bf are hard to establish and I wouldn’t have wanted my baby taken for walks either. Those who offered to actually do what my baby and I needed to help us bond etc rather than prioritise themselves and what they wanted are those that have actually built the best relationships with my DD.

the childcare is a different issue, and only you know whether this has affected your relationship to the point where you no longer trust her, but also whether you can realistically afford additional paid childcare in the current Financial Times.

be kind to yourself, your feelings are totally valid because they’re yours, no one else can tell you how to feel.

Well, you know what you are doing is unreasonable so stop doing it?

Before I started having my DGD for full days (when my DD went back to work, there were occasions when her shifts clashed with her DH's), my DD visited with her, and then went out and ran some errands so that DGD got used to being alone with me. Likewise I would take her out for a walk or to the library or something. We extended the times gradualay and she was fine.

I was a dummy hater before I had my first, but when she was inconsolable or colicky, only my boob would do. The HV suggested a dummy, and it transformed DD's quality of life. So yes, I tentatively suggested it a couple of times to my other DD and mother of my DGD. She didn't take up the suggestion, but she doesn't seem to have been annoyed with me suggesting it more than once.

It's really hard because I think when you're in that pretty vulnerable / hormonal state it's easy to feel threatened or uneasy about people being around your new precious baby. I was in a similar situation, but after the baby turned one I realised I needed to snap out of it. The baby was less vulnerable, more robust etc and whilst I didn't need my MIL for childcare I knew it was good for their relationship to spend time together. So I gradually did things that I could push myself to feel comfortable with. First, could she come round and watch the baby while I had a KIT day meeting/I did some DIY/caught up with unpacking post house move etc. So I knew I was always here and could hear what was going on. It was hard at first! But then I pushed on to could the baby go out with PIL for a walk to the beach for an hour and we would meet them there for lunch/dinner/a drink. I would invite them to join us for afternoons out to the park or similar so I could see how they managed for longer periods. Now DD is 2 and they happily all go out for a morning or afternoon together without us and love it! Any longer than that, or overnight stays/evening babysitting are not appropriate at the moment in our situation due to physical/medical needs but we've reached a nice sweet spot! And whilst I don't think I was BU in the newborn days (MIL was v OTT) I do recognise that times move on and my child is older now and I want her to have a relationship with her GPS.

Surely neither GM needs to do childcare to form a bond?

Trust me, as someone whoes mother in law has recently passed away. She helped me so much with child care, school runs etc. So many times i got annoyed over things that seemed so important at the time but are nothing now. She loved them, and they loved her. And she wanted to spoil them and love them and that is the greatest gift another can give your LO. Bite your lip while you try to hold boundaries as much as possible but also let things go.

OP, even she does give your baby a dummy, it's going to be one day a week only and won't do the slightest harm to your baby. Also, chances are your baby won't be bothered about it anyway if they've not had one up until now. But honestly, I doubt your MIL will do this now that your DH has spoken to her about it.

With the offers to take your baby for a walk etc, I'm sure she absolutely didn't want to take your baby away from you or disrupt your breastfeeding/bonding/recovery. I know it probably felt that way to you because you'd just given birth and didn't want LO to be out of your sight, but to her, it probably just felt like a normal thing to ask and from your point of view, even a chance to give you a break and some rest. I completely get why you didn't like it and why it made you anxious, but I think you're projecting a motive on to your MIL that wasn't actually there.

If you plan for her to look after your LO for a day per week next year, you really need to stop avoiding her when she wants to drop by and see you and LO. She's the baby's grandma and she's done absolutely nothing to harm them, and if she is going to do weekly childcare then the more your LO sees of her and gets used to her, the better. Yes, she's of a different generation and yes, she might have different ideas on some elements of baby care to yours for that reason, but honestly, that isn't the end of the world and your LO will be completely unscathed by these things. They're really, really minor issues, so I think you do need to work on your anxiety, maybe with a bit of help from a counsellor if possible? It sounds like you had a difficult time immediately post-partum and maybe that's still affecting you. It was pretty recently that you gave birth and I think maybe your emotions/hormones etc are still all over the place.

My MIL absolutely loves pushing the pram. Makes her feel so proud. I am mature enough to know that it is just that, that she likes it, and she is proud granny. She is not 'snatching my baby away'/ 'taking a baby away from its mother' as though he was some puppy from a puppy farm - she just likes being the proud granny pushing the pram! I said have a great time, washed my hair, unloaded the dishwasher and had a cup of tea! Everyone's happy! No need for dramas.

There will be so many women on here who will tell you their mothers and in laws who are not interested at all.. we have all read the threads and it seems so sad that they are like this. Just listen to the advice they give I am sure it comes from a good place and then disregard at will :)

I really sympathise. My child is 1 now but my mil constantly tried to take my baby away from me when very young and trying to bf. I think people forget what it's like during the first few months, when you don't want baby away. And about the dummy, definitely good saying early on what you do and don't want. Your mil has had her chance to be a parent, its ur turn now. I'd just see how the next 6 months go, if she is very keen to mind ur child she will hopefully realise she has to respect the parents.

YABU for using term LO Yuk.

It helped me to imagine what I wanted my child’s future to be like. For example, did I want them to grow up in a loving home with great and close relationships with their grandparents, aunties and uncles. The answer is obviously yes and so I do go out of my way to try and facilitate these relationships by letting the grandparents take them to the park, the zoo, swimming - whatever they want. My little boy is one now and it is wonderful to see him light up around my MIL and my own mum. They don’t do things the way I would but as long as your baby is not being harmed, I would just try and let it go. If they are both having your LO for one day a week I would start to build up to that now. Try asking them to have them for a couple of hours each week and I promise you, you will begin to enjoy that time alone 😅

the dummy mentioning has stopped now, but it is kind of like the damage has already been done, she made me not want to go see her or be available when she just decided to stop by, and that has continued to this day.

That's incredibly unfair you know. You've made a mountain out of a molehill. Your child's grandparents will love and protect your child more than anyone else. It's such a powerful instinct that I didn't even begin to understand when i was a new mum. The day my DD went into labour it hit me so strongly, and I would die for my DGD without a thought. The instinctive connection is built into us, in the same way that the maternal one is. I honestly never knew that until it happened.

Taking a new DGD for a walk, being responsible for them briefly...it's part of what GMs have done through time immemorial. A family isn't just the mother, father and child. We all belong and the next generation is part of the wider family.

My DD is her mum, and I work hard not to overstep. DGC isn't my child. But she's family, and my genes are part of her. Her auntie and I will always love her and have her back.

I look back at photos of my late MIL playing with my girls when they were little, or holding them as babies, I see the love in her eyes and it means something entirely different to me now, and I feel a connection with her, too.

TLDR version - your LO needs their GPs and will love them. Your MIL and your mum adore your LO. Don't be mean over a bit of unwanted advice. Get help for your anxiety.

This is a lovely post and very true.

You say she's stopped mentioning dummies after she was told not to mention them again. So what's the problem? You're never going to find someone who has the exact same parenting style, so if someone else is looking after your baby there will be differences in opinion. As your baby's mother, it's up to you to tell the person providing the childcare your expectations. It sounds like she's been receptive to the dummy thing so surely there is no issue here?

Asking to take the baby for a walk seems relatively normal. I understand why you didn't want to take her up on the offer, I was the same with my baby. But I'm just struggling to see the issue here. You said no, and so she didn't take the baby for a walk. No problems.

None of this is "Help" if after being told no, you continue to push for it

I think it all comes from a place of love. I’ve struggled a lot with my MIL since having my almost 1 year old, but I try and see the interfering as her just trying to help.

we have the same with pre-made bottles, she mentions it every time we see her even though I’ve said I’m happy making them fresh.

i love her to bits but she does get on my nerves


hang in there 😂😂

Huh?? Everyone uses that term here...

I think you are being unreasonable.

Why use either set of grandparents for childcare if you're not happy with one and you are trying to do it to balance out how often they see their grandchild? That's really taking the proverbial.

Let the grandparents be the grandparents and don't use either set for regular childcare. They are more likely to be open to being available in an emergency if they aren't being used on a regular basis. If you also have issues around a dummy and bringing their grandchild out for walks now, what will you be like when they would be looking after their grandchild for a full day without your involvement? You'd have rules and regulations aplenty and they will tend to ignore the ones they want to anyway (I've seen so many threads on MN about that topic alone).

Best to put the child into childcare for as many days as you need to for whatever work you'll be going back to and then visit the grandparents to build the bonds that way.

That's my opinion - it might be unpopular but it's my take on your situation.