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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Don't tell me how to look after my own kids" did I speak out of turn?aibu?

31 replies

oceandrives · 10/08/2022 13:37

My friend is currently on holiday down south at the seaside.
She has taken her two kids 6 and 11.
She was at the beach all day yesterday and it was around 28degrees from 9-6 pm
She rang me saying she was having a great holiday and laughing that the youngest was freezing and walking around wrapped up in his dressing gown and coat and saying he felt sick.
She was saying "oh he is such a old man...slippers and dressing gown"
I said it could be sunstroke and she should give him some cool drinks and a cool flannel on his head.
Then she said he was fine and she had to wake him up or he wouldn't sleep tonight so she sent him out to play in his coat.

Today she rings and she's back at the beach again
I said "oh god I would try and keep him out of the sun as much as possible "

She snapped "it's my child mind your own"

Was I speaking out of turn ?

OP posts:
Original poster
oceandrives · 10/08/2022 13:38

I mean she's put pics on Facebook and he is running around so he must be okay
I was just being cautious I think but I didn't say anything too bad did I ?

OP posts:
Staynow · 10/08/2022 13:39

No you're fine, some people are just really defensive about their parenting (often the worst parents I find).

Ponoka7 · 10/08/2022 13:41

You should have asked how he was, not given unasked for advice. You were implying that you knew from a difference, better than her, their mother, who is with the boy.

LadyKenya · 10/08/2022 13:41

I know it is besides the point, but I am wondering why she is ringing you up instead of just getting on with her holiday.

GettingStuffed · 10/08/2022 13:43

She's obviously unaware of the signs of sunstroke you told ger, she's decided that telling her this is you attacking her parenting

Grapewrath · 10/08/2022 13:52

It sounded like you gave her your opinion yesterday and she didn’t take it on board or seem to think that your opinion was important, so I think you should had read the situation better this morning before giving her advice today.

monsterastuckiosa · 10/08/2022 14:03

General rule of thumb / fact of life: unsolicited advice rarely goes down well.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/08/2022 14:16

If she had a brain she'd be wondering why her child was cold in the heat? I wouldn't take any more of her calls whilst she's away.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/08/2022 14:49

"... 28degrees ... the youngest was freezing and walking around wrapped up in his dressing gown and coat and saying he felt sick"
And it never occurred to her that it is not normal to feel cold in 28degrees?

10HailMarys · 10/08/2022 15:09

I agree that if he really was cold and feeling sick on a day as hot as that, he was obviously not very well, but it could just have easily been any mild bug or something rather than sunstroke and it appears that he's perked up now so probably no harm done.

I suspect that she was exaggerating a bit the previous day for comic effect and then maybe felt you were being a bit of a voice of doom in response to something that wasn't really as big a deal as you were imagining from her description.

I think saying 'Sounds like he's not very well - might be worth looking up sunstroke, if he was out at the beach all day' is one thing. But then to mention it again the next day could seem patronising. She's there with him, you're not, and she has an older child too so this isn't her first rodeo. But it depends on your relationship with her in general really, in terms of what you typically would and wouldn't say to one another normally. Is her relationship with you a bit suffocating? Phoning you every day from her holiday is a bit much, no?

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 10/08/2022 15:10

It's always the bad parents who don't like to hear they're doing something wrong. If she didn't need the advice she'd have kept him indoors or sought medical advice. Clearly she has no idea how to keep him safe. You did the right thing

Arbesque · 10/08/2022 15:23

She sounds useless and clueless. She woke up a childhood was obviously not well and sent him out to play?
That poor child.

Marvellousmadness · 10/08/2022 16:00

I would have told you to mind your business too op.
Maybe not on the day the kid was sick. But the day after? You were patronising AF

Dancingwithhyenas · 10/08/2022 16:14

I think you overstepped. She is with her child, presumably she knows how he is doing. He could have been cold from being in the sea. I would have been silently irritated.

AmyDudley · 10/08/2022 16:19

I would much rather offend a friend than feel a child might be unsafe or unwell and do nothing about it. The child was obviously unwell yesterday but she woke him up and sent him out to play in a coat ? In what parallel universe does it no occur to someone that if a six year old says they are freezing on a very hot day and feels sick, then all is not well. Sick child takes priority in my book over useless friend.

Sartre · 10/08/2022 16:24

She sounds a bit dim tbh.

1FootInTheRave · 10/08/2022 16:26

She's an idiot.

Poor kid.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/08/2022 16:29

Marvellousmadness · 10/08/2022 16:00

I would have told you to mind your business too op.
Maybe not on the day the kid was sick. But the day after? You were patronising AF

Yes, far, far better to be as 'negligent as fuck' instead. Much better.

No mother with a functioning brain cell, or even one who gives a damn, would think it normal for their child to be cold on a hot day. Poor child.

despairingdonut · 10/08/2022 16:29

Well yes it wasn't really any of your business

LaingsAcidTab · 10/08/2022 16:49

When it's a matter of potential heat stroke (and those are the initial symptoms), then fuck it being none of your business. It is your business to tell her. She doesn't have to respond well to it, but telling her is the only responsible thing to do with something that can be life-threatening.

Maireas · 10/08/2022 16:54

LadyKenya · 10/08/2022 13:41

I know it is besides the point, but I am wondering why she is ringing you up instead of just getting on with her holiday.

Yes, that was my question. Most odd.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 10/08/2022 16:55

As a general rule, people don't like being given unsolicited advice.

glamourousindierockandroll · 10/08/2022 17:03

My children both were shivering when they came out of their shaded paddling pool earlier and couldn't wait to get their wet swimsuits off and towels wrapped round them.

I don't think they have heatstroke.

Unless your friend is usually a moron, I would have expected her to judge the context and decide whether it was alarming. Bringing it up again the next day makes it seem like you are more confident in your judgement, made over the phone, than the judgement of this boy's own mother who is right there with him. I'd have been annoyed at you as well.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/08/2022 17:09

Those posters extrapolating that their children are cold ^coming out from the pool/sea*... where did OP say that this was the case in the instance she's given? She didn't.

Do your children 'feel sick' having come out the sea/pool?

Why overlay your anecdotes when they're not comparable?

PerfectRun · 10/08/2022 17:18

I'm also thinking the whole relationship seems odd if she's ringing you everyday on holiday.

I'd have been put out if you'd tried to tell me I wasn't caring for my child who was happily outside playing too.