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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband has been unfaithful?

42 replies

thenewduchessoflapland · 05/08/2022 17:46

Has my husband been unfaithful?

To explain the situation.

We're a couple in late 30's/early 40's.Have been together since 16/18.No other sexual partners.

Last year I had a smear test that showed I had HPV.First time this has shown on a smear test since I have been having them.I've always been faithful to my DH.He swears he's never been unfaithful.

Anyway I've a year on had a repeat smear which is standard when a positive HPV result has been detected.I mentioned to the nurse that I'm perplexed at how I contracted it to which she said "oh it can lay dormant for anywhere up to 15 years and you may have contracted it from a previous partner to which I replied I've been with DH for over 20 years.

The thing is my DH is capable of lying to me;he has form for it,he can be very irresponsible,he doesn't like condoms and if he's been unfaithful he's very likely not used one and we went through a very rough patch pre lockdown where he was spending a lot of time staying over on his days off at a friends house in another county,disappearing communication wise for up to 24 hours and behaving very badly towards me as if he was comparing me to someone else.

During this time I did opening ask him if he was cheating and he was adamant he hadn't.

Am I being ridiculous?,is there another way I could have contracted HPV without it being sexually transmitted;can it be something that can develop or am I being stupid?

OP posts:
xogossipgirlxo · 05/08/2022 17:50

One of my smear tests also was indicating hpv and other one wasn’t. Doctor insists there’s no chance the first one was wrong, but it was many many years ago and other tests were fine :| How was your second test?

Original poster
thenewduchessoflapland · 05/08/2022 17:52

xogossipgirlxo · 05/08/2022 17:50

One of my smear tests also was indicating hpv and other one wasn’t. Doctor insists there’s no chance the first one was wrong, but it was many many years ago and other tests were fine :| How was your second test?

I'm waiting on the results

OP posts:
georgarina · 05/08/2022 17:53

Sorry, it sounds like he has been unfaithful especially with your backstory.

This happened to my mum and my aunt when their husbands were unfaithful.

alwaysfactor50 · 05/08/2022 17:55

It does lie dormant years so could he have had a dalliance when you were young that you didn't know about?

lOPAS · 05/08/2022 17:57

Mostly likely he's cheated OP. I'm sorry.

MintyGreenDream · 05/08/2022 17:57

Hpv isnt a std like chlamydia or anything its something that a lot of people get.

Original poster
thenewduchessoflapland · 05/08/2022 18:04

MintyGreenDream · 05/08/2022 17:57

Hpv isnt a std like chlamydia or anything its something that a lot of people get.

All the information I've found is that you can only contract it via sexual contact with an infected person;that why I've asked if it can develop on it's own.Do you know if it can?

OP posts:
SouperNoodle · 05/08/2022 18:06

With what you've said about him previously disappearing a lot, it sounds like he's strayed

Namechangenoidea · 05/08/2022 18:17

Well one of you have had sex with someone else if it wasn’t you it must be him. He’s lied to you at some point he either wasn’t a virgin and he caught it but it stayed dormant in him for a while then you caught it or he’s cheated.

dearhummingbirds · 05/08/2022 18:22

Had your DP done anything else other than sex prior to you two being together? Such as oral? You don’t have to have to penetrative sex to get it.

IncompleteSenten · 05/08/2022 18:23

Posted too soon.
Either he was intimate with at least one person before you, or he has been unfaithful to you.

takemetomars · 05/08/2022 18:30

I think the HPV is a bit of a red herring. It can lay dormant for longer than that but your Dh does not sound trustworthy

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/08/2022 18:33

takemetomars · 05/08/2022 18:30

I think the HPV is a bit of a red herring. It can lay dormant for longer than that but your Dh does not sound trustworthy

Totally agree. Forget about the HPV. You've said he's capable of lying. Surely that's the point. Why are you with someone who lies to you?

abblie · 05/08/2022 18:35

Make him to a test

CallOnMe · 05/08/2022 18:40

It may not be that he was unfaithful.

He may have had a fumble or sex with someone before he got with you.

How does he say you caught it?

GOATtheAcronym · 05/08/2022 19:31

abblie · 05/08/2022 18:35

Make him to a test

There is no male hpv test. Not that a test would prove anything anyway as he could've caught it from her.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 05/08/2022 19:56

I had a smear with hpv about 5 years ago. I've been with my DH for 20 years and he has definitely never cheated so I would've had to have it very close to the beginning of our relationship. Maybe it's longer than that as I was in another relationship for 2 and a half years before that and he was a virgin when we went out. So I don't think that can be conclusive.

Original poster
thenewduchessoflapland · 05/08/2022 21:05

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 05/08/2022 19:56

I had a smear with hpv about 5 years ago. I've been with my DH for 20 years and he has definitely never cheated so I would've had to have it very close to the beginning of our relationship. Maybe it's longer than that as I was in another relationship for 2 and a half years before that and he was a virgin when we went out. So I don't think that can be conclusive.

Thank you for that;that's actually reassuring;I had oral sex once with a boyfriend that I had prior to meeting DH;it's a possibility then I could have contracted it then,given how long you've been with your DH having it for 20+ years is possible.

OP posts:
abblie · 05/08/2022 21:15

GOATtheAcronym · 05/08/2022 19:31

There is no male hpv test. Not that a test would prove anything anyway as he could've caught it from her.

Show quote history

I never knew this 😳 how do men find out if they do?? Or do they just rely on women they have slept with to tell them

Staynow · 05/08/2022 21:22

Not saying he hasn't cheated as he behaviour sounds very dubious but....
www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a19929167/hpv-without-having-sex/

Topgub · 05/08/2022 21:28

So given that you said you'd had no other sexual partners but you have, I presume he's the same

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 05/08/2022 22:20

@thenewduchessoflapland I'd never tested positive for it previously but they did say it can lie dormant for years and in my last smear it was negative as well

xogossipgirlxo · 05/08/2022 23:31

thenewduchessoflapland · 05/08/2022 21:05

Thank you for that;that's actually reassuring;I had oral sex once with a boyfriend that I had prior to meeting DH;it's a possibility then I could have contracted it then,given how long you've been with your DH having it for 20+ years is possible.

Show quote history

Maybe I will reassure you too, because my smear test showed hpv signs when I was a virgin😂 I don’t know how come they can be wrong? I test privately every year and it’s always fine! All clear

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2022 23:37

I had oral sex once with a boyfriend that I had prior to meeting DH

You started this thread saying you've had "no other sexual partners." That's not true.

Your husband also sounds extremely untrustworthy. Lots of red flags.