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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Newly separated - husband wants to take kid to new girlfriend house for the night

55 replies

Mummybear888 · 17/06/2022 09:51

My husband and I separated 4 months ago and we are still living together. He started dating a girl 1.5 months ago and my 5 year old met her for the first time last week. He wants to take our kid to the new girlfriend's house to spend the night. I haven't met her yet.

What do you all think? I am still in two minds.

OP posts:

sanityisamyth · 17/06/2022 09:52

Similar issues here. My solicitor said no ...

HSKAT · 17/06/2022 09:53

I wouldn't allow it

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/06/2022 09:54

You may never meet her. It would be up to her. I wouldn’t be happy about this, he’s going at breakneck speed which is ridiculous. But you’re equal parents to your child and neither can veto who the other, or your child, spends time with. Ask him what the blinding hurry is but if you pretend you don’t care he might be less interested in rushing things to show how fast he’s moved on.

DenholmElliot1 · 17/06/2022 09:54

I think it sounds horribly confusing for the kid and she doesn't sound like a decent person to be honest. It takes a special kind of woman to date and sleep with a man who still lives with his wife, I mean, would you?

ChairPose9to5 · 17/06/2022 09:56

I wouldn't like it. I am a single mother and my DC are teens now but I still remember how i felt sending them off. It's tough.
Was there violence or abuse?

I know you have to accept it all blah blah blah but four months is very fresh. It takes a lot longer than four months to get over something painful and I feel he's pushing you to accept something that is painful.

The normal predictable response to all of this is to be hurt and conflicted imo, so don't be shamed in to having no reaction to this.

If you allow it, you're a strong person because anybody no matter how resilient they are would have a conflicted uncomfortable reaction to this.

luxxlisbon · 17/06/2022 09:58

I’m surprised you are even considering it to be honest. This would be crazy for either parent to do imo. There is absolutely no need for young children to sleep overnight with an adult they barely know, never mind a new fling.

ChairPose9to5 · 17/06/2022 09:58

It's so unnecessary as well, if your H still lives with you then he can see her at home.

I missed that detail sorry. I would say no

He is being ridiculous, or trying to persuade her that you have split up

Crunchingleaf · 17/06/2022 10:11

I know there will be posters saying your child is just as much his child as yours and your equal parents and you have no right to say no. However, a parent needs to see this from the perspective of a child. Does your child understand that your now separated and daddy has a new GF. Your child needs support though the separation and upcoming changes in their life. At some point one or both of ye will have to move out which is a big adjustment for your child.
Myself and my ex agree on very little but we did agree that DS should only ever be introduced to serious partners that we were planning a future with as we both thought that would be best for DS.
I wouldn’t worry too much about not meeting the GF. My husband has never met my Ex. You don’t get any say in how you Ex lives his life but it’s important to try and agree on what is best for your child.

Blossomtoes · 17/06/2022 10:14

HSKAT · 17/06/2022 09:53

I wouldn't allow it

Unfortunately you’d have no choice.

ProudThrilledHappy · 17/06/2022 10:14

6 weeks is a ridiculously early time to introduce children to a new partner, newly divorced or not. I would say no to this.

Seraphinesupport · 17/06/2022 10:16

NO WAY!

You should never introduce your kids to a new partner before 6 months, before that is very confusing for them.

Justtobeclear · 17/06/2022 10:52

YANBU thinking this is ridiculous and selfish of him. However, as you are separated, he will be able to do as he wishes when on “his time” and you won’t even have the right to know what he’s doing/where he goes with dc. The hard part is getting used to not having a say but it’s unfortunately something you will need to get used to.

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 17/06/2022 10:55

Not your business... Your dh can take dc to meet anyone he wants. And stay anywhere he seems safe. He is her parent and has as much say as you.

Would you let him vet your friends etc?

Ringo62 · 17/06/2022 10:58

As hard as it is you can’t stop him, let him make his own decisions. Your solicitor isn’t above the law.

A580Hojas · 17/06/2022 10:58

You can't do anything to stop it and he's already introduced her to this woman he's been seeing for 6 weeks! What a spectacular dick-head. Aren't you relieved to be separated from someone so stupid?

Is there anything you can do to speed up so that you don't have to live with him any more? .

ChairPose9to5 · 17/06/2022 11:00

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 17/06/2022 10:55

Not your business... Your dh can take dc to meet anyone he wants. And stay anywhere he seems safe. He is her parent and has as much say as you.

Would you let him vet your friends etc?

Did you notice that he lives in the same house as his child? He hasn't moved out.. So he doesn't need to be allowed to see his child. He sees her every day.

This expedition to a girlfriend's house would be an unnecessary display of her father's love life. No 5 year old needs that. So it is the mother's business.

RedWingBoots · 17/06/2022 11:01

HSKAT · 17/06/2022 09:53

I wouldn't allow it

And you would stop him how?

If he has parental responsibility unless is new partner is a known child abuser or has to report every new relationship they have to their probation officer/the police then there is nothing you can do.

RedWingBoots · 17/06/2022 11:01

sanityisamyth · 17/06/2022 09:52

Similar issues here. My solicitor said no ...

Your solicitor can say what they like they aren't a judge.

People who are getting divorced frequently use their solicitor to bully and harass the other party.

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 17/06/2022 11:02

How is op allowed to stop him taking his own dc out?

Youseethethingis1 · 17/06/2022 11:03

DHs ex didn't even know I existed until we had been dating over 6 months, it was over year before he started prepping her for DSD meeting me and we eventually met at the 2 year mark, even though ex was still saying it was too soon 🙄. The sort of fuckwittery you are describing is just so stupid and unnecessary. They should still be at the swinging from the chandeliers stage, why on earth do they want to stir a probably quite confused young child in to the mix?

Hiphophippityskip1 · 17/06/2022 11:03

So he is having his cake and eating it. What do you get out of this relationship? If he stays over and is confident enough that this woman is important enough to introduce his child to then he can sod off and live with her then you can negotiate your daughter staying over

audweb · 17/06/2022 11:06

There’s no need if you are still living together. How will your child process this? If you were living apart I’d say it’s none of your business, but does your child even understand you are separated? Does she think dad has you and a girlfriend? I can’t even begin to imagine how confusing this is for her. I was separated for months while still living with her dad, neither of us would have introduced anyone new at that point. After one of you moves out it’s ok I think.

RedWingBoots · 17/06/2022 11:08

OP you need to frame it from your child's point of view and not outright say "No".

Why? The fact he's asking you means he wants to start an argument about you about it and accuse you of things like being controlling.

Turn around and ask him "Has he thought about it from your child's point of view?". Then say your child will be confused as you two still live in the same house together, is getting use to the fact you and their dad are getting divorced, if your child means his girlfriend now your child is likely to wrongly blame her for life for the fact you two are getting divorced, and there is no rush as you presume he will still be going out with the same her in 6 months.

RedWingBoots · 17/06/2022 11:09

Aw edit function so my autocorrect doesn't take over.

WhenDovesFly · 17/06/2022 11:10

He shouldn't even be introducing her to a new girlfriend yet, let alone taking her to stay there. It must be horrendously confusing for your poor DD to have mummy and daddy still living together and then see daddy being with another woman. Your DD is very young to be understanding what's going on here.

I don't know what the legalities are, but I'd be doing everything in my power to prevent this. If he lives at home why does he need to take her to the GF's house? Their relationship is still early days and she shouldn't be part of your DD's life yet.

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