To refuse a quickie?

[Zigzagzogoo]

DH and I seen to have fallen in to a routine of having a quickie when the dc are watching a film or something, so I've always got an eye on the bedroom door. They are young and exhausting so come bedtime neither of us are much up for sex.

DH has never been great in bed to be honest, he's a bit clumsy and a bit selfish, but we've sort of muddled through. I've come to realise that this quickie situation suits him down to the ground. He's absolved from any responsibility to make the sex good...he's getting his needs met and I'm not, and I'm feeling really resentful and used.

I've told him I'm done with the weekly quickies, we either have proper sex where he puts a bit of effort in, or we stop having sex until the dc are a bit more settled and we've more time to ourselves, either option would suit me.

He's now sulking. AIBU or should I put up with the crap sex?

No, never put up with crap sex. Once you hit menopause age you’ll regret it if you do.

Get a lock for your door!
That made me 100x more relaxed. Just took the fear away.

And yanbu

I can't see how anyone would say you should put up with crap sex. Before anything else you should tell him that you feel your needs are unmet otherwise you'll just become increasingly resentful.

You shouldn't do anything you don't want but personally I'd prefer quickies over no sex at all. It keeps that side of the relationship alive and keeps you connected. I think if you stop having sex completely it'll be easy to fall into that and then before you know it you haven't had sex for a year. Could you compromise with the quickies and then maybe one night a week, you both go to bed early and make it more special? I've got four kids and me and husband have great sex but we don't have hours of foreplay every single beforehand because of tiredness and the chance of kids waking.

Why don't you suggest that the next quickie is solely about satisfying you?
Sounds like he's 'winning' every time with the current arrangement and might view the situation differently if it has a different outcome for him!
Don't put up with shit sex, life is too short!

But why should she?
Her needs aren't being met and her dh is being satisfied, while seemingly not giving a shit about op?
She deserves more!

We fell into that just for convenience and recently it’s made me start feeling a bit shit for various reasons and I’m not getting that much out of it. We put the effort into having a bit more time to enjoy things once the kids are in bed but it’s not too late in the evening where we’re knackered

You’ve married and had children with a man who is shit at sex.

I don’t really know how this situation is going to end up with everyone happy.

Crap sex and sulking? Attractive.

Occasional crap sex, it happens. When this is the expectation though, no wonder you aren't really feeling it. It is very selfish of him to expect your needs to be ignored when his are being met every time. YANBU.

Crap sex?
Just no. No pleasure for you? No sex

YANBU

Sex is to be enjoyed by both participants, otherwise it's not worth doing. That would give me the ick if my partner was that uninterested in giving me a good time!

his behave is outrageous. Say no to sex until he is prepared to make sure your needs are met. Selfish arse.

YANBU ,a lock would be a good start.

Post it note on the headboard ‘Darling, you are shit in bed. Prove me wrong’.

I feel like you don’t need to phrase it as an ultimatum

you need to tell him he is bad at sex and you don’t find sex with him pleasurable. You’re happy to have sex if you can do some of the things you want/that benefit you in the 10 minutes you have spare

Like you clearly need to tell him he’s shit and make this a “him” problem, not a “you” problem

So basically he orgasms every time and you orgasm...when? What's the effing point of sex for you? To "feel close" as a couple, I bet he says....

Why can't the quickies focus on you half the time? They don't always have to be focussed on his orgasm

I think just you should get your orgasm first and then you can have the actual sex. Then you both benefit

Yeah this is what I was trying to get across, you don’t have to have a 5 min shag every time

He’s just using you for a posh wank. And now he’s sulking about it. Lovely.

Yes I see your point but it depends on the reasons behind it. If it's that he's selfish or not interested or whatever, then yes I get that he should be making all the effort and why she would lose desire for him. But sometimes life with kids, work, mundane routine can get in the way and sex gets pushed to the side. I meant in that kind of scenario I'd rather take the quickie over nothing at all because at least there's still that sexual connection that you can build on to improve things. I think stopping things completely doesn't help anyone, unless OP doesn't mind that.

Why should she compromise and have sex that does nothing for her? Would her husband do that, just have sex to fulfil her needs and ignore his? No, so why should she?

But repeated quickie sex where one person gets little to no pleasure does not foster closeness. It does the exact opposite and leaves the unsatisfied person feeling alone and disconnected. Over time this builds resentment if it goes on too long. Quickie sex only builds closeness if both people enjoy it.

How old are your kids?
I can't get my head around the fact that both of you are too tired every night for sex but can summon the energy in an unlocked room while the kids are up. No wonder you don't enjoy it.