To follow my heart over my head?

[rosesandrolltops]

With having another child?

We have two children and I have always wanted three. We had them 15 months apart and I found the transition from 1-2 unbelievably hard. However, DC2 is now a year old and DH and I have decided we would love another one.

The problem is- I can already see how much easier life would be if we stuck with two. Both children are now sleeping through the night and my eldest at 2.5 is now pretty dreamy to look after. We can easily afford childcare for another as well so I wouldn't have to give up my job (which I love). We have a four bed house with a huge loft ripe for a conversion, and plenty of space to extend if we need to as well.

Are we mad? Is it just hormones driving us? I love the thought of a loud house at Christmas etc- and also for my children to have a few family members as grown ups when me and DH are no longer around.

Is having a third child a decision we will go on to regret?

From what you've written, go for it. The baby stage passes and you've got that space and you could have your lovely loud, full house?

I had 2 DC with a a 17 month gap. Currently expecting DC3 now the other two are 6 and 7.
I was lucky that age didn't play a factor for me as I'm currently 32 so had options to leave it this late. I wouldn't have done it any earlier. I always wanted 3 DC also.
Having 3 very little ones would have been hell for me - if you can cope with that and have the resources for everyone to be happy then why not. You're only here once, make the most of it.

You might struggle for the first year or 2 with the sleep and things but it sounds like you're more than comfortable enough and it's something you both want.

I think you're more likely to regret it if you don't have another.

The only thing I'll say is that I suspect that dreamy 2.5 year old still has plenty of nightmare threenager times to come (not all do but most IME), which would be combined with a baby.

Two is plenty for me but lots of people have three and it sounds like you want another and can afford it so if you want it, go for it.

We have discussed the option of waiting a couple of years before having another- I don't doubt that three little ones would be v v hard. But I think I would rather have three close in age to make life in the future easier- I want them to all be interested in the same sorts of things when going on holiday etc- and I wouldn't want to leave the baby/toddler phase and then go back to square one with a newborn.

Provided it's not the recent baby hormones still talking then you seem to be in a good position, and ready to do it.

I don't think so. It was definitely hormones (and a great sleeper for a first born) that caused me to get pregnant so quickly after DC1. I was exceptionally broody 6 months post partum after DC2 as well- this feeling died down after a couple of months. But has now come back with a vengeance!

What did you find hard about the transition from 1-2?

I know I'll get a few judgemental comments if we do get pregnant with another though. Grandparents on both sides have said things along the lines of they think we should be done now. And I don't think my work would be v impressed at all.

I think because we already have a girl and a boy most people seem to assume that we're done now and would be a bit confused by a decision to have more.

Kind of wish I could switch something in my brain to make me feel complete by two!

All because they are close in age doesn’t mean they will be interested in the same things.

Have you considered the joy and cost of three teenagers.

DC1 slept through the night from about 10 weeks. But when I was already pregnant with DC2, DC1 started the beginning of a several month long sleep regression. When DC2 was born, DC1 was still waking several times a night and literally screaming her head off for hours on end- she made the newborn waking for milk every few hours feel like a doddle! So sleep or lack of made it feel v hard. A 15 month old and newborn combined is no joke. Plus because of DC1 having just lived her life through lockdowns she had no immunity- when DC2 was born was when the world started to open back up again and consequently we were absolutely hammered by nasty bug after nasty bug. Several bouts of croup, hand foot and mouth, bronchiolitis, norovirus, ear infections. And of course all of that affected sleep. It was pretty brutal.

Plus the relentlessness of two- there's always one child awake. And the logistics of getting two v young children into and out the car by myself, or getting them both to bed by myself.

But I feel like I know how to do it now. And I already don't get a break.

Yes I think I meant more that they will be at similar life stages. So for instance if we went on a day out to legoland then they would all be the right age for it, as opposed to dragging along a disinterested teenager, or dealing with a baby who is too young.

Yes I think the teenage years would be hard- that is something I worry about.

How would you have felt then if you’d had a third in the mix? An older child who wanted to read with you, or go to the park, or have a very particular snack cut in an exact way?

@Pumperthepumper to be honest I think it would have broken me a bit- I think would find it hard to deal with the guilt of not having enough time for an older child like that.

My hope is that it wouldn't be quite as brutal next time. Maybe that's naive.

If you found going from one to two hard with a small age gap it isn't going to be any easier with a third with a small age gap too. You're setting yourself up with difficulty in my opinion. That being said having 3 under 4 isn't easy but as long as you are prepared for that go for it.

I have three, older two had a small age gap (unplanned), mine didn't sleep well and it was tough. I deliberately waited till the second was older to even consider a third. I don't find three particularly difficult and that is because I have a dh who is an equal partner but it helps that eldest is at school, and my middle child is out at nursery for the mornings. This means baby and I get out to groups that wouldn't accommodate siblings. It is busy though, I didn't get anywhere near as much rest in my third pregnancy or in the recovery because there were two other kids to take care of. I love it and don't mean to sound discouraging so apologies if I have, I only meant to get across that there are negatives that you should consider.

Honestly 3 is tough. I found the jump from 1 to 2 pretty easy (eldest was 17 months when the 2nd came along). None of my babies have slept through until they were at least 1 year old. If you found 1-2 hard then I gently suggest you might find going to 3 too hard. We have big house, money etc so don’t have that to worry about but I’ve felt like I’m drowning since having 3rd. I’m literally spread so thin I am the absolute bottom of the list and not because I’m a martyr because 3 kids literally take up all energy. I know it will get easy but it’ll be a tough first few years. I don’t have extended family support though so if you have that it might be easier.

I have a boy and a girl and we won’t be having a third. We have the space, and the budget, and the incomes for it - absolutely. But our thinking is that - this balance of 2 careers, a nice home, 2 children on whom we can invest both energy and finances and whose financial futures and eduction we can support to the most comfortable extent we can in an unpredictable world - it’s the right balance for us.

for us - to add a third child to this mix, May well add commotion and love (any Nth child would) - but the cost of it - for our existing children doesn’t balance it out for us. We don’t wish to cut our attention, our energy, and our finances in a further division - particularly as we wish to support them into university and their first major steps in life in certain ways.

ive always thought it important to distinguish between a parents broodiness versus the needs and requirements and benefits for current and existing children. Likewise always thought of distinguishing between babies and the fun of toddlers versus the young people needing a hand with an unaffordable housing market or coping with rising costs of education. Treating these things as distinct entities helped us decide.

You have summed up perfectly my reservations about having a third.

For me it's hard to weigh up the downsides of each child having less time due to having to compete for it with siblings, vs having the joy of more siblings to play with as a child and to have as a support network when grown up!

Thank you for your honest opinion.

My DC2 also didn't sleep through until he turned one so I am aware that a potential DC3 could be similar (or a lot worse)!

The thing is- I did find two with a small gap really v hard. Like you I have no outside support from extended family. But now my two are 2 and 1 I'm actually finding things pretty easy again. I have no doubt that three is markedly harder than two- it has to be. But I can't fathom it being a harder jump from 2-3 than I found that 1-2 was. Clearly your experience says different though! I really honestly wish I could just flick a switch and stop wanting a third, as I know it would make life so much harder.

The problem is that children are just so very awesome. And being so much joy.

The other thing I think nobody really talks about is how great they are as they grow. Everyone coos over the baby stage and the adorable bits but as they get older they are genuinely really great company. Particularly when they start reading and develop a love for books, or if they get really into a sport they love, of subjects at school they want to tell you about. Or you see how kind they are with their friends or how funny they are, it really reduces the urge to stretch the baby stage out.

teenage years are not necessarily hard, just need nerves of steel as they find their way in the world, eg worrying about them stopping out late etc. DD is a lovely teen, DS1 a bit more of a worry.

Going by the relationship i have with my mum I'd say, the second time round with her GCs has been amazing for her. She is great with them, and they love her to bits.

PS You sound like a great mother and really understand kids. Just the type kids need, so I'd go for it.

I have 3. Like you I always knew I wanted more than 2 - the crowd at Christmas, the group for each other when they are adults. Just go for it - the early years are hard but I love my bust house now - once my youngest got to 4 it was so much easier. But he was always a dream - he is totally self sufficient as there was a gap and I was busy bringing the older 2 to school and activities so he had to fit in with it all.

Don’t discuss your plans with grandparents- they never approve!!! And try not to listen to comments from them.

but make sure you get as much help as you can - I had no help in the first 15 months with my youngest and then we got an au pair for the next 12months, and used a local teenager to babysit three evenings a week after that - do that I only ever had 1 child with me when I was going to sport or clubs with the older DC. It saved my mental health

My 3rd had silent reflux and the HV & GP were useless. It was hell and I still feel traumatised but it and she's an adult now. I went on and had a 4th and she was a doddle (the last 3 were in 3 years similar gaps to you of you got pregnant soon).

The teen years are very hard emotionally and so so so so expensive as they reach adulthood and university help crops up and learning to drive, wishing you click help them onto the property ladder

I still didn't feel "done" after 4 🤦🏼‍♀️ so went with my head and was sterilised.

So in summary a baby with high needs or SEN or disability could massively change everything and it is a risk with every pregnancy but something worth considering too.

I have two with a 17 month age gap. Both teenagers now, one in yr 10 and one in yr 11.

Do not have 3 teens. My teens are lovely. Really really lovely. Both doing well at school, eldest has part time job, they do chores. I don't have anything to complain about. They are dream teens, even the boy buys me chocolate bars and ice lollys without me asking if he goes to the shop for himself, out his own money.

They take SO much emotional energy. They are so independent in lots of ways, but they talk to me about most things. I know all their friendship dramas who does what, who is posting pics on snapchats in their pants, who is smoking weed, who has horrible parents. And they get on so we get the lovely days out, apart from when they don't get on. Then it's the most draining day in the world.

They are also very expensive. You can't buy teens second hands clothes and trainers from tesco. They need airforce 1s for school, that's £120 twice a year x2. You can say oh they don't need, but they do. You want your dc to feel comfortable and not be a social outcast.

Then the hobbies. And decent bikes. I would say definitely have another baby, but wait and don't have 3 teens at the same time. If one goes off the rails how will you manage the emotional energy for the other two?