To follow my heart over my head?

[rosesandrolltops]

With having another child?

We have two children and I have always wanted three. We had them 15 months apart and I found the transition from 1-2 unbelievably hard. However, DC2 is now a year old and DH and I have decided we would love another one.

The problem is- I can already see how much easier life would be if we stuck with two. Both children are now sleeping through the night and my eldest at 2.5 is now pretty dreamy to look after. We can easily afford childcare for another as well so I wouldn't have to give up my job (which I love). We have a four bed house with a huge loft ripe for a conversion, and plenty of space to extend if we need to as well.

Are we mad? Is it just hormones driving us? I love the thought of a loud house at Christmas etc- and also for my children to have a few family members as grown ups when me and DH are no longer around.

Is having a third child a decision we will go on to regret?

I always thought I’d have 3. But a small age gap with 2 was very hard, and then somehow the balance tipped to considering all the ways 3 would be not good, rather than awesome. Financially, primarily - funding 3 DC would have been very hard for us as they grow, as children but also into young adults who need good choices for education. But also what tipped it for me was thinking all the ‘what ifs’ that didn’t occur to me going from 1 DC to 2 - what if I was injured in labour/had a disabled child/something happened to me or the new baby? How would that affect my DH and my existing DC. It suddenly felt very real in a way it hadn’t prior. Perhaps it was because I felt very lucky with both DC’s births and didn’t want to tip my hand.

I do also think (sorry!) that 3 DC isn’t a very environmentally friendly thing, if we’re honest. For us 2DC was ‘neutral’ not increasing our burden on the planet. It wasn’t the main consideration at all, but there in the background.

Btw, we also had the slightly judgemental relatives hoping we’d not have more DC - I think it was out of love, as they watched us struggle from afar with the small age gap, so didn’t want us to make our lives even more stressful, but it did feel horrible when they said it!

I have two and I'm definitely done. But reading your posts it sounds as if you really want a third and you definitely have the space. I guess you and your husband will need to consider finances in the longer term as your children will obviously grow and want/need more expensive things.

If you decide to go for it, I suggest that you work out when DC1 will become eligible for 15/30h funded childcare (the term after their third birthday) and ensure baby will be born after than and not before. Being able to send your oldest to preschool when you have a newborn DC3 will be a godsend.

Personally I find it hard enough splitting myself in two (for example, both my children favour me over DH, DC2 is unwell this weekend and has been clingy, DH and I decided that DH would take DC1 out and I would stay home with DC2, DC1 was upset because he wanted me to take him ) but I do think there are advantages for the children in knowing they have to share attention, time and priority with siblings.

I have the full, loud house at Christmas, in fact every second of the day and I love it. I followed my heart although it is very hard work. I have 4.

One thing I would say that if you're going to do it, don't leave a big gap, it makes it that bit harder to have 4+ years and then go back to the start again.

For me it isn't having three small children that is the hard part. It's three 9-13 year old children. One who wants to be in the local theatre production, one who wants to do air cadets and one who wants to to football. All of whom need to go to do swimming lessons.

Then three teenagers. Growing out of their massive shoes every ten minutes eating everything in sight. And still with various interests and needs.

Yes I know i don't want another, but if I was going for a third I wouldn't want a big gap. My eldest is 4 and going out alone with her is so easy and enjoyable. No nappies, no buggies, no naps to work around, an actual conversation. If she were my youngest there's no way I could go back. At least with an age gap under, say,3 years you're still in the thick of it.

"For me it's hard to weigh up the downsides of each child having less time due to having to compete for it with siblings, vs having the joy of more siblings to play with as a child and to have as a support network when grown up!"

Sorry but I think this is rather naive and optimistic. No guarantee that three siblings will
find it a joy to play with each other growing up and will be a support network for each other as adults. Some siblings are close as children and/or adults, some are not. With two siblings it's just one relationship between them, but with three there are three relationships, they might not all get on, and there might be some feeling left out or jealous of the others' relationship.

I am sorry be negative as there are lots of positives of course. But I don't think you should assume that each of the three children will see both the others as a positive! You can hope they will.

I say this as an adult who gets on with all her siblings... but my DH does not get on with his at all.

Siblings often fight and often don't get on, so presuming they will all be best if friends is a little naive.

A popular topic on MN at the moment - can you afford to support all three through university?

My third was the one I enjoyed the most.

I mean, I can't predict how circumstances will change over the next 17 years, but currently we could support three at uni very well.

Yes- I don't presume they would be best friends. I fought like anything with my siblings growing up. But I also fondly remember playing with them and having the best time. And now spending Christmas etc with them is a lot of fun- there's always at least one of them who is able to join in with the family Christmas at my parents.

Whereas my DH only has one sibling and he never seems them.

If you are financially set up and think you can give all your want including your time to three then you should go for it! Majority of people don't regret having an additional child and many more regret not having an additional one

The saying is true that they are harder when they get older. It's not harder in the sense of nappies, mess and drudgery. It's harder in how much they need emotionally. Toddlers are easy, read them a book, take them to the park, make a picnic. Teens have problems they need support with and they also want to do it their way. You have to let them make mistakes, you can't comfort them in the same way. I find it very hard to give my teens the support they need as they're both basically the same age. I know I'd have nothing left over for a third, well I'd do it but then have nothing left over for myself. If one is having problems, relationships/friendships/school and then the other one has similar problems, how would you not neglect the third. Don't romantise the future because you want another baby or a house filled with laughter. Reality wise, one or two of them will always be needing more and not able to get it.

You're looking at this through rose-tinted glasses.

1 extra sibling is not 1 further source of friendship and support necessarily, it could also be 1 more person for the existing siblings to fall out with.

Would you cope if they had a disability on top of the needs of the other two?

Think of the worst case scenarios rather than the photo album of your dreams.

The last couple of posts have made me a bit sad- but I am grateful for people's honesty.

It's really impossible to know what to do best for the happiness of my children. I'm a big believer in following my gut instinct and my gut says that a third child would overall add joy to our lives- but I do appreciate there are a multitude of other, v important factors that would make a third not a good idea on paper.

The point about the third potentially having a disability etc is an interesting one. It's a risk I took with having a second child, I don't really see why it's a risk I should consider more carefully when having a third? Is it just because society finds to more acceptable to have two children and therefore anything beyond that constitutes a risk?

On the disability side - it's just that you are spread more thinly with 3 and having a child with health issues or disabilities can be a huge time constraint especially on siblings hobbies when the are older, ability to work etc.

I think it's more as your DC get older and you know ever more families that do struggle and why etc it makes you evaluate things differently.

3 lots of homework to support, compromising on schools as you can't get them to 3 different ones etc.

I think it's very difficult to be realistic about the impact until you've been there and done it.

My DCs issues only came out whilst they were older. Battling with school because their SEN were so mild. Only getting them assessed as adults because private assessments aren't accepted by LEA.

Wanting to have your own hobbies and time away - more you have the harder it is! I have evenings where all 3 have separate hobbies on the same day. At one point there was at least one taxi run every weekday.

It was practically much easier when they were young, no evening hobbies, in bed for 7pm so had our evenings free. That sort of thing.

If you one DC that doesn't like the same things as the other 2 or none of them can agree on the same film/day out/activity etc etc.

It really is up to you but you asked and we're trying to impart the negatives.

I love all my DC, can't image having fewer but I was so naive about the reality of when they were last primary school age.

When I got married I wanted four, loved babies from about 11 years old, ended up with 3, due to circumstances third was not planned but soooo happy he came along. There was four and a half years between him and his nearest sibling and it was a joy to watch the relationship between them. He was old enough to trust the baby with and would entertain him (by dancing around in front of his baby bouncer😍) whilst I cooked the older two food. Now they are both in their 30s and still best mates, see each other most days. I'd say go with your ❤️ @