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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend with videos of ex

52 replies

lbear12 · 01/04/2022 22:07

I seen on my boyfriends phone he has explicit videos of his ex still from a few years ago. He said he deleted these and clearly he hasnt. I am so so so angry, I am also pregnant with his baby and now can't stop crying at this

OP posts:
AHungryCaterpillar · 01/04/2022 22:09

How did you find them?

Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 22:11

@AHungryCaterpillar he was going through his phone gallery looking for an old picture of him and his pal and it caught my eye so I then went down all his pictures

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 01/04/2022 22:12

I think you’ll need to speak to him about it.
I’m guessing you looked through his phone?
He might become quite upset about this but there’s so trust issues there that you both need to work on.
I’d be upset too if my dh had videos of another woman on his phone.

Shabtipup · 01/04/2022 22:15

You are right, he should not have them on his phone anymore. But, since they're so old I'd say he most likely just forgot about them and isn't keeping them deliberately (can't imagine he scrolls all the way up the photo album) but who knows. It's disrespectful to both you and his ex to still have it saved. He should delete it. However he might not have kept it intentionally iyswim.

Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 22:16

@Hiddenvoice I seen it as he was looking through for an old picture of him and his friend but yeah after I seen it I took his phone and went through it. I honestly feel so sick and I'm just worried now for the baby as I got myself in such a state x

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 01/04/2022 22:16

It my partner had wank bank material of their ex on their phone I'd be absolutely livid.It's also disrespectful to his ex to retain these.He should delete them as it's inappropriate to now have these.

Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 22:16

@Shabtipup yeah I do see what you mean, although he had told me previous they were deleted which has annoyed me more. I'm honestly just so sad about it all x

OP posts:
Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 22:17

@thenewduchessoflapland it is so disrespectful it's honestly disgusting, he has now deleted them but it's just the principal of them even being there in the first place I can't get over, I feel so disgusted x

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 01/04/2022 22:19

I’m not surprised you’re upset and angry.
It’s not ok, it’s disgusting.

vodkaredbullgirl · 01/04/2022 22:20
Shock
Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 22:20

@Whatinthelord I can't stop crying about it, and I'm pregnant aswell, I feel like my hormones are just everywhere; I'm now also worried I've hurt the baby with the state I got myself in 😞x

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 01/04/2022 22:21

Baby will be fine

GrazingSheep · 01/04/2022 22:21

How long are you with him?

Thumpkin · 01/04/2022 22:24

If it’s on an iPhone, make sure they are also deleted from the ‘recently deleted’ folder or he can simply get them back by undoing the delete. Works for up to a month.

Hiddenvoice · 01/04/2022 22:31

Take your time with this, I know it’s hard but try not get too stressed, put you and your baby first!
When you’re ready talk calmly to him and explain how you feel.
It’s wrong that he still has these images but hopefully it’s a case of he has thought they were deleted and doesn’t look at them! I’d make him delete them and make sure his deleted folder is emptied too.

Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 22:32

@vodkaredbullgirl I hope so, I'm so annoyed at myself for getting so worked up x

OP posts:
Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 22:33

@GrazingSheep 2 years x

OP posts:
Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 22:33

@Thumpkin yeah that was the first thing I done just to make sure but I just feel disgusted about all of this, I don't know if my hormones are making it worse but I can't calm down from it all x

OP posts:
Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 22:34

@Hiddenvoice I know thank you, I'm so annoyed I've let myself get into this state without putting the baby first 😞 I'm just so sad, I've told him to get out, I don't know if I'm over reacting, it doesn't feel like it but that's why I've come on here to see what other people think x

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 01/04/2022 22:36

So you kicked him out?

GrazingSheep · 01/04/2022 22:37

What’s your housing situation? And financial?

Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 22:37

@GrazingSheep I told him to get out just now, I didn't kick him out like to not stay here as it's both our house I just told him to leave just now. I work full time but the house is in both of ours names x

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 01/04/2022 22:38

Your hormones will be all over the place just now so take time to think before making any major decisions.
Maybe ask him to sleep in another room tonight so you can try ease yourself and have a sleep on it all.
Might be better to try rest and discuss it with him tomorrow when it’s not too raw.
Please don’t think the worst just now as there can be many reasons for it. We all agree he shouldn’t still have them but there might be an explanation that you’ll want tk hear.

Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 22:40

@Hiddenvoice thank you I really appreciate this a lot. I know I have been quite irrational with how I've acted but I'm just all over the place then obviously now the worry of the baby on top of that. But thank you a lot for this xx

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 01/04/2022 22:47

You’re pregnant with his child, you’ve seen something upsetting on his phone so you’re allowed to have your feelings! He knows you’re upset so just explain that for now you need to think about how you’re feeling, calm yourself for the baby and speak to him tomorrow. He doesn’t need to leave the house right now as you might actually feel better if he’s still there. You’ll be worrying about the baby so as much you’re upset and annoyed at him it might make you feel more comfortable having him in the house. Tomorrow, whenever you’re ready speak to him about it all. He will have excuses or reasons for it and it’s up to you to decide what you believe to be the truth. You will still be hurt by it but it gives you time and space to also think about what you want to say and how to try keep yourself a bit more relaxed for the baby.