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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend with videos of ex

52 replies

lbear12 · 01/04/2022 22:07

I seen on my boyfriends phone he has explicit videos of his ex still from a few years ago. He said he deleted these and clearly he hasnt. I am so so so angry, I am also pregnant with his baby and now can't stop crying at this

OP posts:
Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 23:04

@Hiddenvoice I'm still early on in pregnancy I'm only 14 weeks so that's making me even more worried 😞😞 I can't stop crying about this, one minute I feel im not over reacting then the next I do, I obviously don't want to tell anyone so I just feel really lost just now but I really appreciate all your help thank you so much xx

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 01/04/2022 23:14

It’s completely understandable.
You will talk to others when you feel ready. It’s still fresh and very raw just now so it might be overwhelming for you to tell close family/friends for advice.
Have you had your first scan? If so go look at the picture, rub your belly to feel close to your little one and just take a breather. Focus on the baby and all the things you can’t wait to do with them. Try to relax yourself so you can try sleep tonight.
Have your breakfast and even lunch before you try speak to him tomorrow. When you wake up you might feel ready to confide in someone then but tonight focus on you and the baby.

TheGrinchsDog · 01/04/2022 23:27

Oh you poor thing! Flowers

I'm not surprised you are feeling the way you are, he has violated another woman by keeping wank material of her, which is disrespectful to you and your relationship and he lied to you on top of that too.

I'm really sorry, try not to worry too much about the baby. Maybe you could tell him to go and stay with a family member or friend for a couple of days so you get a break from a stressful atmosphere and can have a think about things.

You deserve better than this and that his behaviour is really unacceptable. Do you have people IRL that are supportive you can talk to?

Maybe open a new thread in the relationships board where there are lots of people who will give you great support and advice.

Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 23:35

@Hiddenvoice thank you, I do really appreciate this a lot. You've made me feel a lot better, I'm just going to try and chill out tonight. I've just got to think about the baby first and not me now at this point. Thank you again ♥️xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 23:37

@TheGrinchsDog I know I said that, I'm horrified for her aswell that he has done this, I assume she would just think he deleted them? I'm so annoyed I'm fighting with myself about it now whether I'm over reacting or not.

I do have a very good family I can talk to in real life I just don't want to jump the gun and go telling them if it's not necessary, do you know what I mean? I'm wondering if my hormones are making this seem so much worse than what it is.

Sorry I never even thought, I was just in a state so posted anywhere but thank you very much for your comment I really appreciate your help xxx

OP posts:
Bananabutter · 01/04/2022 23:46

You are both in the wrong here.

You have absolutely no right to go through his phone. It’s his private property and you shouldn’t invade that; it’s none of your business what’s on there and there’s nothing wrong with him having those videos.

However, he shouldn’t have lied and said he got rid of them when he didn’t.

TheGrinchsDog · 01/04/2022 23:47

Sorry @lbear12 I wasn't trying to say anything there about you, I am just really upset for you and the ex too Flowers

Don't feel bad about going from one thought to another, that's bound to happen. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or anything, it just means you have had a shock, your brain is trying to line up what has happened with who you thought he was and obviously it can't so you have the internal battle of it's really bad/ maybe I'm overreacting.

It's a horrible feeling that, I am certainly not judging you for it, I've been in a similar state and it's really disorienting and upsetting Flowers

I also understand the hesitation to say something to friends or family, and I don't want to stress you out further but yes, it is as bad as you initially thought, your instincts are good.

I agree with PPs that you don't have to do anything right now other than try and look after yourself and baby, I was just thinking getting him out of the house and talking to my mum/sister or best friend would make me feel better so maybe it would for you too.

I really didn't mean to offend you, I'm a bit rubbish sometimes and can be a bit blunt but I really don't mean to make you feel judged because you really haven't done anything wrong Flowers

TheGrinchsDog · 01/04/2022 23:48

@Bananabutter

You are both in the wrong here.

You have absolutely no right to go through his phone. It’s his private property and you shouldn’t invade that; it’s none of your business what’s on there and there’s nothing wrong with him having those videos.

However, he shouldn’t have lied and said he got rid of them when he didn’t.

Utter shite!
Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 23:48

@Bananabutter I never seen the videos from going through his phone off my own back. He was sat right next to me going through his pictures himself and I seen it. I then took the phone whilst he was still next to me and looked.

OP posts:
HellToTheNope · 01/04/2022 23:50

I sincerely hope you're financially independent because I don't have much hope for your relationship.

Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 23:51

@TheGrinchsDog no no sorry I didn't mean that you had said anything about me at all. Sorry if that came across there like I had thought that.

I am in total shock still, i just can't believe at all he would keep them I'm just trying to process why but like I said I'm just fighting a losing battle with myself.

I'm just going to try and chill out tonight as I need to think about the baby and not myself, im so worried I've hurt them or done something to them with the state I was in 😞

I really really appreciate your messages so much, you've made me feel a lot better, thank you 💕

OP posts:
Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 23:51

@HellToTheNope I'm definitely financially independent and I don't rely on anyone for money. I work full time

OP posts:
Bananabutter · 01/04/2022 23:51

[quote lbear12]@Bananabutter I never seen the videos from going through his phone off my own back. He was sat right next to me going through his pictures himself and I seen it. I then took the phone whilst he was still next to me and looked.[/quote]
It doesn’t matter. It wasn’t yours to take; it isn’t your phone to look through. You invaded his privacy and that isn’t acceptable behaviour.

You are overreacting and you are being irrational. It’s a few videos made consensually. Nothing wrong with that or with him keeping them.

TheGrinchsDog · 01/04/2022 23:52

@lbear12 definitely open a new thread in the relationships board, AIBU is full of horrible people out for kicks Angry

HellToTheNope · 01/04/2022 23:53

Thank goodness. Don't allow that status to change. This man is not invested in your relationship.

Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 23:53

@Bananabutter your absolute entitled to your own opinion of course but it's definitely an opinion I won't take any notice of ☺️

OP posts:
FloralsForSpring · 01/04/2022 23:53

Gross

Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 23:54

@TheGrinchsDog that's okay, I knew there would be people on here that would say something like that. Will let it go over my head I do hope nothing like that happens to them although, chances are it's a guy typing that in my opinion lol x

OP posts:
Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 23:54

@FloralsForSpring 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
TheGrinchsDog · 01/04/2022 23:58

@lbear12 Honestly don't worry about me too ;) I was just worried I had upset you more than you already are.

Please try not to worry, I'm absolutely sure baby will be fine and you have definitely not done anything to harm him/her Flowers

I think trying to do something distracting and relaxing sounds like an a+ plan for now, try and get some sleep and drink some water.

When you feel ready there's a nicer place (relationships) with far less goady people to come and have a chat if you need to and don't feel put off reaching out IRL if you need to either, if you were my sister or friend I'd give you a big hug and support you, I'm sure you have people who would feel the same around you Flowers

Original poster
lbear12 · 01/04/2022 23:59

Thank you @TheGrinchsDog I really appreciate your lovely messages a lot ♥️xxx

OP posts:
Bananabutter · 02/04/2022 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

TheGrinchsDog · 02/04/2022 00:42

Reported @Bananabutter for that deliberately goading and tbh quite sexist post, hope it gets removed.

You are a nasty piece of work aren't you banana.

Indicatrice · 02/04/2022 04:59

@Bananabutter bore off, no one needs your misogynistic victim blaming here. Toodle doo.

SpringsSprung · 02/04/2022 09:07

@Bananabutter

You are both in the wrong here.

You have absolutely no right to go through his phone. It’s his private property and you shouldn’t invade that; it’s none of your business what’s on there and there’s nothing wrong with him having those videos.

However, he shouldn’t have lied and said he got rid of them when he didn’t.

Nothing wrong with having EXPLICIT videos of his ex girlfriend on his phone? Are you quite alright????
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