Aibu to think it’s not just your kids trying to fit in at school

[Av0bo55]

Is it just my feelings here!
Or are a lot of parents of school children almost acting like children too?
The clique’s and the gossiping and the exclusion of certain parents and children from social events?
I feel like this sometimes and I’m often wondering why we don’t fit in
Perhaps they don’t like us or my dc
Although they all have good friends and I thought we got on well with a lot of the parents, but we seem to be excluded from outside meet ups and social events
Anyone else find this?
If not perhaps some tips to make us more popular and likeable? 😆 Or maybe I just need to find a new hobby and go make some new friends!! 😆 hobby ideas then!

It is sad that the school gates seem to make people behave as if they are back at school.
It is bad. I haven't any advice as it's been ages since I did a school run , but I do work a few hours in one and it's not much better amongst the staff to be honest. Cliques and nepotism everywhere.
Just stick to the ones you like and ignore the haters.

I’ve had already as a new mum lol baby groups are so cliquey and one of the girls in our NCT group took it upon herself to be chief organiser and left out who she saw fit. As soon as I get a whiff of drama I can’t be bothered. Seems a lot of people use the opportunity to try and be popular?

This does happen but I'm sure a few gaslighters will be along soon to say it's all imaginary. I wouldn't feel you have to change who you are, to fit in with these people. Carry on being polite but look elsewhere for new friends.

What's nepotism got to do with it?

Yeah you’re not alone in feeling like this, I’ve just been to a kids’ party this morning and it was such hard work, thankfully spoke to a couple of friendly parents who are clearly also not part of the popular crew but it was so painful at times, some of the little girls unfortunately are mimicking their mothers’ behaviours already too at 7, it’s really sad. You’ll find people you click with eventually but a hobby you would enjoy is probably a better plan - or suggest something you’d enjoy and see if anyone wants to join you, if not then at least you’ve tried.

I'm one of these people that MN doesn't like who just doesn't get involved in the school gates politics. I take my kids to school, then leave. I might have a quick chat with people I know already outside of my kids, like the neighbours, but it doesn't go beyond the superficial. I'm not interested in making friends with other parents. If there are social events or what's app groups, I don't know about them and I don't care TBH.

My kids have been able to form their own friendships. We live close to their school and its a small school so there's usually someone they know when they go to the park etc. Other kids in the street go to the same school so they play out with them. They don't need me to micromanage their friendships.

Cheesecake - I wish I’d taken this approach if I’m honest with you. I have made a few good friends at school in the 9 years so far of school runs etc but my closest friends aren’t parents of children my kids are friends with. As you say those relationships are often superficial so I find them quite draining. I have left plenty of WhatsApp groups as well.

There are twats everywhere. Life’s too short. Find some friends outside of school and move on. I work full time and don’t do pick ups or drop offs so have thankfully avoided all this shit but some people are ridiculous.

Meh, I never had time to worry about this kind of shit. Just be friendly to everyone and don't get involved in the petty politics.

Just pointing out nepotism at work in a school!
Just to show that even the inner workings are not that much different to the area outside the school sometimes!
Not much help to the op though, I know.
Best just to make like minded friends and try to stay away from any gossip / drama.
Be the cool one who doesn't get too involved

I never made anything other than a couple of minutes, polite conversation.
I wasn't interested in school run politics.

Thanks! Relieved it’s not just me actually! And I think I shall take the advice and to try not to get too involved and try fit in! It’s been quite anxiety provoking lately.

I wouldn' t waste time worrying, school years come and go quickly then you hardly see anyone again, everyone goes their own way. l never got involved in it all , it didn't interest me.

You're not wrong op. In the early years it doesn't matter how popular your child is...it's all about the parents. My dds class parents are horribly cliquey. It's not my imagination.

It is horrible op
I'd do things differently I think if I had to go through all this again, but I did make a friends , it's finding the like minded ones that can be hard! Good luck

@Av0bo55

I was you 20 years ago!
Please believe me when I tell you that your experiences and feelings are so common, and absolutely valid.
And please, please do not try to make yourself "more popular and likeable". It's not you that is the problem, honestly.
I just wish, now that I have more confidence and self-esteem than I did then, that I could go back and handle things differently, I really do. I was so insecure at that time that I nearly made myself ill over it - please don't let this situation get to you.
For people whose face doesn't "fit", for whatever reason, and you don't have thick skin, the school gate can be a shitty, lonely, hell on earth, and I'm not exaggerating.
It really does seem that lots of parents, (usually women, unfortunately, IME), psychologically revert back to behaviour that belongs in the playground, but I couldn't see that then.
Build up your own interests, career, hobbies, whatever - things that are important to you.
You may actually end up making friends with school mums, but don't make it the "be all and end all". And as other PPs have said, these parental friendships often don't last once primary school days are over.
And, one last thing - tell yourself you are better than all this crap!

Why don’t you organise something, OP?

Why is it up to other women to arrange social events for you?

I don't know if we genuinely have none of this at dds school or if I am just oblivious!

I think it’s just easier to go into the school drop off/pick up with the only intention of dropping off/picking up your child. These people don’t need to be your friends. I exchange pleasantries with a few parents but some days people don’t talk at all. I find social interactions quite difficult as I’m very shy, so unless I catch someone’s eye, or they happen to start a conversation I’m pretty silent.
I’ve never met any of them outside for play dates etc, I’m not sure if they do that but several of them have older children at school together too so they already have a bond.
But I’m not bothered by it. The last thing I would want would be to be in a clique. As long as my child is happy at school and has a few friends, it doesn’t matter if we don’t see any of them outside of school. We have other friends we can meet for socialising.
Don’t stress about it, and do not change yourself!! It’s the rude, gossipy, clicky parents that should try a bit harder, not you.

Just remember that the only thing that connects you is that your kids are all in the same class, you would never gel with 30odd other random people in any setting. Just be yourself!

@SleeplessWB

I don't know if we genuinely have none of this at dds school or if I am just oblivious!

You may not have it. One of my dc’s class was like this, one was not. I was tense doing school collections most days. I could have ignored them all as I work and have friends outside of school - but I genuinely wanted to feel part of our local community and also, more crucially, if you weren’t “in” then neither was your child. It was awful, so subtle but definitely there. Several other parents took their dc away - it ended up being the smallest class on the school. Eventually I took my dc out too and they are much happier in their new drama-free class. It’s definitely a thing, OP. People on mumsnet told me it fades away as the DC get older and arrange their own friendships and this is definitely true too, but it can feel like a long wait.

I work and have never done the school run. I also have plenty of friends and never looked to other school parents to provide me with a social life. Lots of other working parents are the same and are just not involved in any of this drama.

Both my children made plenty of friends and that was not impacted in any way by my lack of hanging out with other children's mummies.

Why do you need to try and fit in? Can you not just get on with your life and let your kids get on with theirs?

My tips - get a job, do some volunteering, find a hobby, join a gym. What are your interests - do that. And stop bothering about the playground.

I mean, DC only started reception in Sept but doesn't feel like that at our school. We all rub along together quite nicely I think. There are definitely groups as some live in a certain area close to the school, or they've come from the same nursery, some live in the same estate etc, but the feeling in the school yard is a nice one and I've certainly not witnessed any gossiping!

I never bothered with school gate stuff. I chatted to a couple but never made social arrangements. There was a WhatsApp which l was on, but never really said much.

I had lots of friends at work and that I’d collected over the years.