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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funeral 'etiquette'

54 replies

JaffaBiscuits · 25/11/2021 15:17

A former colleague of my husband's sadly died recently, they had kept in touch occasionally and he thought a lot of him.

The funeral is next week, I had never met him so I think it'd be weird if I went, but DH has said he would like me to go with him.

Is it the right thing that only DH goes and would it be weird if I went too?

AIBU - Go to the funeral with DH.
YANBU - No don't go, it would be odd.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 25/11/2021 15:23

I have been to a few colleagues funerals.

I have also been to friends or colleagues funerals where a close relative such as their parent has died when I have never met their parent, to show respect/support.

Without any specific reasons why he needed me there, I wouldn't go to one of dh's colleagues funerals as he is not a close relative/friend of the deceased. If he was a close friend it is likely I would have met him and I would then go.

Bells3032 · 25/11/2021 15:25

Unless he was a close friend and needs your support think it's kind of weird to go when you have met neither the deceased nor their family etc. it's not a social occasion.

TotallySuper · 25/11/2021 15:25

You're going to support your DH it doesn't matter if you knew the deceased or not.

MrsTimRiggins · 25/11/2021 15:27

Funerals are for the living, and your husband has asked you to go with him. On that basis, I would go.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 25/11/2021 15:29

I think it would be fine for either both of you or your dh to go alone but as he has asked you to go with him then I would go unless I had somewhere else I needed to be. Is he likely to know many other people there, going to a funeral where you know no-one else might be a bit daunting so he probably feels he could use some company.

Original poster
JaffaBiscuits · 25/11/2021 15:29

@Bells3032

Unless he was a close friend and needs your support think it's kind of weird to go when you have met neither the deceased nor their family etc. it's not a social occasion.
This describes how I feel - I would feel like an inappropriate plus 1.

Plus if I'm there DH will stick to me, whereas if I'm not he will more easily be able to catch up with other former workmates. A very close friend of his is going too, as he knew him, so he will have him for a bit of support.

OP posts:
CatonMat · 25/11/2021 15:30

I think it's very reasonable to go in order to support your husband.
I was touched by how many people came to my loved ones funeral.
I assumed they had followed her battle through their partners who knew her, and were their to pay their respects.

QualityChecked · 25/11/2021 15:35

You only need to go back a generation or so and it would be weird not to go with DH in such a situation.

Thankfully, this kind of wifely support isn't expected anymore but there's no reason not to go if DH would like you to.

Thatsplentyjack · 25/11/2021 15:36

Lots of people do this. My mums friends came to my gran and grandads funeral, my uncle (by marriage) brothers and sisters came too. Honestly I thought ut was strange, and felt like our day "to say goodbye" was taken over by people that I hardly knew, didn't really want there and had never met my grandparents.

PleasantBirthday · 25/11/2021 15:38

I think I would go in that situation. Your husband would like to pay his respects but thinks he'll feel a bit of a lemon going alone, I can understand that. You don't have to do anything other than be present and tell the family that you're sorry for their loss, which I'm sure is true even if you don't know them.

Mrsjayy · 25/11/2021 15:40

I think if he has asked you to go with him and you are able too then you should go, it doesn't imo matter if you didn't know the man.

Welshmaenad · 25/11/2021 15:41

Providing there's no restrictions on numbers I would probably go, but my family is Irish and everyone goes to funerals. EVERYONE. There were about 400 people in the church for my mum's.

But I can see how you'd feel out of place or weird about it. Gently ask if he wouldn't rather have the chance to catch up with old work friends. If he really insists he wants you with him, I'd probably just go to the church/crem, and maybe suggest he goes to the wake on his own as you have somewhere you need to be?

DriftingBlue · 25/11/2021 15:43

Ironically, Funeral services are generally a the more the merrier situation. You should attend with your husband if he prefers and you are available.

The loved ones of the deceased are often comforted by the size of the crowd. If nothing else, quietly paying your respects from the back will help them grieve.

gogohm · 25/11/2021 15:49

It's fine to accompany your husband, unless there's a restriction on numbers in which case you can wait in the car park

gogohm · 25/11/2021 15:52

@Welshmaenad m
I've heard about Irish funerals, I have one at work (church) in 2 weeks and I'm already concerned about capacity, luckily lots of standing room at the backSmile. The wake apparently will be something else, they have invited me and I've never met the deceased!

Welshmaenad · 25/11/2021 15:59

[quote gogohm]@Welshmaenad m
I've heard about Irish funerals, I have one at work (church) in 2 weeks and I'm already concerned about capacity, luckily lots of standing room at the backSmile. The wake apparently will be something else, they have invited me and I've never met the deceased![/quote]
Even the standing room at the back was packed - the funeral director had to gently warn me to prepare myself for the size of the crowd before I went in (luckily he was Irish too so not fazed). I met a lot of second cousins twice removed for the first time. It was intense. The receiving line outside the church went on so long someone had to go get me a drink of water.

I catered for 150 at the wake and had to go and beg the hotel proprietors to make more food, cheque book in hand. (Luckily they were Italian and not remotely fazed either).

Youdoyoutoday · 25/11/2021 16:01

It doesn't matter if you knew him or not, your husband has asked you to go with him, on that basis alone, I'd go.

alphabetQ · 25/11/2021 16:03

Don't go if you don't think you'd feel comfortable there, but I don't think it would be inappropriate at all.

At the funerals I've attended there have always been quite a lot of people who were there to support others—and not just for those who were close friends/family members either. Some people find funerals hard and like support going into that situation regardless of how close they were to the person who died.

Original poster
JaffaBiscuits · 25/11/2021 16:16

Thanks all. I would need to book time off work and I don't get paid if I book it off so it'd be lost income, plus he knows quite a few people going (one very close friend too); I know he'd like me there but he'll be fine on his own I think!

OP posts:
Essexmate · 25/11/2021 16:32

Your husband has already asked you to go to support him but you seem to be very resistant. Why is that? What if he wanted your support in another situation and he didn’t want to do it

PleasantBirthday · 25/11/2021 16:34

@JaffaBiscuits

Thanks all. I would need to book time off work and I don't get paid if I book it off so it'd be lost income, plus he knows quite a few people going (one very close friend too); I know he'd like me there but he'll be fine on his own I think!
So what were you asking?
VienneseWhirligig · 25/11/2021 16:36

When DH died, my old boss from 5 years previously came, and brought his wife who I had never met. I was touched that she had chosen to come, I can't put my finger on why, but I didn't think it inappropriate at all.

PurBal · 25/11/2021 16:40

Funerals are for the living not the dead. If DH needs support then go. Most of the funerals I’ve been to were for people I didn’t know.

Platax · 25/11/2021 16:40

I can't see any problem with a friend of the deceased bringing their partner. If it were the funeral of someone I loved, I wouldn't think it in the least weird.

Platax · 25/11/2021 16:41

@JaffaBiscuits

Thanks all. I would need to book time off work and I don't get paid if I book it off so it'd be lost income, plus he knows quite a few people going (one very close friend too); I know he'd like me there but he'll be fine on his own I think!
86% of voters, plus most of the people commenting, think you should go, and this is the conclusion you come to???