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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funeral 'etiquette'

54 replies

JaffaBiscuits · 25/11/2021 15:17

A former colleague of my husband's sadly died recently, they had kept in touch occasionally and he thought a lot of him.

The funeral is next week, I had never met him so I think it'd be weird if I went, but DH has said he would like me to go with him.

Is it the right thing that only DH goes and would it be weird if I went too?

AIBU - Go to the funeral with DH.
YANBU - No don't go, it would be odd.

OP posts:
Franca123 · 25/11/2021 16:45

Entirely normal for you to go. I would go to support your husband. I've done this myself.

Loyaultemelie · 25/11/2021 16:46

Of course it's not weird for you to go when your DH really wants you there for support. Don't most people bring their spouse/partner to funerals for support or is that just a thing here (rural NI) where pretty much everyone and their granny's aunties dog comes?

DappledThings · 25/11/2021 16:49

Both are fine. There's no right or wrong here.

Last funeral I went to was for a family friend I hadn't seen in over 30 years but I went to represent my mum who was his friend but lives too far away. Didn't cross my mind to ask DH to come too but I don’t think it would have been odd if I had asked him and he'd come.

There isn't really an etiquette at play here.

Hadalifeonce · 25/11/2021 16:50

I went with DH to the funeral of one of his colleague's wife. There were no funny looks or comments. Nobody really knows how anyone knows the deceased or their family. If your DH wants you to go, I think you should.

Lockdownbear · 25/11/2021 16:58

@MrsTimRiggins

Funerals are for the living, and your husband has asked you to go with him. On that basis, I would go.
This! I've taken DH to the funeral of someone he didn't know. Partly to support me and partly to pad out the numbers, sad but true, very elderly, no decendents, had outlived most of her generation and friends.

I've also gone to the funeral of someone I'd never met to support a friend.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 25/11/2021 17:06

I think it R to go and support your DH. My SIL had never met my DF but went to his funeral to support my DB.

bridgetreilly · 25/11/2021 17:15

It’s not odd either way, but if your husband would like you there, then go to support him.

FestiveMayo · 25/11/2021 17:20

If he knows other people going then he should go with them. But it's not wholly inappropriate for you to go.

drunkensailorette · 25/11/2021 17:21

I wouldn't go in those circumstances- if your DH was struggling emotionally because it was a close friend that would be different.

Newnameforabit · 25/11/2021 17:46

It's not a question of you thinking he'll be fine on his own .He has asked you to attend with him , I'd go to offer my support to my husband
It's really not unusual

Original poster
JaffaBiscuits · 25/11/2021 18:04

@drunkensailorette

I wouldn't go in those circumstances- if your DH was struggling emotionally because it was a close friend that would be different.
He definitely won't be struggling emotionally, and it would be tricky to get the time off work for me (not impossible though).

I guess also I think it'll be 'nicer' for his other friends to speak to him without me there, and worry they'd think it was weird I had come along with no connection to the deceased Confused

It's reassuring to know there's no wrong or right though and it wouldn't be offensive if I went; I'll have a gentle chat with DH...

OP posts:
peboh · 25/11/2021 18:19

I have been to a couple of funerals with DH where I've never met the person whose funeral it was, for any number of reasons. If he asks me, I'll go with him. It's a simple as that.
Perhaps your husband doesn't want to talk to old friends or catch up, perhaps he just wants to go and pay his respects to the deceased and leave. He may be perfectly fine emotionally, or he may genuinely just find funerals really difficult no matter who it is.

blubberyboo · 25/11/2021 18:50

It’s the done thing for people to attend funerals not because they knew the deceased but to support their family and friends and pay respects.

It’s not like a wedding or social event so you don’t need to think of yourself as a plus one. You don’t need an invitation and most close mourners won’t notice that you are a stranger. They’ll think you knew the deceased.
Also people don’t really just catch up at funerals so you wouldn’t be in the way. The others would be respectful of your presence and include you.

Just go

GoodVibesHere · 25/11/2021 19:44

Personally I think it's odd to attend a funeral of someone you've never met. Unless your DH is going to really really struggle.

Some people seem to enjoy funerals, my MIL used to go even if she barely knew the person 😂 I think this was pure noseyness, and not wanting to miss out on any local gossip. I find it rude.

This is one of the reasons that I want a direct cremation for myself when the time comes, with no service of any kind. I don't want strangers rocking up to gawp.

Original poster
JaffaBiscuits · 26/11/2021 05:39

Glad I'm not the only one, @GoodVibesHere. I'd want a similar send off! No fuss or ceremony. I wouldn't want strangers to attend either, it doesn't sit right.

DH has now said he doesn't mind, he'll go for the service and then come home, I think he just fancied company on the car drive. Grin

OP posts:
Whingasaurus · 26/11/2021 05:55

Normally I'd say go and I'm all for life getting back to normal but they will be lots of old people at a funeral and needless extras just increase risk for them. It's an old colleague not a close family member he can go alone

Eeyoresideyestigger · 26/11/2021 05:57

Glad you're not going OP.

Spaces are limited at crematoriums and churches. It's all very well your DH inviting you along but not at expense of people who did know and love the deceased person having to stand or be squashed - all so your DH has 'company in the car'

My view is you don't go to funeral unless invited or know the person well .

drunkensailorette · 26/11/2021 06:16

Did he want you to go so he could have a drink after and you drive him home?

gofg · 26/11/2021 06:29

You're going to support your DH it doesn't matter if you knew the deceased or not.

This. It wouldn't be weird to go at all. It's very common for a partner to go for support.

Honestly I thought ut was strange, and felt like our day "to say goodbye" was taken over by people that I hardly knew, didn't really want there and had never met my grandparents.

That's rather a strange attitude, but surely if you only want close family/friends there then you have a private funeral.

HeronLanyon · 26/11/2021 06:31

I see things have now changed from latest update.
Prior Tor hat I just thought of my dp said they needed support at a funeral and I didn’t think the family would object then no way would I second guess it - I’d go if possible - to give support as asked for.
See your DH didn’t really mean it or his need has changed - whatever.

whateveritwilltake · 26/11/2021 06:49

*Ironically, Funeral services are generally a the more the merrier situation. You should attend with your husband if he prefers and you are available.

The loved ones of the deceased are often comforted by the size of the crowd. If nothing else, quietly paying your respects from the back will help them grieve*

Totally agree. What I find odd is going to a wedding of someone I've never met

GeorgiaGirl52 · 26/11/2021 06:50

@TotallySuper

You're going to support your DH it doesn't matter if you knew the deceased or not.
This^
MrsMargaretBeaufort · 26/11/2021 06:57

I have never understood people going to funerals of people they actually didn't know. I find it intrusive tbh. Its not a party/wedding.

AnxiousPixie · 26/11/2021 07:12

I'd go to support husband.

lizziesiddal79 · 26/11/2021 07:20

I went to my friend’s father’s funeral. I had never met her father. I was there to support my friend.