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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask: have you ever felt utterly trapped in a relationship? And got out?

34 replies

KarmaElBanana · 23/10/2021 19:46

If so, how did you end it?

By trapped I don't necessarily mean 'scared' to leave because of comeback from the other person but maybe just feeling trapped by circumstance / realising you feel dependent on the relationship (e.g. because you've become isolated and/or have unsupportive family, etc., etc.)

OP posts:
dudsville · 23/10/2021 19:48

I've never felt trapped in a relationship. Even highly dependent, knowing no one, no family, and being on a student income I still left. If you want to go please start planning.

YourHandInMyHand · 23/10/2021 19:49

Yes.

There was an element of abuse but also other factors like financial, confidence, children's sen, etc.

I DID manage to leave and have never looked back.
e
Anyone feeling stuck I'd seek support, be it on the mn relationships board, counselling, opening up to someone you know, etc.

Original poster
KarmaElBanana · 23/10/2021 19:49

@dudsville

I've never felt trapped in a relationship. Even highly dependent, knowing no one, no family, and being on a student income I still left. If you want to go please start planning.
How old were you @dudsville?

May I ask - highly dependent in what way?

OP posts:
dudsville · 23/10/2021 19:50

I don't mean to sound like a dick. I just mean you can do it alone. And after you do you'll feel better able to rely on yourself, knowing you can look after yourself, make decisions for your own wellbeing even when no one else is there to help.

Original poster
KarmaElBanana · 23/10/2021 19:51

@YourHandInMyHand

Yes.

There was an element of abuse but also other factors like financial, confidence, children's sen, etc.

I DID manage to leave and have never looked back.
e
Anyone feeling stuck I'd seek support, be it on the mn relationships board, counselling, opening up to someone you know, etc.

Thanks @YourHandInMyHand

Sorry to hear you were in that situation but glad to hear you got out and never looked back.!

OP posts:
dudsville · 23/10/2021 19:51

I was early 30s poor, socially, financially and with regard to family completely dependent on my husband, until I decided I wasn't.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/10/2021 19:53

Yes.

I 'got out' when eventually the situation became so untenable that I had no choice. By that stage I was subjected to financial, emotional & some physical abuse.

I've coped & life is ok.

I wish I'd left sooner (or got him to leave sooner). I just felt it wasn't a choice. I'm still the only person I know personally whose marriage ended. It seemed unfathomable to me that I could separate / divorce.

Original poster
KarmaElBanana · 23/10/2021 19:53

@dudsville

I was early 30s poor, socially, financially and with regard to family completely dependent on my husband, until I decided I wasn't.
❤️ ❤️ ❤️
OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/10/2021 19:57

With my first boyfriend, I felt very trapped. I was 16-18 during that relationship. Looking back, he was very manipulative but I didn’t realise this at the time. I wanted to break up with him for over a year but didn’t because I was worried about his reaction. I didn’t worry for my safety or anything but he’d made it clear he would be beyond devastated and I was worried he’d do something to himself.

I eventually used going to uni as a reason to break up with him and he actually said no. He didn’t let me break up with him and told me we would see how uni went with us being long distance. Two weeks later, I called him and didn’t take no for an answer.

That was 10 years ago and not long after breaking up, I met my now DH.

Elieza · 23/10/2021 20:19

You can always get out. There are always options.

If you choose not to take them then sometimes you just need more time to get used to the idea, or time to plan, or decide whether living alone in a smaller pad with less money is worth leaving a steady if boring or unfulfilling relationship.

(For some it’s real fear about retribution and I’m not talking about that per your initial post as this isn’t your issue).

VampirinaHauntley · 23/10/2021 21:31

I can’t get out. I don’t have a high enough income or have a guarantor to secure private rent. My only option is to put my children into a refuge but how is that better?

With money or without children, I think you have options. Or even if you have a good support system. I have none of the above, so am stuck.

Eggsdancing · 23/10/2021 22:57

I was, I knew I had to leave but a bad job situation and lockdown in my city meant I was effectively trapped. Eventually, I just made excuses and ended it when lockdown ended and I applied for a transfer and it got accepted. Ex was heartbroken but I said I'd lost my job and to move back to my parent's hometown.

Eggsdancing · 23/10/2021 22:58

Meant to add: looking back it felt like I was stuck in a prolonged nightmare.

RealBecca · 23/10/2021 23:24

Yes. I put up with shitloads of unacceptable behaviour because he had isolated me and i was scared i would be alone and felt crap about myself.

Eventually after everything he put me through he dumped me. I wish id hd the balls to do it 5 years sooner (as soon as it started) because within 3 months my life had turned around. I had attracted friends, rebuilt with family, new job...all because i no longer had that parasite pulling me down.

Never, ever again.

I still cant get around how quickly my life changed.

YourHandInMyHand · 28/10/2021 11:24

@VampirinaHauntley

Have you ever been to a refuge and seen inside? I went to one for support before leaving a bad relationship, they offered me a spot to stay and if I hadn't already had a house secretly lined up I would have.

It was nothing like I'd imagined. It was lovely! I'd have snapped up the space for me and my son in a heartbeat having been in and seen it, whereas before that I wouldn't consider it. I thought it would be a negative change for my son, lonely, depressing etc when actually it was a lovely warm light and supportive space.

Maybe you could reach out to your local organisation purely for support for now and whatever route you take they can help.

YourHandInMyHand · 28/10/2021 11:26

My old talk name when I was leaving was AboardTheAxiom if anyone stuck and feeling like they can't get out fancies a read. I wasn't working, had a child with SEN, and I got out. And I've never regretted it for a second, only that I didn't do it sooner.

Take care ladies.

Ladyraven0483 · 28/10/2021 11:34

Yes back in my Early 20s was together quite a long time ( from teens) he was absolutely
Vile and abusive towards me but I think I stayed because I had no friends/family for support, luckily made a really good friend that I’d known in school and she supported me through it and we started going out something which I’d missed out on due to him being so controlling, yes control can happen even if you don’t live together and especially when your young and naive. I saw another side to life and wanted to enjoy my 20s I soon told him to do one and never looked back

Ladyraven0483 · 28/10/2021 11:35

Me and this friend unfortunately don’t speak anymore but I remember how much she helped me and if it wasn’t for her who knows how it would of turned out

IAAP · 28/10/2021 12:08

Yes twice with exes. Once with my parents. All abusive.

My exes I got out both times by different means.

The first husband assaulted me on holiday I flew back to the U.K. mobilised a load of friends - packed up and moved into a friends house- it took me two years to divorce him and as much on solicitors as I got - with hindsight I should of asked for money out of the house and then told him that if he signed the divorce papers I would accept nothing. He had to win.

With the second. I was married with a newborn - he had worn me down and I was scared of my own shadow. He pushed me and I called the police. From then on he treated it as all out war. It was serious stress for 4 years back and forth to court. We still can’t get on at all. Ever. But I don’t regret leaving I’ve glad I wasted 5 years and not 10 or 15 years.

Do it. Get advice and line your ducks up - please to stay. Relocate etc and do it.

Original poster
KarmaElBanana · 30/10/2021 10:23

Thanks for all the replies ❤️❤️❤️

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/10/2021 10:30

I did. I had to go through the courts to get things sorted and my share of the money out of the marriage.

Idony · 30/10/2021 10:38

Don't ever give up your home, your job and your own finances, then you can always walk away.

Never become dependant.

crunchiebabe · 30/10/2021 10:42

It was so hard ... I honestly didn't think I could do it ....
He had been brainwashing the children and they were confused ....I was desperate to keep the family unit.

Couldn't believe it was happening to me , I'm an extremely confident woman ! I took the kids and escaped to my parents ....was granted ex parts PSO and non mol orders the next day.

Divorced the bastard and fought him like a dog in court , ended up with 75% of substantial assets held and percentage of his massive pension.

He will be arrested if he turns up at our house ....

So glad to be rid. Feel sad for my children though , they deserved better as a father. But they have me and they are my priority and always will be .

My advice - nothing is impossible - it's like looking up at a mountain and thinking " wow"
Small steps will get you there ...

3scape · 30/10/2021 10:46

Yes. I did get out, messily really but there's something to be said for forcing yourself to jump. The key for me was sharing the situation with a friend who I knew would expect me to do something about it. Not to support me but who was quite independent and tough emotionally. There was abuse and coercion. I'd lost confidence and friends.

Talking about it encouraged me to see the situation for how awful it was and to seek out better.

Hoppinggreen · 30/10/2021 10:46

Yes
I got involved with a mature student while at Uni. Then due to a very bizarre coincidence my parents sold our family home and bought a wreck to convert around 45 minutes from his family home. I ended up living with my parents in a very rural location knowing nobody except him with no job prospects or money. Other than my parents (who pretty much hated eachother at this point) I knew nobody and my BFs mum was kind to me so I ended up putting up with a lot of control and emotional abuse from him. I literally did not know how to get away,
One day I saw an advert for a trainee marketing position in a hotel 4 hours away with accommodation provided. I got the job and as soon as I got settled I dumped the BF.
Not long after that I reconnected with an old friend from Uni who happened to be living 30 minutes away. We have now been married almost 20 years with 2 dc and are very happy but when I think back now I literally shudder at how trapped I felt. I remember thinking that I almost hated my then BF but felt resigned to that fact that this was going to be my life forever now (I was only 21)

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