to ask: have you ever felt utterly trapped in a relationship? And got out?

[KarmaElBanana]

If so, how did you end it?

By trapped I don't necessarily mean 'scared' to leave because of comeback from the other person but maybe just feeling trapped by circumstance / realising you feel dependent on the relationship (e.g. because you've become isolated and/or have unsupportive family, etc., etc.)

Ps. Things are definitely much much better in my life.

Yes. For several reasons. I had 'no recourse to public funds', was alone in a foreign country and the DV began to steadily escalate after having DC. When I eventually received permanent residence and then citizenship (through my own channels, NOT a green card) I studied and volunteered for work experience/to lift my CV, while researching my options. The advice and support I had from mn was integral in my breaking free.

Yes. Like a pp he had gaslighted and worn me down so much I didn’t’t know which way was up. Had lost all sense of self. No family support at all and no close friends to help (he had isolated me).

It was very hard to leave and in some ways even harder for the first two years while I pulled the pieces of myself back together. Couldn’t have done it without support from Women’s Aid.

But two years on I am a different person. Still a way to go but am calmer, happier and feet in solid ground now.

You can do it op. And you’ll be so much happier on the other side.

As for the ‘how’ - it’s a) finding the courage inside yourself b) having a plan for the first couple of months incl. place to go and access to some money even if benefits.

Planning. It took four years to do it in a way I felt okay with. Looking back I now realise that I was so hesitant because my confidence had been ground down to zero.

I so wish I'd just been able to take the leap and would be able to do that now. Then I was a dithering wreck of nerves.

I said I wanted to leave and it got violent from there.

Agree with all the above - plan it, get some money, start talking to your friends and family to get that emotional support.

And never, ever, be persuaded to go and live in an isolated part of the country so you can "just be together" and give up what money and emotional bonds you have with others.

It took me five years to get free and much courage. The hardest thing ever but now I have a new life, new home, and my child is doing well too.

Yep, visa/overseas issues, I couldn't leave the house without being kicked out of the country and DD being left behind (habitually resident). It took 12 years but I got out in the end, haven't been happier.

Yes - and it was really really hard.

I got married when I was sixteen to get away from my parents and it was literally out of the frying pan into the fire.

I remember when my baby was 7 months old and I had been married just over a year - we had a sort of row - it wasmore of a bicker really - and I said - sod this I'm going out.

When I got back - about 9pm in December - so dark but not late - I opened the front door and he came charging down the stairs and punched me as hard as he could in the stomach - it really winded me and I fell to the floor - he climbed over me, switched off the alarm, went back upstairs and said "switch the alarm off when you come to bed" - when picked myself up and went into the living room - it was completely smashed up.

It was so awful - I was still under 18 at this point and all my friends lived with their Mums - I had no job and no experience at a job - I'd done a couple of months of YTS before I got married.

I had nobody to turn to for advice and no money. Where on earth was I to go? My mum and dad wouldn't have me back so no choices.

He only hit me a few times during the marriage but he was always threatening.

Once he said that if I went out he would take my daughter out of her bed and open the front door and put her on the street. Of course I didn't go out.

Once he thretened to get me taken away by "the men in the white coates" - I was so so scared I cut the phone wire so he couldn't use it!

Looking back it seems ridiculous but I didn't have a clue or know where to start - having the interenet now is really helpful - if there had been a forum like this I would have used it but no internet in the 80s.

In the end I had to wait until I had a job that had enough salary to pay for me to buy a flat - it took 10 years - and it was a long 10 years - I was only 27 when I left but a long history of an abusive marriage behind me. Daughter was 10.

When I eventually initiated divorce proceedings he did EVERYTHING he could to make sure I only got a really small share of the house and he never paid any child maintenance.

If you are in this situation OP then use the tools you have available to you that I didn't - women's aid - cab for benefits advice - your local council for housing etc and try to make it a quicker break than I did.

It took me a long time to be happy again and I'm fiercely independant now with finances - even though I am married again to a really lovely man.

I hope you can find the support that you need.

@alittlequinnie