To want a printer that just fucking works?!

[BertieBotts]

I am sick to death of it. Printers are such bastards.

Does anyone have such a magical appliance that doesn't randomly uninstall itself, pretend it's offline, refuse to recognise paper, says ink is completely empty when it's half full, jump into life and print something that seems to belong to a neighbour, implement a completely pointless 5 minute wait between printouts, just stop halfway through a perfectly fine printout and have a tantrum, or any other shenanigans?

They all work fine for a month and then the printer gremlins move in. I don't want to spend loads on one because we don't use it that often. I don't need any fancy features (a scanner is nice) I just want it to WORK!

Any recommendations?

YANBU. Mine doesn't recognise f@@@ing something.. The best thing for printers is for them to be taken out on to the back concrete and threshed to death with a big hammer.

I so agree!! I bought a new one because the old (not very old) one was too annoying. I deliberately bought the simplest looking one mais non, it's just as irritating. You can't just plug in the laptop with the usb and print something, you have to install an app and use it's own wifi network. It's bollocks.

I've got a laser printer now. Only black and white, as the colour one was out of my budget, but it's brilliant. Prints straight away, no need to clean print heads and the toner lasts forever.

Right, I've found the USB cable and tried that. Windows seems to think it's installed. Great. My programs on the other hand say it isn't. The printing software helpfully just says the printer is busy. Doing what??! It doesn't LOOK busy.

Random internet forum says I need to disable and re-enable web services. There is a set of instructions a mile long.

Oh! Now it's spitting out a page of printer information, that for some reason it is unable to display on the computer screen. I have four usable sheets of paper left in the house, three pages I still need to print and I need to get this application posted today.

The page says I need to connect to web services. It's upset that it can't report back on me to instant ink and threatens that it might stop printing soon.

Yanbu op. I hate the bastards. Each one I buy is somehow worse than the previous one. We need an AMA from someone who designs / builds printers.

Dot matrix. Noisy. Slow. Used a typewriter ribbon you could re-ink with a stamp pad, a bottle of Quink and a toothbrush.

I hear you.

Our bastard printer has a mind of its own. Sometimes (rarely) works first time, but mostly requires multiple attempts, many dark words and dumb luck before you can get it to actually produce anything. It's a wifi printer but it's so flaky, spends most of its time playing hide and seek with the wifi network, and then inexplicably pops up as visible for use.

Grrr.

I'm loathe to buy another one as we don't actually need it all that often. Main reason for use is to print labels for parcels.

I was just thinking this the other day when I wrestled with my label printer that has started chewing up labels instead of printing on them. There is nothing in life as frustrating as printers. I also have a laser printer that connects and disconnects at random, says it is out of paper when there are about 300 sheets in there, cannot find the WiFi despite it being right netlxt to the router. I would pay handsomely handsomely printers that just bloody print. It cannot be that difficult to build one that just does as it says it will surely?

I was saying this to dh the other day. I honestly have never had one which works reliably and I don't just buy the very cheapest ones either.

Printers can smell fear. The more you want it to print the less likely it will happen. Have you tried pretending you don't care if it prints or not?
I hate them with a passion. Spent hours this week trying to print something which involved uninstalling then reinstalling software, re-connecting the network and so on. Same every single time I need to print anything

I feel your pain. During lockdown ours broke and it was difficult to get a replacement and we could only get one particular one within a reasonable time. It is utter rubbish but because I only got it last year and use it so infrequently, I am loathe to buy another one. Fortunately DH was in the office this week so was able to print off a couple of things we needed and we didn't have to fight with the one at home.

My printer prints and copies no problem. But try to get the fecker to scan and I swear you'll age at least 10 years. Why is it so hard??????????

My printer has suddenly stopped letting any ink come out of the cartridges. But if I buy genuine hp cartridges, it is cheaper to buy a whole new printer with inks than buy 4 new cartridges. It's absolutely bonkers what they charge for ink.

They are a nightmare. Ours is behaving at the mo but I know it's only a matter of time.

Have you got a nice neighbour or a local library where you could do it? I print stuff at work when I can remember.

I've got a Cannon printer that cost about £40.

Have used it for massive of printing over the last 6 months or so had absolutely no trouble with it.

Only problem is the price of the ink.

Would direct you to the You Tube video of 'Cat vsPrinter - The Translation' if you don't know of it already.

It won't solve your problem but it will make you smile.

@LilithTheKitty

I've got a laser printer now. Only black and white, as the colour one was out of my budget, but it's brilliant. Prints straight away, no need to clean print heads and the toner lasts forever.

Yes, we did this too. We are infrequent printers and I was sick of all the head-cleaning and having to print 50 test pages before something usable emerged. It's fab.

You're so right. I've had two in last eight months (£117 and £60) I thought getting a good one would mean it would work - but course not! Neither works for all the reasons you list. If you pay someone to come to help install it again, or mend it, they stand there, after 25 minutes, saying: " It doesn't seem to be connecting to your laptop. That's very strange!"

I just go to Snappy Snaps. They do lovely sharp clear, laser images on good paper, and they can help with technical things, like resizing or special effects.

Anyone who can invent a state of the art printer or printing process will make a fortune.

this thread has fair cheered me up.. 🤣

I thought it was just me and my printer 🤣😂

Please don’t think more expensive is better! I bought a top of the line color lazer printer. Wireless, didn’t upload latest update well and went into “deep sleep”. Died! Won’t turn on! Needs being struck by lightning.so so angry. BROTHER offered me $50 towards a new one, screw that. Meanwhile I’ve pulled the four toners and plan to sell those onFB.

Get a Brother laser. Toner from eBay is much cheaper. If you need to scan, use the Adobe scan app on your phone.
I had a black and white one that lasted years. Wanted colour so bought an inkjet after researching but still was useless. Back to Brother and it’s brilliant. Even if we have a power cut it remembers the connection to Wi-fi when everything is back on. I love it!

Oh dear fallfallfall not my experience at all!

Me too. God. I cracked and bought the most expensive printer you can get at the start of lockdown, and it worked perfectly for a bit, but now it will only accept commands from ONE of my children's laptops. Not the others.

It will agree to print something from my laptop ONLY if I ask it to print, then shut my laptop down, restart it, and only then will it do it.

Fucking thing drives me insane!

buy a laser jet, like an old canon, they only bo black and white but work for dcades

My cannon does coloured prints as well and black and it's brilliant.

@Diverseopinions

You're so right. I've had two in last eight months (£117 and £60) I thought getting a good one would mean it would work - but course not! Neither works for all the reasons you list. If you pay someone to come to help install it again, or mend it, they stand there, after 25 minutes, saying: " It doesn't seem to be connecting to your laptop. That's very strange!"

I just go to Snappy Snaps. They do lovely sharp clear, laser images on good paper, and they can help with technical things, like resizing or special effects.

Anyone who can invent a state of the art printer or printing process will make a fortune.

This is what baffles me!! EVERYONE knows printers are bastards and never work, yet the helpdesk people seem confused as though this is a very rare and strange problem. You would think they would have seen every issue 100s of times.

I have managed to somehow make it print the bits that I need without runing out of paper but it's now helpfull blowing up my phone with hundreds of notifications asking if I need help.