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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Part of me is glad dd has gone away to uni?

45 replies

Notonmywitch · 18/09/2021 09:19

I’ll probably get flamed for this. My dd is one of the eldest in her year, has done a gap year at home and add lockdowns into the mix.

Yes, I’ll probably miss her but I feel its time for her to go.

Just to add shes been quite hard work the last year or so!

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 18/09/2021 09:22

I’m ready for mine to go back too.
My food bill will go down, as will the washing pile and the amount of tidying up I have to do.
Feet up and have some 🥂🍾

Hawkins001 · 18/09/2021 09:23

@Notonmywitch

I’ll probably get flamed for this. My dd is one of the eldest in her year, has done a gap year at home and add lockdowns into the mix.

Yes, I’ll probably miss her but I feel its time for her to go.

Just to add shes been quite hard work the last year or so!

All the best op, al though a bit more context to the issues would give a more detailed perspectives.
elephantoverthehill · 18/09/2021 09:24

Yup Ds2 did the same gap year etc. which I am really pleased about given the pandemic, but it is time for him to go and spread his wings.

MorganSeventh · 18/09/2021 09:25

I'm sure part of her is glad to go too, OP! Doesn't sound unreasonable at all. Sounds like the best possible outcome: you're both going to be happier.

Chasingsquirrels · 18/09/2021 09:27

Dc1 was ready to go, and I was ready for him to do so.
Took him last weekend, and he seems to be enjoying himself.
The house was quiet when I got home, but more because the dog was at my parents!

honeylulu · 18/09/2021 09:28

Fair enough. I think my parents felt the same about me. In fact my mother told me things were better after I left.

user1487194234 · 18/09/2021 09:28

YANBU
Mine are both away and I do miss them but they both are having a fantastic time and I would have been disappointed for them if they had stayed at home
Hopefully this year will be the full experience

ComDummings · 18/09/2021 09:29

When I was younger I’m sure my parents felt the same and there were no lockdowns to deal with then so I imagine it’s magnified this year! I always couldn’t wait to get back to Uni as well after the summer holidays, it was nice to be home but after a few days I longed for some space and independence. Enjoy the peace!

inmyslippers · 18/09/2021 09:29

You feel the way you feel op. No need to justify it. I couldn't get through the toddler
years quick enough. Some stages are harder then others

Original poster
Notonmywitch · 18/09/2021 09:30

I’m heartened by these replies, was feeling a little bit guilty. I hope she has a fantastic time while there.

OP posts:
PinniGig · 18/09/2021 09:32

You might get some flak from one or two but at least you're being honest about it and just worn out and ready for the break.

I found it harder work when mine were really small as in toddlers and I couldn't wait for them to grow up, walk, talk, climb in and fasten their own bastard seat belts and I got grief from others who thought I was the most heartless, soulless witch that ever lived.

I didn't like having little kids and never wish they were that age again. On the other hand I like having our now adults kids at home and my daughter rocked up back home late yesterday to stay it's good having her home.

You feel how you feel.

THisbackwithavengeance · 18/09/2021 09:34

No judgement from me OP.

My kids are still too young to leave home but I won't be encouraging them to stay at home forever and certainly not after finishing FT education.

A friend of mine has 2 lads in their mid 20s at home, both unemployed, lazy arses and she talks in horror about the prospect of them leaving one day. I smile and nod but think WTF.

Young adults need to be out there, finding their feet and living an independent or semi independent life, not sat in their rooms at home having their teas cooked.

Wave your girl off in total absence of guilt and enjoy the peace and quiet.

Helenluvsrob · 18/09/2021 09:38

Why would you be flamed ?
If you’ve done that parenting job properly you have to make yourself “ redundant “ pretty much eventually.

I have 3 grown kids and actually parenting independent / nearly independent kids is fabulous

spotcheck · 18/09/2021 09:41

No judgement here either.

I love love love my kids ( as we all do), and they have always had chores.
But I'm bone tired of cooking/cleaning/laundry/ making sure fridge is stocked and generally considering other people's needs before mine.
I've been doing 'women's work' all my life ( grew up having to clean up after dad and brothers) and I'm tired of it.

So, I miss the kids, but I LOVE doing what I want, when I want etc.

InMySpareTime · 18/09/2021 09:41

I saw DS off to halls last weekend for his second year (though last year was a washout with Lockdowns so he spent more time home than halls).
It's not that he was loud or actively "hard work", he was just very "there" all the time.
I'm really enjoying not having to take his needs into account all the time, I can eat all the vegetables I like now, I can leave loads of windows open even when it's under 30 degrees out, I can have loud sex with DH without worrying about being overheard...
For his part I'm glad he's out from our parental shadow and can go out and live his own big, wonderful life. I'm glad we parented him well enough that he can do just fine without us.
I'm not even slightly sad, more looking forward to a new chapter in all our lives.

BeyondMyWits · 18/09/2021 09:44

I have both mine going. Dd20 has been home for 8 weeks. We had enough of each other after about 5... I am quiet and "a woolly minded liberal" where she is vocal and has the newly found fervour of youthful socialism. Dd19 is off next week for her first year and is at the "rolling her eyes loudly" stage, wanting me to parent less... understandably, but letting go is a long process.

If we were desperate for them to stay, and they didn't want to leave we'd have failed. All we can do is step back and let them unfurl their wings. Life goes on for both sides, I'm going to relish the silent solitude before whatever the next crisis/return brings with it !Smile

Lupinhere37 · 18/09/2021 09:51

@Notonmywitch I hear you. Mine is two years from going to uni but I can’t wait for her to go. She has been such hard work during the pandemic.
Mine is also oldest in her year and for some short term significant health reasons is now a year behind in her education. I already feel she’s ready to go but have two more years to wait.
I know I’ll miss her but equally I just crave some peace and quiet, with no continuous drama and challenging conversations.
I have come to realise over the past couple of years that we all have our parenting crosses to bear. My DD was a perfectly behaved baby and small child; no terrible twos, no issues in school etc. All the other parents would openly say they envied me.
Teenage years have become progressively worse, with severe anxiety dominating everything. Whatever help we seek seems to alter nothing. I am genuinely far more exhausted now than I was when she was small. Now I just envy friends whose only teenager dramas are their kids getting drunk or gaming all night!

LagneyandCasey · 18/09/2021 09:51

Op, absolutely no judgement. You're allowed to feel relieved she has gone. Raising dc to uni age is hard work and lockdown has made it harder. Enjoy having a bit of head space, you've earned it. She'll have a ball and she'll be back before you know it.

Lupinhere37 · 18/09/2021 09:53

Also, I meant to say….. it is our job as parents to let go. Look at all the awful threads on here about domineering and interfering mothers.
Adults have to make their own way in life; it’s the natural order of things. Nobody is suggesting we abandon them; we just offer more hands off support instead.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/09/2021 09:55

I am pleased for DS1 he needed more independence and for me as I am able to start focusing more on my own interests.

likeacandleinthewind · 18/09/2021 09:57

I've got two years to wait OP, but I am already looking forward to it.

Parenting some teens is difficult. I find it really challenging in a way that no other stage of being a parent has been.

olidora63 · 18/09/2021 10:01

My daughter who has always been good company was really hard work between ALevel results and starting Uni. I really was glad to wave her off …years later we are best friends!

Notaroadrunner · 18/09/2021 10:02

@GoodnightGrandma

I’m ready for mine to go back too. My food bill will go down, as will the washing pile and the amount of tidying up I have to do. Feet up and have some 🥂🍾
My food bill will go down but I'll be sending Ds money for his food in uni so I'll probably be worse off Grin

@Notonmywitch YANBU. Ds is gone, having spent his first uni year online from home. Before uni was confirmed closed last year I was worried about him going, but this year both he and I were ready for him to go. That year at home was so tough on him. He's still home at weekends for the moment though. Don't feel a bit bad. It's all part of seeing them grow up and hopefully they will be somewhat sensible when they are away Smile

TomFuckery · 18/09/2021 10:02

Time for her to go on to her next chapter in her life
Don't feel bad
My DD is of tomorrow for a weeks holiday, I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm looking forward to a bit of peace and quiet

lannistunut · 18/09/2021 10:04

Seeing them happy is the best thing, surely? I missed them but wouldn't have wanted them to stay home.