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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fake friend?

39 replies

JML001 · 02/09/2021 22:56

I have a work colleague who asks to meet for coffee and lunch a lot. The problem is she makes other dates, nights out and lunches and coffees with others and never ever invites me.
I invite her to everything I organise and would never dream of leaving her out, even if it's with my work colleagues that she doesn't know.

I find it kinda fake that she seems to keep me at arms length. For example on Friday I had lunch with her, asked her if she had any plans for the weekend....she said no. Fast forward to Saturday morning and a colleague had posted photos of them all having after work drinks on the Friday night, which were swiftly taken down.

Just looking for advice on how to distance myself from her without any conflict....I have enough friends, I was only trying to be kind by involving her?

OP posts:
XenoBitch · 02/09/2021 23:01

Just stop inviting her. It sounds like it would not bother her much at all.

Original poster
JML001 · 03/09/2021 22:33

Good idea. Problem is shes asking me to meet her for coffee one on one and I'd rather not......how do I break the contact without aggro?

OP posts:
HopelesslyOptimistic · 03/09/2021 22:46

I have a mum friend who always reaches out (which is fine) however when I respond she always delays her response, if at all responds (which isn't fine)..... her reach out to me is simple because I'm really good friends with another mum and she's jealous. Very odd, I'm so annoyed with myself every time I respond (because I'm polite) because without fail she behaves above.

Original poster
JML001 · 03/09/2021 23:19

Yes, this friend of mine often meets up with mutual friends and never ever mentions it. I feel theres a jealousy going on? How do we distance ourselves from these types of "frienships" without any confrontation?

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 03/09/2021 23:24

Just say "no" or, more politely, "sorry, I'm busy" or "sorry, I'm trying to save money this month." Don't let her use you.

Sparklesocks · 03/09/2021 23:30

You don’t need that in your life - especially at work, it sounds very school girl. I would just keep politely saying you’re too busy with work etc to go for coffee/lunch. Remain as friendly as you would be with any work colleague, but let the 1:1 stuff fade out.

Indigokitten · 03/09/2021 23:30

So just say you’re busy 🤷‍♀️

Whatinthelord · 03/09/2021 23:34

Just say no to meeting up. If you need a reason make up some excuses and she’ll eventually get the picture.

Can I ask though…why does it matter if she doesn’t tell you her other plans or invite you. Maybe she just likes keeping friendship groups separate or maybe someone else organises those outings and invites her along.

takehomepay · 03/09/2021 23:40

Must say something like ‘It’s crazy busy with work right now, can I call you when things die down’. And then don’t call.

takehomepay · 03/09/2021 23:41

@Whatinthelord

Just say no to meeting up. If you need a reason make up some excuses and she’ll eventually get the picture.

Can I ask though…why does it matter if she doesn’t tell you her other plans or invite you. Maybe she just likes keeping friendship groups separate or maybe someone else organises those outings and invites her along.

It’s rude to turn up to OP’s get togethers and then not reciprocate.
leavesthataregreen · 03/09/2021 23:43

It's possible that others have arranged the meet ups and she doesn't feel able to extend the invitation to someone they didn't invite, so says she's doing nothing to spare your feelings. You say there are mutual friend meet ups. But none of them invited you either. She's the one who is staying in touch with you via coffees and lunches she is arranging, so I'm not sure why she's the bad friend in this situation.

But it's also possible that you have been sidelined into the convenient person to meet for coffee and lunch but nothing else. If she is nice to you and you enjoy her company, keep meeting up but maybe don't be available every time, and make attempts to meet up with other people too.

HalzTangz · 03/09/2021 23:43

@JML001

Good idea. Problem is shes asking me to meet her for coffee one on one and I'd rather not......how do I break the contact without aggro?
Maybe she sees you as just a work friend to grab coffee or lunch with at breaks, but sees others as more permanent friends that she mixes with out of work.

I have friends at work I'm happy to have coffee or lunch with, but I never mix with out of work, equally they don't mix with me out of work.

I have other work friends and we mix outside of work, and would continue to do so even if one of us left the workplace

Original poster
JML001 · 03/09/2021 23:47

The only reason I invite her to anything I organise is because I wouldn't want her to feel left out. Even when shes not a member of the friend group she shows up...late. She does this weird leaving people out thing with another close friend also. Recently she met a friend for coffee. They both discussed meeting a mutual friend and she never let on that her met the mutual friend recently.....its like shes keeping secrets or something?

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 03/09/2021 23:51

So stop inviting her. There no point inviting someone just for the sake of not leaving them out. Why would you even invite her along if it’s not a gathering of friends she is part of.

BeachDrifting · 04/09/2021 04:33

She’s deliberately keeping groups apart. It’s to keep those friendships away from you. She doesn’t want you “stealing” her friends. It’s really childish. Stop inviting her. She can’t have it all her own way

Waspsarearseholes · 04/09/2021 06:19

It sounds like she wants to be the social butterfly who is the link between all these different groups and doesn't want anybody from these different groups to become friends as that will make her feel less important. I'd just pity her a bit and phase out the meet-ups with her.

Hydrate · 04/09/2021 07:25

Just say no. And don't include her in your plans.

UnsuitableHat · 04/09/2021 07:32

She doesn't sound worth too much emotional investment - not a particularly genuine or reliable friend. I wouldn't want any confrontation either so would probably keep her at arm's length, maybe have the occasional coffee with her but not ask what she's doing at other times. Is the situation causing difficulties for you with other friends or colleagues?

Lostmarbles2021 · 04/09/2021 07:35

I have friends from all different walks of life. Some are similar with similar values and interests and some are very different. If I’m organising something (although I haven’t fit a long time) I’ll think about who would get along best. Who knows who. It’s bit that I’m leaving anyone out, I’m just thinking about who would enjoy it. I wouldn’t keep it secret though. I just assumed everyone does this. I wouldn’t invite all my friends to everything. Also I like to meet one to one with friends to properly catch up. I’m not leaving the others out. Just hurting that one friendship and making sure we can catch up properly. I’m now worrying that friends have ever felt left out. But then I wouldn’t expect my friends to invite me to everything.

Sharing this in case your friend is doing the same. You could ask her? She might also be horrible of course.

Lostmarbles2021 · 04/09/2021 07:37

Argh. Too many typos.

It’s not that I’m leaving anyone out.

Just nurturing that friendship

Lostmarbles2021 · 04/09/2021 07:37

Argh. Just nurturing

Catflapkitkat · 04/09/2021 07:53

It's perfectly ok to have different groups of friends. Friends you have known for years childhood/university friends, colleagues who become friends out of work, groups hobby friends, mum friends etc. Of there will be some overlap but not everyone has to mix or get on. Although it's a lovely thought - you are not the UN and you don't have to shoe horn everyone together.

However, It does sound as if she is being a bit snide, by denying she is doing anything and then putting the photos on Facebook. If you want to distance yourself from her - as other have suggested stop inviting her to things. If she is at events/nights out its because someone else has invited her. She is not being left out, she is capable on running her own social life. Say you are busy at work and want to cut down on coffee/ coffee shop trips.

Good luck OP

Chloemol · 04/09/2021 08:19

Stop inviting her. And when she asks to meet up say sorry I can’t today, am saving money, am busy elsewhere, am busy at work etc

caravanman · 04/09/2021 08:35

If you enjoy meeting her for coffee etc, then do so. If you don't really enjoy her company, then make a polite excuse. If she goes off with other friends and doesn't invite you, what's the problem? You have other friends as well.
You are massively overthinking this issue.

Piffle11 · 04/09/2021 08:41

If you enjoy having coffee with her, then go. Just stop inviting her to other things as well… Do to her what she is doing to you.

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