To have run out of sympathy for this woman, was a friend.

[Accounta]

We were once friends but I've had to distance myself as I can no longer support her choices and feel so sad and frustrated watching the same thing happen time and time again.

Shes been in an on/off relationship with an absolute arsehole for the best part of a decade, during that time she has lost a number of children to adoption due to putting the toxic relationship above the welfare of the children.

She went back again for the 100th time despite successfully leaving and moving in with supportive family and had an abundance of support, got pregnant again and that baby is now in foster care about to be adopted too.

Still it goes on.

Am I a bad person for feeling this way and thinking enough is enough I can't support you any longer?

Should you support somebody no matter what?

Depends what you mean by support. Being available to talk is one thing. Having to spend money and go out of your way to give them lifts, do them favours is another.

Similar situation and have distanced myself - partly due to a spate of abuse telling me I was no friend of I didn't support her in her relationship. For context, he has done time for assaulting her, she has tried to commit suicide as a result of him taunting her into doing so, and he's been verbally abusive to me and a number of our mutual friends.

I will always be here for her if she wants me but I can't keep "giving" - it was damaging my own relationship and I wasn't doing her any good that I could see.

It's really hard but I certainly wouldn't judge you for it.

@OwlinaTree

Depends what you mean by support. Being available to talk is one thing. Having to spend money and go out of your way to give them lifts, do them favours is another.

I supported her through the court process and helped her prepare, helped her write letters to submit to the court to evidence changes she'd made and was sustaining (at the time)

Signposted her to resources, helped her find new accommodation.

Talked her down umpteen times when she was going off on one about how he was seeing somebody new, gave myself as a sounding board and source of advice and support however she needed it.

I Invested alot emotionally, which is my own doing really.

Never give more than you can afford, this applies to your time, energy and mental resources as much as material ones.

I couldn't be friends with someone who lost their child to adoption because they chose their relationship over their kid.

YANU. I am only surprised you lasted this long. The first time she chose a man over her child would have been the last time for me.

@margotsdevil

Similar situation and have distanced myself - partly due to a spate of abuse telling me I was no friend of I didn't support her in her relationship. For context, he has done time for assaulting her, she has tried to commit suicide as a result of him taunting her into doing so, and he's been verbally abusive to me and a number of our mutual friends.

I will always be here for her if she wants me but I can't keep "giving" - it was damaging my own relationship and I wasn't doing her any good that I could see.

It's really hard but I certainly wouldn't judge you for it.

So sorry Margot, it's such an emotionally taxing situation to entangle yourself in isn't it.

It's very much the same in the case of my friend, she wants you to listen to her talk about what a horrid person he is and to assure her she's much better off without him (when he's moved on to somebody else) but when that falls through and he comes back, you had better not tell her what you really think about it because that makes you a bad friend and unsupportable. She knows what she's doing after all.

You sound like a good friend and she's lucky to have you.

Yeah been there done that walked away I put in a lot of time money and effort into it all and I ended up getting a phonecall begging me for the use of a caravan (I dont own one she thought I did) then asking me for a couple of thousand pounds instead! When I said I had neither I was met with abuse and a well what use are you attitude

I cut ties

I stuck by her for as long as I did as I know first hand how hard it is to break away from an abusive man, but even so something has to give when there are children involved.

Just a couple of weeks ago she was saying it was looking optimistic for getting the baby back as a single parent with the help of her family, now that's off the table because she continued to see that wanker and he assaulted her again.

Heartbreaking for the children.

@Theunamedcat

Yeah been there done that walked away I put in a lot of time money and effort into it all and I ended up getting a phonecall begging me for the use of a caravan (I dont own one she thought I did) then asking me for a couple of thousand pounds instead! When I said I had neither I was met with abuse and a well what use are you attitude

I cut ties

Christ, I'm sorry that's awful.

Hardly a mutually beneficial friendship then, just take take take on her part. You're better off out of it.

@Accounta you also sound like a fabulous friend. It's incredibly hard and I know other mutual friends (who have never done anything to support her other than endless Facebook posts of "U ok hun xxxxx") have openly commented to me that I've abandoned her but I think unless you've been there you don't get it.

Like I said, if she asks I'm there but I'm watching from a distance as are a couple of others. Thankfully the children are older which means SS involvement was limited; they all have lasting mental health issues though as a result of the chaos.

My heart goes out to anyone who has watched a friend self destruct in this way, it is would destroying.

Her social media is full of pictures of her and the youngest baby and in the comment section are between 10-20 people, per post, all blowing smoke up her backside.

"Aww baby is gorgeous mate so proud of you"

"Hope you get baby back soon, you're a great mum"

I felt guilty even posting what I have as she was once a dear friend, but the real fake people are the ones telling her what she wants to hear and condoning the shit show she's continuing at the expense of her lovely children.

[quote margotsdevil]@Accounta you also sound like a fabulous friend. It's incredibly hard and I know other mutual friends (who have never done anything to support her other than endless Facebook posts of "U ok hun xxxxx") have openly commented to me that I've abandoned her but I think unless you've been there you don't get it.

Like I said, if she asks I'm there but I'm watching from a distance as are a couple of others. Thankfully the children are older which means SS involvement was limited; they all have lasting mental health issues though as a result of the chaos.

My heart goes out to anyone who has watched a friend self destruct in this way, it is would destroying.[/quote]
Crossed posted, we said almost the same thing!

Thank you Margot, I appreciate that.

I certainly don't feel like a good friend anymore but then I can't be the type of friend she wants despite trying to be the friend she needed

Gutting to hear about your friends children having lasting MH problems, sadly that's inevitable with things like this and is one reason I can't bash social services for stepping in before it gets to that stage.

Should you support somebody no matter what?

I don't believe you should, no. There comes a point when people just need to be left to the consequences of their own actions, if losing her own children isn't enough to make her change then nothing you say or do will make a difference.

*Yeah been there done that walked away I put in a lot of time money and effort into it all and I ended up getting a phonecall begging me for the use of a caravan (I dont own one she thought I did) then asking me for a couple of thousand pounds instead! When I said I had neither I was met with abuse and a well what use are you attitude

I cut ties*

Did you post about this ?

OP, you've done the right thing. Unfortunately she will never be able to properly cut ties with him. Doesn't really want to. Sadly they will create more babies with each other too. Fighting with each other is too much of distraction from parenting their children. Which is why social services have removed their children.

The fact that she thinks she's getting the new-born back and is all over SM with it makes me wonder what planet she's on.

You did the right thing putting distance between yourself and her. Walk away because you can / while you still can. An, 'emotional vampire' is not a friend. A toxic relationship is just that - poisinous.

I think it gets to the point where you have to distance yourself for your own sanity sometimes. I had/have a truly lovely friend, very different situation not to do with a relationship (although a series of shitty relationships and bad decisions around men were part of it) or children but just self destructive behaviours, repeating the same things over and over again, never learning or changing the behaviours then the tears and hurt and self recrimination and need for lots and lots of support and encouragement and confidence building only to repeat the cycle all over again. I couldn't do it anymore. I loved her like a sister and still do care deeply about her but honestly I just couldn't hear about it/ watch it play out any longer. Were still in occasional contact and she knows where I am if she really needs me and knows I genuinely wish her well but self preservation had to kick in unfortunately.

Do have a relative in an abusive relationship where he's been in prison for assaulting her. She's just had his baby. SS involved. Again she knows where I am, I've passed on all our baby things and will help practically if I can, she's got a bed here if she ever needs it. But to a certain extent I do have to switch off from it a bit and accept she's made her decision for now and I can't force her to change it.

You've done nothing wrong. She wants to continue with your friendship because by continuing, you are validating her poor choices. By walking away, you expose her.

I might have some sympathy for someone who has got their life in a mess, but I wouldn't feel friendship or affection or respect for them if they consistently put their relationship ahead of their own children. I feel most sympathy for the children in this case!

Some people you can’t fix because they like to press their self destruct button too much. Walk away - she is beyond help.

@ToffeeNotCoffee

*Yeah been there done that walked away I put in a lot of time money and effort into it all and I ended up getting a phonecall begging me for the use of a caravan (I dont own one she thought I did) then asking me for a couple of thousand pounds instead! When I said I had neither I was met with abuse and a well what use are you attitude

I cut ties*

Did you post about this ?

OP, you've done the right thing. Unfortunately she will never be able to properly cut ties with him. Doesn't really want to. Sadly they will create more babies with each other too. Fighting with each other is too much of distraction from parenting their children. Which is why social services have removed their children.

The fact that she thinks she's getting the new-born back and is all over SM with it makes me wonder what planet she's on.

You did the right thing putting distance between yourself and her. Walk away because you can / while you still can. An, 'emotional vampire' is not a friend. A toxic relationship is just that - poisinous.

Yes I did the upshot was im better off out and my guilt is understandable but misplaced not one person said I should keep in touch and I haven't she has tried but I've ignored thirty years friendship gone but I feel lighter

I wouldn't be friends with anyone who put an abusive partner over their children. If they don't love their own kids enough to put them first what kind of friend will they be to me.

Yes I did the upshot was im better off out and my guilt is understandable but misplaced not one person said I should keep in touch and I haven't she has tried but I've ignored thirty years friendship gone but I feel lighter

Must have been hard but if you feel lighter in yourself, then it was the best thing to do.

I was friends with a girl since college days. I thought we were close friends but after about 15 years she got increasingly flaky. I though, 'I'll take the hint shall I ?'

Didn't and still don't know what that was about. I got 'elbowed' out of her life. I suspect I just didn't fit anymore. I wondered if it was because she had children and I didn't/don't.

Well, three of my closest friends are parents. Nothing more to say, really.

It's about the only time I've been on the receiving end of a friendship break up and it felt like a relationship had ended. On account of the fact that a relationship had ended.

I used to wonder if she would ever look back on her life and try and find me. All the time knowing that she wouldn't. I suspect I got, 'pruned' from her life. Oh well, these things happen.

You’ve done the right thing.

I’ve had similar with a friend (although she’s not a friend now) who has been on and off with a very toxic person for 4 years. We actually work together and she would ignore me at work, pass me in the corridor and not speak and not ask me anything about my life, even when she knew things were difficult, but would then text me on a weekend crying because this guy had ignored her or met up with her but been swiping on Tinder all the time. I had enough of her taking and getting absolutely nothing back. It came to a head when she had blanked me at work for weeks and then messaged me just with a screenshot of some texts he had sent her so I got quite upset. I was going through a particularly awful time as my 16 year old was struggling with an eating disorder, which I explained when she messaged that last time and now she just ignores me completely because I “wasn’t there for her when she needed me.”

There’s only so much of yourself you can give.

DH (and I to a certain extent) have a male friend where the details are different the overall theme of making awful choices repeatedly is the same. In the past DH put a lot of time and emotional energy into trying to help him change his life and it’d all how wrong. Now DH still is friends with him, he speaks to him and provides a certain amount of emotional support but DH has had to detach emotionally as it’s taken too much of him to keep helping and hoping his friend will change. I think if I were DH I would have stepped away as I think that any positives from the friendship went a decade ago.

I don’t people you should support someone no matter what. People should have limits to the behaviours they tolerate from others to keep themselves protected and mentally well.

There is a type of very damaged person out there who is deeply co dependant who can and will tolerate any level of abuse against themselves but sadly also on behalf of others too. It is very, very sad that they do that but as you have seen this personality type pulls others into the mix and at will damages them too, in this case that person’s own children. I think there comes a time where you have to recognise their behaviour as abusive in another way, negligently abusive, she is certainly abusive towards her children.

As an aside those people blowing smoke up her arse are only doing that for the comments and back slapping gratitude she will give them back, they don’t really think a person who has had a number of children put into care is a good mum.