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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have run out of sympathy for this woman, was a friend.

50 replies

Accounta · 02/04/2021 10:40

We were once friends but I've had to distance myself as I can no longer support her choices and feel so sad and frustrated watching the same thing happen time and time again.

Shes been in an on/off relationship with an absolute arsehole for the best part of a decade, during that time she has lost a number of children to adoption due to putting the toxic relationship above the welfare of the children.

She went back again for the 100th time despite successfully leaving and moving in with supportive family and had an abundance of support, got pregnant again and that baby is now in foster care about to be adopted too.

Still it goes on.

Am I a bad person for feeling this way and thinking enough is enough I can't support you any longer?

Should you support somebody no matter what?

OP posts:

eatsleepread · 07/04/2021 09:27

She's a fanny.

I would never in a million years be able to support someone like that.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/04/2021 09:32

YANBU. To keep bringing children into the world and then choosing him over them, I couldn't like her enough to be of any use.

DrSbaitso · 07/04/2021 09:33

I can't see any moral argument for helping to perpetuate a destructive situation involving a violent, abusive man and children having to be taken away from his menace.

SionnachGlic · 07/04/2021 09:37

When it becomes a toxic cycle such as you describe with same mistakes over & over where you are really just there to whine to...then I'd step back from trying to deal with her problems & tell her she knows where you are if she wants to change. I don't mean no contact (unless that is what you want at this point) but you can meet & if she brings up partner/kids...you can say ' You know my views which have not changed & I do not want to discuss, please respect that'. If she can't ...she's on her own. How can she keep having kids with this guy? Do they have any family betw them or are kids effectively abandoned to the system? Shocking...I'm not surprised you are near the end of the line with her.

User57327259 · 07/04/2021 09:39

@Accounta

I can see that your friend is being unbeliebably silly to continue with this awful person. However the real problem is the partner, he is controlling all. If he was not like this or faced consequences for being this way your friend would not be in her situation.
Until organisations such as police and social services start attacking the roots of these problems such things will always continue.

This partner is coercing your friend into situations. Coercive abuse is a criminal act and punishable by law. It is also time that people around the abused person could make a report to the police and that being taken seriously and acted on. Right now the result of reporting is that nothing changes.
Social services conduct in these situations can be as abusive as the partner's actions.
The problem is the abusive man. Deal with him first. Women and children would suffer less

Emeraldshamrock · 07/04/2021 09:41

You done the right thing you are not her carer. Her life sounds really tough but you can fix it for your own sanity keep walking away.

Emeraldshamrock · 07/04/2021 09:42

*CAN'T

Gothichouse40 · 07/04/2021 09:43

Very sad but you need to distance yourself. Sometimes people can end up damaging you by dragging you into their constant drama. It may sound harsh, but I find these types of relationships don't ever get better. Sadly, some relationships follow patterns and not always healthy ones.

ButIcantsitonleather · 07/04/2021 09:49

Jesus. How many children has she lost? That’s awful. My support and ability to give a shit would have waned when she repeatedly put this man ahead of her children. She may be a victim of his but so are her children and her failure to protect them is horrendous.

Susie477 · 07/04/2021 09:54

YANBU

I have been through something similar with a family member, and my reserves of patience & sympathy are now exhausted. You can only help people who want to help themselves.

SionnachGlic · 07/04/2021 09:58

'39User57327259

@Accounta
I can see that your friend is being unbeliebably silly to continue with this awful person. However the real problem is the partner, he is controlling all. If he was not like this or faced consequences for being this way your friend would not be in her situation.
Until organisations such as police and social services start attacking the roots of these problems such things will always continue.
This partner is coercing your friend into situations. Coercive abuse is a criminal act and punishable by law. It is also time that people around the abused person could make a report to the police and that being taken seriously and acted on. Right now the result of reporting is that nothing changes.
Social services conduct in these situations can be as abusive as the partner's actions.
The problem is the abusive man. Deal with him first. Women and children would suffer less'

I think she is being far worse than 'incredibly silly'. And the problem is not just this man...it is her absolute inability to put responsibility for & duty to her kids above him. Of course he is part of the problem...but in this scenario, so is she. She has support to leave, she's done it before, she knows the consequences of staying away or returning...yet she returns. I'd understand it better if there was some drug addiction involved....only because I think someone needs to be out of their mind not to see what is happening, the awful dynamic....but I guess some relationships are just as toxic. Of course there is every reason to tackle domestic violence & it shouldn't happen...but what do you do when she keeps going back (not in fear of leaving, just will not stay away)...no matter the consequences?

SionnachGlic · 07/04/2021 09:58

Sorry 'unbelievably silly'....

VettiyaIruken · 07/04/2021 10:00

Yanbu.
There comes a point where you have to walk away.

drpet49 · 07/04/2021 10:03

YANBU- I couldn't be friends with someone who lost multiple children to adoption because they chose their relationship over their children. What kind of mother does that?

Nith · 07/04/2021 10:08

YANBU. I really couldn't stand by and watch someone keep repeatedly messing up their children's lives by continuing to associate with an abuser, let alone offer support.

BluebellsGreenbells · 07/04/2021 10:10

My sister would be you in this situation OP she always wants to see the best in others, she always wants to help them and be a savior.

She has never managed to be that.

I’m different and wouldn’t try to save someone, because that’s who they are. The excuses don’t wash. She goes back to him because she wants too. For whatever reason, she’s addicted to him. Wether she believes she can’t cop without him, or doesn’t want to cope without him, or just looks for the good times outweighing the bad, it’s still her choice.

SkySmiler · 07/04/2021 10:17

@millenialblush - totally agree

sst1234 · 07/04/2021 10:22

Why? Why do people surround themselves with these people? Are you caring or do you have the savior syndrome?

ForgedInFire · 07/04/2021 10:26

YANBU She would have lost me as a friend when she got pregnant again after losing the first child. I understand abusive relationships are hard and complicated but there does come a point where you are responsible for your own actions as well

SunIsComing · 07/04/2021 10:34

I would have walked away a long time ago. She’s beyond help and doesn’t give too shots about anyone.

movingadvice · 07/04/2021 10:43

I'd turn my back on anyone who had a child taken away due to their life choices, probably with the exception of my children. Harsh to say but I couldn't give the emotional support needed without condemning their lifestyle.

Notoriouslynotnotious · 07/04/2021 11:37

You cannot simply say she is being “silly” neglect is a form of abuse, doing nothing when you have a moral imperative to protect vulnerable children is a form of abuse. He is actively abusing her, his abusive behaviour probably continues a cycle of abuse he was conditioned into to get his needs met.

She is passively abusing her children, that probably continues a cycle of a abuse she was conditioned into.

They are two very destructive people for very different reasons, who both exhibit extremely harmful behaviours towards others and both need serious help.

RunningFromInsanity · 07/04/2021 11:43

Best thing I ever did was walk away from a friend whose lifestyle I could not support.

Felt a million times lighter after cutting contact and blocking on SM.

She never asked why I did this but towards the end I think she knew I didn’t agree with her actions. If she asked, I would tell her.

DustCentral · 07/04/2021 11:49

Being a friend isn’t about ‘supporting’ them when they are doing self destructive stuff. That’s not being a good friend. A good friend tells them they’re making bad choices and doesn’t support it. If that means losing the friendship then so be it, but you’re doing her no favours being supportive of her staying in an abusive relationship and losing her kids. I’d walk away but say that you’ll be there again if she ever truly gets out and changes her behaviour.

abstractprojection · 07/04/2021 19:43

It sounds like you’ve given her a lot of support but it’s endless and draining

Personally I find it very hard to be that person. If you want actual advise, support changing something, practical help I’m your girl. But someone to just vent to or pick up the pieces each time from the same shit I don’t have the patience for it

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