... to wonder about all these mismatched libido threads?

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OK, first I’d say it must be really awful to be in such a situation, your partner doesn’t want you (or you your partner), esteem issues, etc. There are just so many of these threads recently.

AIBU to think this should be identified as a potential red flag earlier in a relationship? MN has some great posts on warning on people about being unkind, love bombing, going hot\cold, work ethic, how they describe ex’s, etc.

It’s such a critical part of the vast majority of good relationships, how can people not see the problem earlier? It’s one of those problems that just gets worse and worse if not addressed.

Because (quite obviously) it is something that changes over time, with age, stress, young children, medication, hormones, etc.

But I think the problem is that it's often not there, or barely there, at the beginning. Libido changes a lot over your life and life changes (having young children, menopause, declining health, bereavement, depression) can alter it significantly. Very few couples have the same sex life after 10 years as they did when they got together; you'd hope that changes would be fairly mutual and in sync but I don't know how it can be predicted if it won't be. DH and I used to spend entire weekends in bed in the early days and could barely touch each other without tumbling into bed, now we have a toddler, I'm heavily pregnant with SPD, we're both exhausted with work... I'm sure if I'd told 24 year old me how little sex I'd have at 33 I'd have been horrified, but life happened!

I doubt it was an issue at the start.

It was too quickly a problem between DH and I. I bitterly regret not discussing it with friends earlier but I was embarrassed that my husband didn’t fancy me, felt disloyal to DH and had never heard anyone talk about it or a similar issue. I thought it was an issue I could fix but it wasn’t and the trying didn’t help my self esteem.

Tis' chemistry, innit? I mean not as in bodice-ripping all-nighters, but science.
Apparently, the chemical that causes the aforementioned bodice-ripping, oxytocin, is produced for about 6 months with a new partner. After that, you either have discovered that you actually like each other and the feelings run deeper than just lust and therefore you are attuned to each-others sexual needs and preferences, thus continuing the carnal relations.
However, apparently, women tend to get bored sooner than men as women need more mental and physical stimulation to become aroused. Men in their prime often only need a flash of a slender ankle, to quote Ms Austen.

Because they weren’t mismatched at the beginning but then life happens.

It is hard (in this case it was my husbands libido that nosedived) but you either work through it to whatever conclusion works for you or you separate

Things can change dramatically over 20 years.

And "changes over time" may be "immediately after the honeymoon period but you're both invested by then", rather than five years down the line/after menopause/when one of you loses a leg/goes bald/gets fat/stops drinking/stress/children/affair/starts smoking... loads of reasons.

A mismatch right from the start, sure - continuing anyway is wishful thinking over reality, same as any other relationship mismatch.

Yes you're right Op, if the low libido stems from being a sexual or from a complete dis interest in sex, then that shouldn't be glossed over in the excitement of a new relationship.

I think in the early part of a relationship perhaps a partner will mask a very low libido, go along with sex to please a new partner and it's only further in that they begin to be honest and more selfish about their own needs (or lack of).

Of course, as pointed out, libido can fluctuate due to illness, injury, hormones, stress etc which must be accommodated and couldn't be predicted. It's not a black and white issue.. lots of grey areas!

Work stress, bereavement, menopause, illness, exhaustion- you can’t predict how you’ll feel through all this stuff. Best to work on having relationships with healthy communication, kindness and compassion. And compromise!

Because I still think women are judged for liking sex. Admitting that you're thinking about splitting up with a boyfriend because he doesn't have enough of a sex drive or you aren't sexually compatible isn't easy. Many people will tell you that sex isn't an important part of a relationship.

To me it's a weird thing to throw a relationship away for. As in, is it really the absolute foundation of a relationship? I am male, would happily hump anything that moves, but equally could wank myself into oblivion if required. I'll admit I'm probably in the minority / a bit weird. You could say it's a different view from men and women on the role of sex in a relationship. I'd always imagined most men could happily go solo if necessary, but you read of plenty of men saying "oh my libido was mismatched so I had to cheat on my partner". My advice, cold shower, wank, use it as a challenge of self control!

Bungaloid yes a lot of women (and some men) view sex differently to men, it's not just scratching an itch. It's intimacy, bonding and also in sex less marriages all physical affection starts to disappear.

I get what you're saying, throwing a relationship away over mismatched libidos seems crazy, I mean most couples aren't perfectly matched. However, a completely sex less marriage would be different in my view.

Because men are "in their prime" when they are younger..... sex naturally declines in men with age. So what can seem like a manageble problem when seen in a 20-something becomes worse and worse with age. Weight problems and other issues then add in with ED and the like. So a man who was having manageble monthly sex in their 20's will turn into an "almost never" in their 40's/50's.

Women have a massive biological imperative to have kids, and their drive peaks later. But also their ability is reasonably constant.....with sometimes a drop after kids.

What @CaptainMerica says is probably true in many cases. Thing might have been OK at the start, but changes do happen over time, and these in turn can create serious relationship issues.

And in some ways, it doesn't really matter what the cause is, the end result is the same, i.e., one partner wanting something the other does not (can be wanting no sex, or wanting sex). Jeez, that must be crap.

@PeasNotBeans your post resonates with me too. You knew something was wrong but did not address it in a timely manner? I had similar with a long term BF, just wanted quick vanilla sex, infrequent, I was young and luckily we split up for other (minor) reasons.

Over the years, I have known a few of my friends/family in similar situations, but without knowing the messy details. But I can say it has never worked out well in those cases. You can see the relationship deteriorate, sometimes split up, some not.

The one situation I do know in detail relates to a very close friend. She moved to different bedroom, as she felt totally unwanted, found it difficult to sleep/touch partner, etc. That worked for a while, then she had an affair and all the normal stuff followed.

It’s such a critical part of the vast majority of good relationships, how can people not see the problem earlier?

Because it can happen in situations where it would be considered crass or even disrespectful to bring it up. Consider if you become pregnant and then you no longer wish to have sex due to hormones, a sense of protection over baby, etc. What sort of man is going to bring up a lack of sex then? A bad one. So he sits out the pregnancy and is a supportive new father. You breast feed which kills libido. Eventually you reach three years of no libido and barely any sex and you can’t come back from it but at the same time it would be very wrong for the man to leave.

I’ve been one of the lucky ones in this situation. We had mismatched libidos at the start (his lower than mine) and it was driving me crazy. I nearly dumped DP over it numerous times in our first 18 months together. I came on here about it and the replies were 50:50 “dump him, he’ll never satisfy you” or “why are you so sex obsessed? You should leave him to find someone who actually likes him for him” -I.e. why are you a sex crazed monster, you hussey?!”

Thankfully DP and I liked each other enough to persevere and we are now happily married with a much more equally matched sex drive. The party line on here is that if you don’t want sex then you shouldn’t have it (and of course nobody should be forced into it against their will, I hope that goes without saying). But it turned out DP just wasn’t very confident when it came to sex and having it more frequently and becoming (a bit) more adventurous actually did wonders for how much he enjoyed it. He’s now a completely different man in the bedroom - much more in charge, tried different things, much more passionate. So what was a bit forced at the beginning (ie he decided to have sex even when he wasn’t that bothered about it, to make me happy), ended up becoming what he desired.

Over time my own libido has slowed down too, so it’s not like I want it every night. We’re now happily 3 times a week people (at the start he wanted once a week and I wanted him every day!)

To me it's a weird thing to throw a relationship away for. As in, is it really the absolute foundation of a relationship? I am male, would happily hump anything that moves, but equally could wank myself into oblivion if required. I'll admit I'm probably in the minority / a bit weird. You could say it's a different view from men and women on the role of sex in a relationship.

I completely agree with you. I feel the same way as a female. Sex isn’t an absolute foundation for me and if my husband isn’t up for it, I could easily take care of myself. I have no issue with that. There are other ways to show intimacy and love.

Some people perhaps choose to ignore it from the outset because the rest of the relationship is good, but far more often I expect it’s the case that one or both parties’ libidos have changed. Stress, health, medication, having children, sleep etc can all have a massive impact on libido. It doesn’t stay static for your whole life.

I think another issue is when the triggers that cause libido to go off the boil are very mismatched and the other partner struggles to understand it and ends up feeling rejected.

The classic example is when a woman is nursing a baby and a man whose body hasn't undergone the same changes doesn't really empathise with the idea that sex is often the furthest thing from her mind. But there are plenty of other examples.

But there are male equivalents to this as well: men's libido can be hit by things which women tend to think are a bit silly, such as having failed to get a promotion at work or your football team failing to win the league etc.

If your libidos decline in sync its probably easier to understand than one partner struggling to understand why something apparently trivial has led to the death of your sex life.

For some people life throws challenges at them and big events like having children affect a relationship.

For others, there will have been early signs but they've ignored them ans settled down with the man they think he could be like in their imagination rather than the real man in front of them

There are many reasons libido changes.
We use to DTD every day pre DC we were young free and had the time.
I personally like to feel good relaxed to enjoy sex unfortunately with two extra needs DC the youngest is a constant nightmare with an added detachment disorder he never leaves me alone. He is calling me now while I pretend to pee, he sleeps 5 hours in 24 therefore my sex drive is close to death alongside my personal care routine I'm working on a routine for personal care when you look good you feel good.
We do DTD at least once a month.

Different people can handle the rejection better than others. For me it was soul destroying. I left an otherwise good marriage with a good man at 53. I feel so much better about myself, and wish I had done it sooner.

There is a current thread on this topic, that is well worth a read
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4115670-Just-told-DH-we-dont-have-to-have-sex-anymore-For-his-sake

Because things obviously change. Various stresses and changes make things alter but also nothing at all can prompt it. I’m not the same person now that I was when I met my DH- neither is he- so why on earth would anyone assume that our libidos would be exactly the same as they always were? They might have gone up or down for any number of reasons, none of them directly related to how either of us are as a partner.

It is not that hard to comprehend that things change over time- be that libido or anything else.