... to wonder about all these mismatched libido threads?

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OK, first I’d say it must be really awful to be in such a situation, your partner doesn’t want you (or you your partner), esteem issues, etc. There are just so many of these threads recently.

AIBU to think this should be identified as a potential red flag earlier in a relationship? MN has some great posts on warning on people about being unkind, love bombing, going hot\cold, work ethic, how they describe ex’s, etc.

It’s such a critical part of the vast majority of good relationships, how can people not see the problem earlier? It’s one of those problems that just gets worse and worse if not addressed.

This year has pretty much killed my sex drive!
Made redundant because of covid
In the process of moving my family into my parents because of covid
Stressing about money and bills
A toddler that constantly whines and bearly sleeps at night!

Last thing i want right now is sex!

To clarify my post, I did not see any red flags. I was a gradual slippery slope decline type of thing. Counseling really helped me a lot, but at the end of the day my DH did not want to have sex with me, and I did not want the occasional pity shag. Note that I tried the usual advice of taking up sport (I do love to sim and cycle now!), sleeping a different bedroom.

Frequent reader but first time ever posting. I also found counseling very helpful. I was lucky doing that in my early 40s. It made me fully realize that I'd never have a meaningful sexual relation with my DH, ever. It was upsetting to realize that, but also liberating.

We've stayed living together for practical reasons that suit us both. I insisted on divorce though, which was difficult if I tell the truth. However, therapy made me realize that this was not at all my expectation for a marriage. I'd fooled myself for many years.

OP, there were no early read flags for me at the time. It is nor a simple as you suggest. Thinking back though he just wanted missionary sex, get it over with type of thing.

In my case I'm not looking to get married again. However, I've had a few great relationships and it's a weight off my shoulders not to be looking/pushing for a shag every week or two. It really really was awful. The grass is not greener, just different, my self esteem has recovered and I fell sooo much better as a person.

And regarding the logistics of living together, luckily we have a good amount of space in the house. I've had 3 lovely partners since the divorce, but have never brought them to the house when ex-H is here, I just could not do that. With partner we'd usually arrange a very nice hotel stay, one or two nights, sometimes local sometimes city break, so on.

I would have thought that occasional mismatches in libido are normal occurrence during a relationship. However it's clear that a permanent change is gonna be a huge problem for those involved. It would be the death knell for most I assume (based on MN posters!)

‘Cause time changes things. OH and I both had very high libidos when we met. We were very active in the first couple of years of our relationship!

Fast forward 20 years, which included pregnancies, babies, bereavements, depression, medication, menopause... and neither of us has the same drive that we did at the start. He would like it more often than I do but he doesn’t nag or pressure. We get round to it now and then and when we do, it is always lovely and fulfilling for us both. We’re probably intimate a lot less frequently than many other couples but there is enough other stuff binding us together that means neither of us wants to leave the relationship.

I get that things change over a relationship but yes I do wonder about those posts where op states their other half has never been interested, I suppose they imagine they can cope with it at the start and it slowly becomes more of an issue.

@Regularsizedrudy you said "yes I do wonder about those posts where op states their other half has never been interested". I feel like that might be a minority of cases, in which case it could/should be seen as a potential red flag.

Speaking from experience it's harder to realize and adjust to a gradual decline. People can be very invested in a relationship, and it only when you take a step back you see. I'd strongly recommend counseling in these cases. It can bring a lot of clarity. Funny thing is that after I had moved on mentally then ex-DH did sometimes suggest sex over the years. Of course I always said no, that bridge has been crossed.

@waterlego, your situation sounds great. Your description of lovely and fulfilling sex is wonderful, and something that is the distinction between a good friendship. I would have loved something like that, rather than occasional shag that I always felt I had to push for. I'm in a really good place right now too :)

That's tricky. I went off sex with my x when I realised how fucking lazy and selfish he was and how he just felt entitled to more of the free time, more of the disposable income, more of the freedom to pursue his career at my expense, he just honestly expected me to be happy about doing 90% of all the grunt work while he sailed forward.

I have been on threads where people tell me what happened to me was all my own fault though..............

basically, we go through life living and learning and if we don't know it all when we're young and before we've had kids, I don't think that that means we deserved whatever fate befell us.

@allSnowyOwlWan, I'd fully understand your position/perspective. It's supposed to be 50/50

In my case I'd have no such complaints, ex-DH was hardworking, kind, helpful, etc. However, he did not want a fulfilling sexual relationship with his wife (until after divorce and I started seeing another man), but there was no going back for me.

There’s an old adage that if you put a bean in a jar every time you had sex in the first two years of a relationship and then removed one every time after that, the jar would never empty. I guess it might if you got to celebrate your golden wedding ..

As pp have said it can take a long time for the disparity to appear.

My experiences are complex, with a rigid religious upbringing, no real understanding of my own sexuality, no sex allowed before marriage, and eventually coming out. Exh was a selfish lover, which was definitely a huge part of why we were so mismatched as well, but I just wasn't attracted to him.

My current partner - well it's a whole different ballgame. We have very open and honest communication about our needs and how we can make life work. We see sex as essential bonding time and thoroughly enjoy it. I feel it is very important in my relationship, now, whereas before it was fraught with drama and issues and arguments.

There are a good number of posts on this topic on MN. It's just another reason (and probably a major one) why relationships can fail. I think in most cases it is not an issue early in a relationship, but over the years the effect accumulates.

I know what DP likes. If I'm not into then I either tell him no, or play along and fake it (sometimes getting in to it, but sometimes not). Also, for me I sometimes take the lead, since I know he likes that.

Faking can get a bad reputation but it is something I find myself doing in life for various reasons (at work, interest in neighbours garden, DS's annoying girlfriend, my lovely sisters latest paintings, etc)

Many sensible comments on various reasons why libido can change. However it always puzzled me why people are surprised when their other half can't just get on with life without sex. There are so many women screaming here that 'you don't own sex to anyone'. It goes through the same scenario.. She is tired, they don't have sex for a year or more and 'the bastard' then starts talking to a pretty colleague. At the same time she won't talk about it, won't seek medical advice..

Things can change dramatically over 20 years.

20??? 40? 50? -thanks to viagra it lasts into oldish age - I'll come back in 10 years to let you know if we're still at it...

Most people lack the ability to properly communicate with their partners. Changing libidos, which shift with many things, can be managed if there is good communication. Additionally, maintaining the relationship often falls by the wayside when children come along and all energies are poured into them. But your partner is just as key to the family as the children.

The problem is that too often there is not good communication. One partner feels rejected, the other feels pressured, they both feel resentment and like the wronged party, and eventually the relationship is irreparable.

Communicate and be willing to work with your partner on actively fixing your relationship. That will solve almost anything.

People do conceal how they are, my ex-husband did for the first 6 months or so. Then fell back on a range of random excuses not to have sex with me e.g. tired, busy etc. I divorced him for a few reasons but this was one of the big ones!