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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Covid Christmas PIL dilemma

45 replies

Cheeseandwhine81 · 03/12/2020 00:14

Hi all, first time poster and long time lurker here. I’m sure there will be a lot of people in a similar situation over the festive season, less of an ‘AIBU’ and more of a ‘What would you do?’

SIL lives in a foreign country with 6m old baby that PIL have not been able to visit yet due to travel restrictions etc.

They plan to visit her just before Xmas and visit us 4 days after they return.

We’re slightly nervous about this given the fact they’ll be on a plane, at a busy airport etc and I will be around 29 weeks pregnant at the time of their visit.

Telling them they can’t come is going to cause a LOT of upset. We have a 3 year old DD who they are desperate to see after not seeing her for several months. DP has told his Dad that we’re a bit worried and so far the opinion seems to be that we are being neurotic and it will all be fine because they won’t go out while there.

So as not to drip feed - I’m not sure they’ll be able to keep to ‘no contact’ if they do visit (We did a socially distanced visit in summer and a big part of the day was spent responding to comments about how sad it was that they couldn’t have hugs and the statistics say they’ll probably be fine etc etc)

It’s frustrating because no one wants this. But we will absolutely be to blame if we ask them not to come.

Suggestions on how to deal with this with minimal upset? Or opinions on whether we are in fact a pair of ‘hypochondriacs’ and the risk is low enough not to worry. Smile

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 03/12/2020 00:16

Will they need to quarantine when they come back?

GlowingOrb · 03/12/2020 04:17

They might not be legally required to quarantine, but that doesn’t mean coming to visit you is remotely a good idea. Ask them how they will feel if they bring the virus with them? They shouldn’t want to see you so soon after a trip like that. They should care enough to wait.

GobletOfIre · 03/12/2020 04:30

Can’t they see you before the trip?

relievedlady · 03/12/2020 04:33

Op fee for you.

We've spent since March with similar battles with in laws about just popping over or rocking up and letting themselves in etc and eventually they got the message but grumpily however figures in our area were really low then.

This time they've rocketed and after a close call within the family still assumed they would be fine to come over at the weekend Confused

Had to get dh to diplomatically explain we can't afford isolation here as we've already financially lost so much and I've literally got a few weeks to make as much money as I can before another potential lockdown and after a month of no earnings plus dc doing exams in the next two weeks etc etc so just not taking the risk.

You would think we were saying never to come again but I've had enough of beating around the bush about it with them so now they know.

You guys do not need to be out in an uncomfortable position if you really don't need to be.

The close call this week really unsettled us and reminded us it's still out there wreaking havoc so stand your ground op.

ConiferGate · 03/12/2020 04:45

You’re not being unreasonable, it’s stupid. 4 days is the worst possible time. They could test negative the day before seeing you but then positive the day they do and it’s the time at which most transmission takes place.

I’m sorry I’d say to them that you want to see them but you need at least ten days between their trip and a visit. It’s up to them how they achieve it, either by moving their trip or seeing you later, even if it’s not 100% in line with the visiting window we have.

If they could take a test the day before your chances would be greatly reduced but I’d still be really unhappy about it.

olympicsrock · 03/12/2020 05:00

You are not being neurotic. You are pregnant and need to be careful. They will have just been through an airport and in my opinion should leave 10 days before seeing you.

PurpleH · 03/12/2020 05:39

Not being over cautious at all - you’re pregnant and they will have been through airports and all sorts.
Can’t you have a delayed Christmas 2 weeks after they’re back? Just say you’ll save presents etc (especially for your child who won’t know the difference and just have an extra “Christmas”!) and then they’ll have effectively quarantined

Know it’s a hard conversation to have but put your health first and also lots of people are having a tough year so delaying seeing you for a few days will do no harm

DianaT1969 · 03/12/2020 05:44

See them before they go. Spend Christmas Day on your own and meet up properly after they have vaccine.
Visit them for socially distanced walks outside regularly.

UniversalAunt · 03/12/2020 05:51

‘ will be around 29 weeks pregnant at the time of their visit.’

What you need is minimised risk, peace of mind & not running round after other people.

So the simple answer is No.

Littlegoth · 03/12/2020 06:12

I have a 12 week old and my family haven’t met him. My mum lives in an EU country and is travelling here for Christmas however I am vulnerable due to sticky blood. With a vaccine so close, and having already isolated since March we are not taking the risk with visitors, especially those who have been on planes/crowded public transport. Luckily our families agree that it’s not worth the risk. Good luck x

Peridot1 · 03/12/2020 06:25

I think I’d probably plan the visit but cancel a couple of days beforehand due to illness. Dishonest yes but much easier than arguing now.

HollowTalk · 03/12/2020 06:27

Why don't they just stay over there for Christmas?

ChangingStates · 03/12/2020 06:37

Be upfront &! say you'd love to see them but don't want to risk the pregnancy. Say you understand the risks are small but the stakes are too high to chance even a small risk. Let them know you'd love to see them before they go or 2 weeks after they get back- sooner if they do that 2 tests 5 days apart on return thing that's just started.

ConiferGate · 03/12/2020 07:21

@ChangingStates is there statistically an increased risk to the pregnancy from Covid? Sure, you don’t want to catch it at a time like that but I think this is a case where it’s important to stick to actual facts otherwise appearing neurotic undermines the argument. It’s perfectly ok to say simply, we don’t want to see you, it’s not a sensible choice and we can easily find an alternative.

Have to say I’m not a million miles from agreeing with PP saying just cancel a day or two ahead of time...!

User43210 · 03/12/2020 07:24

@ConiferGate No known increased risk but not enough long term data to genuinely know.

Why would anyone risk the life of their baby on an unknown? I certainly haven't been.

Generalblah · 03/12/2020 07:55

With my in-laws I find we have to put the decision on them so to speak. Be clear with what you are comfortable with.
“You can decide to see SIL and baby or you can see 3 year old DD. We are happy for you to do whatever it is you wish to do. We are not happy for you to do both though. Whatever decision you make we will be fine with. It’s up to you.”
If they kick off then so be it. You are safeguarding yourself and your family and they should be doing the same thing. They’ll get over it eventually.

oblada · 03/12/2020 08:07

Where is SIL? Which country? I don't think I'd be worried about the airport as it's hardly going to be more of a risk than supermarkets rly. My parents have come from France over 4-5 times in the last few months (due to personal circumstances we needed them over to help us, covid or no covid) and the airport/plane was rly not a worry: good social distancing, masks, etc.
It is really a risk assessment you need to make and own as a family.
My personal choice is for my parents and Brother his family to come over as Christmas. The covid rate in their area in France is incredibly low, they are all mostly self isolating and so are we. But it is my choice/our choice as a family and had we chosen differently I would have expected my parents to respect this.

oblada · 03/12/2020 08:13

For me the only thing I'd say is I'm not sure there is rly that much logic to saying it's ok for them to come if they don't go and visit SIL. Presumably if they are quite relaxed about the situation they will have been out and about i.e. pub, restaurant, shops etc the UK so unless you're in one of the tier 1 areas or SIL is in a country badly affected I'm just not getting the anxiety solely around the airport situation.
That's my view anyway.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 03/12/2020 08:14

In your shoes I'd just break the visiting window rules and move it to 8 days after they are back or something

NailsNeedDoing · 03/12/2020 08:20

Personally I think the risk is low enough that you don’t need to worry, especially if they will be doing everything within the rules. I can understand why they are being a bit difficult with you if they’re doing everything by the book and it’s still not good enough for you, its obviously going to cause upset.

ImPrincessAurora · 03/12/2020 08:35

I’d ask them not to come. I appreciate it’s disappointing for you and them but to me it isn’t worth the risk. Many people are having to compromise this year.

Nottherealslimshady · 03/12/2020 08:42

Nope. I'm also pregnant, PILs are isolating for 2 weeks before coming. We're doing the same because they're also vulnerable. We're not seeing anyone else, except socially distanced outside.

notanothertakeaway · 03/12/2020 08:42

You could seek advice from your GP/midwife. I imagine it's likely they would recommend a cautious approach. Then you can say "We would have loved to see you, but ......" and you're not the bad guys

YoniAndGuy · 03/12/2020 08:42

Either get them to come before they go abroad...

Or - the day before they travel back, you tell them you've been contacted by the Serco-not-NHS app with strict instructions to isolate. Their visit will have to be postponed, no exceptions, they cannot POSSIBLY stay as it will break the law, how awful but we will just put it off until x date.

A white lie which will protect you by at least giving you a decent window between their airport etc exposure and coming to see you, but won't hurt their feelings. I know at least one person that's taken this route!

JillofTrades · 03/12/2020 08:50

Honestly op they will need to suck it up.
Why should what they need to do trump the safety and risk of your family??
Let them get as pissed of as they want. You and dh have your own family to protect and prioritize. And if they do get angry then so what, they will just have to get over it.

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