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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Farting triggers me!

36 replies

Whositgonnabe · 12/06/2020 08:08

I used to think farts were funny.

Then I met my now EXH.

He used to fart during times when I'd be really upset about something, or when we'd be arguing. It was always accompanied by a sneer. He used it as a way of belittling what I had to say or for ending the conversation or derailing it. He was very abusive in other ways too (verbal, physical, emotional)

My lovely husband just farted twice in bed and I got the rage. I couldn't help it. I'm usually able to control myself but today it triggered something in me. After the first one I asked him to stop. Then he farted again and I asked him to leave.

He's in the living room now, farting away to his hearts content. And I'm raging! WTF is wrong with me? AIBU?

OP posts:
letmethinkaboutitfornow · 12/06/2020 08:19

Hmmmm... you need some counselling.
You know that letting winds out is kinda part of our biology ( disclaimer - can be managed by diet) and can also be caused by some medication...

I hope you get over it, for your lovely DH’s sake 🤔

Frlrlrubert · 12/06/2020 08:22

Does he know your ex did that?

Have you asked him not to fart around you before?

KingOfDogShite · 12/06/2020 08:26

Everyone farts. It isn’t a weapon of war for (I suspect) anyone other than your ex.

Apologise to your husband and get some therapy.

Original poster
Whositgonnabe · 12/06/2020 08:27

Yep he knows ex used to do that and he knows how I feel about it but I've never asked him not to fart in front of me.

It doesn't usually bother me that much. I don't know why today is different. I just made me feel enraged.

I think lockdown is getting to me.

OP posts:
ShouldISurrogate · 12/06/2020 08:27

It depends on if he knows your ex done it or if he knows it’s something that gets under your skin.
The fact you asked him to stop and he went again would have equally pissed me off to be honest though!

Elouera · 12/06/2020 08:29

Speak to your Dr about CBT!

Do you react like that when YOU fart??? Does your DH know you have past issues? We all break wind all the time, so to say he never can, is like saying 'well, I don't want you to sneeze ever again, or don't breath, or cough!!!' You need to get some help OP. Best of luck x

Original poster
Whositgonnabe · 12/06/2020 08:30

I am waiting for counselling via my GP.

Lockdown has been particularly hard because I am involved in an ongoing investigation (I was raped) and I miss my mum terribly. DH has been amazing throughout.

Also I am on my first period since coming off the pill, I haven't had one in 7 years. So I'm hormonal to boot. And I haven't slept very well the past week.

I need to apologise to dh don't I. Oh dear.

OP posts:
userxx · 12/06/2020 08:32

I hate absolutely hate people farting. Its rank 🤢

Trevsadick · 12/06/2020 08:35

You do need to apologise. Unless you believe he did it on purpose?

I understand small things being triggering. I do. I was in a similar marriage.

But you cant expect him to get out of bed, if he needs to fart. People fart. Its something you need to deal with, when you can.

If he fell asleep first and farted in his sleep while you were awake, would you be annoyed?

Let's be honest, there's lots of times we all think its going to be a quiet fart and it's not.

This is a bodily function and he cant just avoid doing it forever.

I understand why its upsetting. But can you imagine being kicked out of your own bed and sleeping in the living room because of a bodily function?

Cam2020 · 12/06/2020 08:35

You're going through a really tough time, OP, I'm sure he'll understand. Flowers

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 12/06/2020 08:35

@whositgonnabe

I need to apologise to dh don't I. Oh dear. He loves you (and probably even your fart, for a reason) don’t alienate him. He is your support.
Sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time but is he really the person who should bare the burn of it? Apology and counselling seem to be a good start💐

Original poster
Whositgonnabe · 12/06/2020 08:36

If I need to fart I usually go to the toilet to do it. I just think it's manners tbh. I realise I'm probably massively unreasonable and of course I realise it's natural etc but that's just me.

I've never told him not to fart before. This is the first time I asked him to stop. Like...I was trying to get back to sleep and he comes in and stinks up the room, and the noise... I dunno... It just sounded so obnoxious 🙉

OP posts:
Original poster
Whositgonnabe · 12/06/2020 08:40

He is an early riser... He was up and about before he came in. I could hear him farting loudly in the living room and he came in, got in beside me, and continued TO FART

OP posts:
Original poster
Whositgonnabe · 12/06/2020 08:44

Oh he always farts in his sleep... Its fine... I'm not bothered.

He is such a sweet guy who has been my rock through so many tough personal issues I've had recently. He's the best.

Those two farts this morning though... The sound of them are still ringing in my head!!

I will apologise and await counselling... Although I'm not sure how I will go from the subject of my rape to the subject of farting 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Whositgonnabe · 12/06/2020 08:46

@Trevsadick thanks for understanding! Sorry you went through similar.

OP posts:
AllNewThings · 12/06/2020 08:55

Hi OP. My DH has done this in the past a few times mid-argument when I've been upset with him about something. It's like some kind of twatty, childish defiance and it's felt humiliating and degrading to me. To others who haven't experienced it, I can see how it would seem a silly thing to get worked up about. It's a shame that your now DH is paying the price for it though when it doesn't seem like he's intending any malice.

Original poster
Whositgonnabe · 12/06/2020 08:59

Humiliating and degrading...yes that was exactly it. I know to most people it sounds like a massive over reaction. I am sorry your husband makes you feel this way, AllNewThings. I hope he isn't abusive like my ex was x

OP posts:
Trevsadick · 12/06/2020 08:59

@Whositgonnabe thank you.

I am a few years down the line and had counselling. I am much better. It does get better. My abuse included rape, its a difficult thing to move on from.

I know what you mean....talking about rape to farting. But its not, its talking about triggers. Think of it as any other trigger. Its not the farting. Its the memories associated with it.

Tomatochopped · 12/06/2020 09:00

I totally get this. It's so disrespectful, I have experienced this with my ex, if I was upset or trying to discuss a matter he would be irritated, and lift his leg and fart then make a sigh noise. Or do huge rippers. It sounds funny but it was such a huge sign of disrespect. If I got annoyed about it he would use the lines that it's only a fart people can't help it. So I would ask if he did that at work? The same way in front of his boss?
But no he's at home so relaxed.
So I understand that it sounds funny but it's not when it's done that way.
I don't think your husband was doing it like your ex does though.

Original poster
Whositgonnabe · 12/06/2020 09:05

Trevsadick I'm glad to hear you're better. I'm sorry for all you went through Flowers

Tomatochopped... That's exactly it!

It's a relief to hear from people who understand. The way I felt earlier when he farted that second time... Well I still feel it now... It takes me back to all those humiliating times, makes me feel anxious and sick.

And no, my DH is definitely not doing it in a malicious or disrespectful way, thank god.

OP posts:
Tomatochopped · 12/06/2020 09:12

I think it's so manipulating because trying to explain you got upset over your partner farting in an argument, it makes you look like you're some unhinged irrational person. I mean, who would get annoyed over a bodily function?
It's a form of abuse, the abuser knows it's disrespectful, but to the outside world it's an innocent act and clearly you're the one with issues not him. People like that are clever, everyone believed my ex was a soft hearted push over, always called him laid back, never got into a fight, was quite timid in real life. But behind closed doors he was rude and manipulating and nasty.

Trevsadick · 12/06/2020 09:14

Thats exactly it.

Its something, you can't complain about wothout sounding silly.

Its not abuse in the form of him putting his hands on you or telling you something like you are stupid or calling names.

Because if you told other people that, they would have more sympathy.

Its a way to disrespect and belittle, but that you can't actually complain about, really.

Chickychickydodah · 12/06/2020 09:22

Maybe change his diet or get to him to see a doctor, if he’s farting that much something is wrong .

Original poster
Whositgonnabe · 12/06/2020 09:22

@Cam2020 thank you

Trevsadick and Tomatochopped yes, yes, yes. God who knew it was a thing!? I thought I was the only one. Another tactic to make me think I'm mental. God he was such a prick

Well, I've apologised to my DH, who didn't know what I was apologising for, he didn't even realise anything had actually happened. Told me not to be silly, and he was sorry if he caused offence, and he loves me. Like I said before... He's the best

OP posts:
Original poster
Whositgonnabe · 12/06/2020 09:23

Chickychickydodah... Its the curry from last night 😂

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