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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset over sisters going on holiday together

46 replies

Keggi · 25/02/2020 16:57

Ok so let me contextualise this question. I have a number of siblings but only 4 of us are old enough to go on holiday together.

Years ago it was my 30th and i went away with my sister who was the only one old enough to come away with me. Lets call her Susan.

At the time of deciding where to go we were deciding between two places; Peru and Thailand. At the time Susan said to me ‘don’t worry about picking one though, because whichever one we don’t go to now, we can do for my 30th in three years time.’

So we picked Peru and i took it as a given that comes Susans 30th birthday we would celebrate with a trip to Thailand.

However since this holiday several things of importance have happened. Susan has gotten serious with her boyfriend (they now live together) and two of my other sisters have gotten old enough to go on holiday. One of them - lets call her Beth, is turning 21 this year and she also lives with her boyfriend. The other, lets call her Lily, is 19 and single.

Now i have today found out that basically Susan has asked Beth if she would like to go away on a joint couples holiday, to celebrate Susans 30th and Beths 21st.

Myself and Lily are not invited. Presumably because we are single or because we aren’t celebrating big birthdays this year.

I feel upset for two reasons.

The first is obviously that i have thought for years that myself and Susan (and possibly Lily and Beth) would go away to Thailand this year, just us sisters to celebrate the birthdays. I feel like a promise that was made to me years ago is being broken.

Second, i find it really hurtful that this hasn’t been discussed with Lily and I and the reasons for us not being invited haven’t been discussed. I literally found out from Susan posting on Facebook asking for destination recommendations and then i asked my mum about it.

AIBU to be upset? Should i just be happy for them and let them crack on with celebrating their birthdays however they like? Or should I tell them how i feel?

OP posts:
MaryShelley1818 · 25/02/2020 17:02

YANBU for feeling upset and disappointed about something you were looking for. However your sister has moved on and things do chance when you're in a serious relationship. At 30 it's completely understandable and to be expected that such a big trip will include her long term partner. Maybe you could speak to her about it? Or you and the other single sister could take a trip together.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 25/02/2020 17:04

Good grief what a fuss. Things change, people change. Exotic holidays all sounds a bit over the top anyway

saraclara · 25/02/2020 17:04

Keep it light. Respond with " hey! We were going to go to Thailand, remember?!"

Lowprofilename · 25/02/2020 17:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Witchend · 25/02/2020 17:09

I can understand that you were disappointed and hurt.

However maybe "Beth" was disappointed and hurt that she wasn't invited.
It was only 3 years ago, as you said "my 30th in three years time", so she would have been turning 18yo that year. She probably felt at best patronised by you saying she wasn't old enough to go on holiday. Even "Lily" would have been 16yo and if you had wanted to go as a four sister's holiday, then that could have been done.

This time they have thought it would be nice to go away as two couples. I can see how "Susan" might well want to take her partner to her 30th. Taking him though would immediately make it not a sisters only thing, and having you, her and him could be a bit awkward.

Why don't you go with Lily to Thailand-not at the same time, and have a nice time with her instead.

lightyearsahead · 25/02/2020 17:09

Why don't you and Lily go on a non-big birthday holiday to Thailand..

Original poster
Keggi · 25/02/2020 17:13

Hey thanks for the reply - just to clarify Lily & Beth were invited when I turned 30, but were in position to spend £1500 on a holiday, and neither my parents nor I were in a position to pay for them. They probably did feel left out, but they understood and know I would go away with them any time i can afford it, and in fact have been away with them each since.

OP posts:
MRex · 25/02/2020 17:14

Why don't you ask if you and Lily can go along too, just keep it light and be prepared that they might say no, in which case you and Lily go by yourselves at a different time.

LonginesPrime · 25/02/2020 17:19

in fact have been away with them each since

Well, as you all seem to go away in pairs of all combinations already, I wouldn't make a fuss about this one.

Susan has probably forgotten that she suggested you go away to celebrate her 30th, and she's in a different place now.

I second going on hols with Lily.

BoudoirPink · 25/02/2020 17:21

I feel like a promise that was made to me years ago is being broken.

I think you took a casual, off the cuff remark as part of a conversation about a choice between Peru and Thailand far too seriously.

People often say this kind of thing when choosing between options 'Chinese or Indian?' 'Oh, it doesn't matter, if we do Chinese tonight, we can go for dhosas next week' without thinking that it constitutes a binding promise that the people involved are committed to going for an Indian the following week.

Second, i find it really hurtful that this hasn’t been discussed with Lily and I and the reasons for us not being invited haven’t been discussed.

Seriously? This would only make sense if you'd specifically been invited and then disinvited. You clearly feel that there was a promise that this 30th birthday trip was a binding commitment, but your sister doesn't, so it wouldn't occur to her to explain her holiday plans to her siblings.

Also, three years is a long time. You were the only sibling who was able to go on holiday last time it happened -- now all four siblings are able to go and two sisters are in serious relationships, so perhaps your sister, having decided she wanted to travel with her partner, chose the other sister with a partner, so that it didn't feel like an odd, triangular situation, or perhaps her boyfriend and your other sister's boyfriend get on very well?

I have two sisters, and I find that closenesses ebb and flow between us over time, so that at times I'm close to one, rather than the other, or they see more of one another than either does of me. It's not something that bothers me.

MRex · 25/02/2020 17:27

Also, I have no idea what I said to my sisters 3 months ago, let alone 3 years ago. You can't expect it to be a binding promise, it was just a chat.

Original poster
Keggi · 25/02/2020 17:27

Thanks LonginesPrime

I think for me the point is, whenever we’ve been away before it’s been open to whoever could afford it. Nobody has ever been excluded. This time is different because it has been made very clear that myself and Lily aren’t invited.

I doubt Susan has forgotten the original promise because it’s something we have spoken about alot. I showed her a potential spa resort in Thailand just a few months ago which she was really enthusiastic about. I’ve also recently turned down an opportunity to go away to Sri Lanka with some of our other relatives on the basis that Susan and I ‘might’ be going to Thailand this year and I couldn’t afford both - and she knew that was my reasoning for saying no to that holiday... which is why this Facebook surprise today feels like such a kick in the face. She could have told me her plan when i turned down Sri Lanka, or she could have called me before posting on Facebook today.

OP posts:
Molly2017 · 25/02/2020 17:29

I don’t think YABU. I’d raise to her in as relaxed a way as possible.
Otherwise it’ll fester under the surface and create a wedge between you.
It doesn’t seem fair that you are not invited because you are single.
Maybe Lily doesn’t want to go and they are worried you’ll be a third wheel? Either way I’d raise it.

BoudoirPink · 25/02/2020 17:34

I think for me the point is, whenever we’ve been away before it’s been open to whoever could afford it. Nobody has ever been excluded.

But it's a holiday, not access to education! People change and grow, and their circumstances and relationships alter over time. Just because your holidays have been 'open' to all siblings in the past doesn't mean it will continue indefinitely. If the birthday sister wants to go on holiday with her partner, potentially having several sisters along for the ride changes the dynamic entirely.

I personally can't think of a hell more hellish than going on holiday with DH and three of his siblings.

Arthritica · 25/02/2020 17:43

Two couples is a totally different affair to an all-sisters holiday, and at 30 with a serious boyfriend it’s reasonable for her to want to go with him.

You’re at different stages just now. It’s natural.

LonginesPrime · 25/02/2020 17:44

Well, then I would talk to her about it - just say you saw the fb post and wanted to check what was happening because you thought Thailand was on the cards.

It's perfectly reasonable of you to ask so that you can plan an alternative holiday if necessary - you shouldn't have to miss out on a holiday because you're waiting around to see what happens with her!

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/02/2020 17:45

As adults get older, marry, have children etc these sort of arrangements change. It's hard when it's you who feels like they missed out though.

CalmdownJanet · 25/02/2020 17:47

I think you took an off the cuff comment far too seriously, it wasn't a promise, you shouldn't have taken it as such. I think you are being way ott about this

liv10 · 25/02/2020 17:51

I would be really hurt. I think you should talk to your sister and just mention how you feel excluded and wish she had let you know ahead of time so that you could change your plans accordingly.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 25/02/2020 17:55

I would be hurt too OP. I can't imagine excluding a sister just because she's single. Very harsh, especially without even discussing it with you or explaining.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 25/02/2020 18:01

Lily & Beth were invited when I turned 30, but were in position to spend £1500 on a holiday, and neither my parents nor I were in a position to

So you prioritised the flashy (expensive) destination over your sisters being able to come on the trip? I'm not sure you can complain here, given that you haven't exactly been inclusive of all your sisters in the past either.

Fairenuff · 25/02/2020 18:01

It doesn't sound like a firm plan or a promise. Have you actually asked if you can go with them?

Batqueen · 25/02/2020 18:02

Do you know for sure she isn’t planning on both?

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/02/2020 18:04

I agree with your point @ReceptacleForTheRespectable. They probably felt excluded and wondered why you didn't pick inclusive over exclusive.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 25/02/2020 18:08

It obviously wasn't a binding promise. Times change and people want to do different things.

Also, whether you admit it or not, your decisions and preferences meant that your sisters were left out of previous holidays.

When I've been involved in arranging sibling holidays, I have always made sure that things were kept to a cost everyone could afford, so everyone who wanted to could attend. If I wanted to do something flashy, I wouldn't invite people who couldn't afford it and then pretend that meant I'd been inclusive.