AIBU to be upset over sisters going on holiday together

[Keggi]

Ok so let me contextualise this question. I have a number of siblings but only 4 of us are old enough to go on holiday together.

Years ago it was my 30th and i went away with my sister who was the only one old enough to come away with me. Lets call her Susan.

At the time of deciding where to go we were deciding between two places; Peru and Thailand. At the time Susan said to me ‘don’t worry about picking one though, because whichever one we don’t go to now, we can do for my 30th in three years time.’

So we picked Peru and i took it as a given that comes Susans 30th birthday we would celebrate with a trip to Thailand.

However since this holiday several things of importance have happened. Susan has gotten serious with her boyfriend (they now live together) and two of my other sisters have gotten old enough to go on holiday. One of them - lets call her Beth, is turning 21 this year and she also lives with her boyfriend. The other, lets call her Lily, is 19 and single.

Now i have today found out that basically Susan has asked Beth if she would like to go away on a joint couples holiday, to celebrate Susans 30th and Beths 21st.

Myself and Lily are not invited. Presumably because we are single or because we aren’t celebrating big birthdays this year.

I feel upset for two reasons.

The first is obviously that i have thought for years that myself and Susan (and possibly Lily and Beth) would go away to Thailand this year, just us sisters to celebrate the birthdays. I feel like a promise that was made to me years ago is being broken.

Second, i find it really hurtful that this hasn’t been discussed with Lily and I and the reasons for us not being invited haven’t been discussed. I literally found out from Susan posting on Facebook asking for destination recommendations and then i asked my mum about it.

AIBU to be upset? Should i just be happy for them and let them crack on with celebrating their birthdays however they like? Or should I tell them how i feel?

Hey @ReceptacleForTheRespectable they were 16 & 17 at the time, and not working so they couldn’t afford any holiday just to be absolutely clear! They completely understood that i wanted a nice holiday for my 30th and couldn’t afford to pay for them. They were other deeply personal factors at play as to why i wanted specifically to go away for my birthday which I won’t go into, but as i say they completely understood and i went away with the two of them the year after and paid something towards it, so there’s no bitterness there over my 30th I'm 100% sure

Things have changed and it makes sense the two couples want to go together. It's a different dynamic for this trip.

it has been made very clear that myself and Lily aren’t invited.

'Sorry sis, your opportunity to say that was before I turned down Sri Lanka for the Thailand trip. I'm coming to Thailand. As planned. With you guys.'

Oh and @ReceptacleForTheRespectable due to their age when i was 30 their being in school / college and my birthday being in term time was also a factor. I had very good reason for not wanting to be in the UK for my birthday as I’ve said

I understand OP. I’d be upset too.

You are obviously all close so I really think you need to say something. As @saraclara says it needn’t be heavy, just a light comment about wanting to see Thailand. Then see what they say. They might have concerns about you feeling like a third wheel which has stopped them suggesting you coming along so far.

I think for me the point is, whenever we’ve been away before it’s been open to whoever could afford it. Nobody has ever been excluded.
No, you chose a holiday they couldn't posaibly afford.

I think yabu to expect it to be just you sisters only or to have considered the remark the years ago to be a promise to go to Thailand, it is after all her birthday and if she's decided she'd like to go somewhere else that's absolutely her call to make.

However yanbu to be upset about being left out of the plan. There's no reason you can't be invited along with the two couples. I would tell them how you feel, it's pretty nasty leaving people out of things just because they're single.

Is the trip Susan and Beth and their partners are planning to Thailand, or somewhere else? If it is to Thailand, I would be annoyed/hurt/confused, especially since (as you clarified in your follow-up reply here) it wasn't an off-the-cuff comment three years ago and Susan has been talking about the possible Thailand trip with you much more recently. If not - I'd just ask her next time you see her if she's still interested in the Thailand trip because you'd thought it was planned for this year. I wouldn't even mention the part about being excluded from the other trip, at least not right away.

Coronavirus has been in the news constantly, and Thailand currently has 35 or so cases - if she's planned a different trip, is she maybe thinking Thailand isn't possible for this year?

Maybe there's another reason. Maybe they don't like holidaying with you? Do you currently get on well together or have there been niggles?

i get that you feel upset and have every right to be however you need to rise above it and not let the bitterness buld up. Life does chnage, plans are discussed but never set in stone. Am in similar situtaion, Sis and mother are always planing and doing things together It hurts when i drive through my home town and i see them coming out of a coffee shop togther (Never think to ring me) or i hear from neighbours that they have seen them in town etc. It hurts but i have learnt to deal with it and not let it get to me. I ahve my own life a good one and good support from my partner and friends. If you cant do this you need to then have a frank discussion with her

Surprised anyone thinks you're unreasonable for being upset here OP! I'd be really upset if my sisters did this to me.

I would not be bothered about the old conversation about Thailand as that probably was quite casual and if it hasn't been mentioned since then I wouldn't have assumed it was happening. But I would definitely be upset that my sister hadn't invited the rest of us, boyfriends or not.

It's not like you and your other single sister couldn't entertain each other if they wanted to do anything coupley.

@Keggi I would definitely speak to Susan about this and let her know how hurt you feel. She probably hasn't meant any malice and has just been thoughtless.

Yabu

You had a holiday with her alone.
That was 3 years ago. I bet she doenst even remember saying that.

Let her have her couples holiday with her other sister.

If you are all close enough to holiday together then surely you are able to just ask if you can go on the holiday too. She may think you wouldn't want to if everyone else is in couples but if you want to go too just say so.

"Oi, what about our holiday!"

Job done.

Confronting an issue doesn't needn't be difficult or serious, especially with a sibling you are obviously close to. I don't get it why you haven't asked her about it.

I appreciate that it hurts when your sisters go on holiday without you (I've had that myself so I do know how it feels!) but even so, I think you ABU unfortunately. From what you've said on here, all the sisters don't go away together at the same time and if it's been fine in the past for not everyone to go, I think that goes for this time as well. You could go away somewhere with Lily if she want to.

You & Lilly should go to Sri Lanka (it's much nicer than Thailand which has been ruined now)

I'd be hurt OP. I was hurt by my two siblings going on a trip without me last year and there was no 'promise' of a trip there.. it just hurt to be excluded!

Just invite yourself along OP.
My D BIL (DH's brother), has been doing this for the last 40 odd years with us😀
Good job we're fond of him.

YANBU to be upset, especially if it is because they've decided to make it a "coupley" holiday. If they'd invited both of you along too, you could have gone and done singles stuff together while they hung out and did lovey dovey bollocksy shit together, and you could all have met up for dinner or birthday fun or whatever.

I think it's very poor that you and your youngest sister have been excluded for being single.

Hi me and my sister have had a family holiday booked for 18 months with both couples and cousins, 3 months before the holiday my sister decides she doesn't want to pay and cancelled , even though shes not in financial difficulty and had 18 months to pay it off am i being unreasonable to be upset and angry with her? My kids are all upset that after a year of planning wont get a holiday with there cousins