To think nursery should have told me first?

[Idontknowwhat2do]

Next week we have a social services meeting and this morning they brought out their report. They had to ask my DDs nursery about how she's been since starting in January. Their comments were

"DD is described by her nursery teacher as bright. She knows her colours and numbers but struggles making eye contact with adults, listening to adults instructions. She also struggles with routines and not always able to focus on tasks at nursery. A SENCO was asked to observe DD in nursery as staff query if she has autistic traits."

DD has only just turned 2 and has only been at the nursery about 6 weeks. I ask every day if she's been okay and if there are any issues that day and they have never once raised any concerns about her to me. Let alone told me that they've asked a SENCO to observe her. If they have genuine concerns then okay, but she is still only a toddler and I think as her mother is should be informed about this! Am I being unreasonable being upset by this?

Yabu. Unless there are specific issues day to day they are merely painting a general picture of her behaviour for the report. It might help you if they are proactive. Why are ss involved?

As a professional working with children, I would agree that nursery should absolutely be communicating these things to you on a regular basis and you should not be finding out for the first time in a meeting like that. Unless there is a safeguarding reason for not sharing information then it is not good practice

Just re-read and realised it was ahead of the meeting, but still I would be expecting them to be communicating with you more regularly about concerns they have and actions they are taking (unless there is a safeguarding related reason not to)

I would be very upset if a SENCO had observed my child without my knowledge.

By comparison, my son's preschool asked my permission to get someone in to observe them to ensure they were supporting my son as best they can (he is adopted so needs a bit 'extra').

YANBU they should have communicated with you first or at least at the same time as writing the report. Do you think they did this on purpose or has there been some misunderstanding regarding communication?

eye gaze (or its lack) could be a sign of shyness & not listening to instructions -
actually (I will repeat this endlessly) get her hearing & sight checked for your piece of mind
She may not have settled in yet & if she isn't use to a formal or social outside play groups etc she may take longer than others. I am surprised that none has raised their concerns. I would like to know the qualifications/experiences of the SENCO out of interest -

Regardless of if they should have asked they didn’t tell you afterwards either. You would not have known if not for ss report.

That’s really bad; senco’s can be wrong and not all parents are well informed of sen issues. If your dc has an issue and nobody has let you know to keep an eye on it and the senco doesn’t pick up on it it could lead to a late diagnosis and potentially your dc struggling along with no support for longer than needed. How many other children have been assessed there and their parents not aware there is anything to monitor. It won’t sound like it op but it may be fortunate that you have found out somehow so you can keep an eye on it xx

What kind of setting is it? It could just be a very badly written report.
Every setting has to have it's own SENco.
In our setting the SENco is part of the normal ratio so is working directly with all the children everyday. The SENco may have made an informal mention to the 'Report Writer' that she has worked with the child as is a bit concerned, the report writer has then gone overboard trying to write the report.
That aside- the setting should me making you aware ASAP that they have concerns, and not writing reports to outside agencies without consulting you it first.

I think there is no point telling you unless SENCO have observed. In my nursery I have raised a concern before and discussed with SENCO who have gone to observe and reassured me it’s normal behaviour for their age. If I’d mentioned to the parent, it’s unnecessary worry

They should have told you about their concerns in a general way - in the same way that they tell you about nappy changes/what they've been eating each day. It makes me wonder if an over zealous staff member is getting a bit carried away writing this report.

My sons school asked me could they send him for some tests thinking they meant eye and hearing etc I said sure. I walked into a camhs meeting and was asked why I thought my son was autistic we didnt think he was at all we had no clue what she was on about. Its turned out he was but that was besides the point they should have told me

You absolutely should have been told unless there is a safeguarding issue!

Why are social services involved?

Seems that this is about more than just the nursery calling in the senco without your knowledge, if SS are involved with your family then perhaps a senco is needed to observe the child as part of that. But without all the information it’s impossible for anyone here to judge the nursery really.

I'd be really annoyed if the first I heard of it was in this way. They see you all the time, why havent they asked for a quick word or given you a ring. I also think they have no right to be throwing phrases like ASD around. ASD requires a medical diagnosis. They can say she is not where they would expect her to be for her age and suggest a referral.

I would absolutely expect to be kept in the loop if nursery were querying possible SEN traits and organising observations.

2 years old is very early to be bringing in a SENCO for lack of eye contact and not following instructions.

If you've been regularly asking how she gets on each day, it isn't unreasonable to be cross that it hasn't been mentioned to you before this report.

YANBU sounds like their communication is very poor. They should have mentioned their concerns to you at some point! If there hadn't been the meeting maybe they never would have told you.

I agree they should have talked to you first (though obviously she has not been there very long).

Sounds like they are switched on though: I would just ask for a meeting to discuss their concerns and how you can work across nursery and home to support DD, and then at that meeting you can explain that you were upset to find out that way and ask them to keep you in the loop in future.

I agree it probably depends upon the reason for SS involvement.

If my child had suspected asd I'd definitely want to be informed, presumably it would be useful to have your input too. That said it's only been 6 weeks so they probably would have brought up concerns at the next parent teacher meeting.

I do have a friend who's child was assessed by the nursery as being almost 2 years behind socially but only found out when she read his transfer report when he moved to a different nursery.

I had similar although no ss involvement. My son has pica and was referred to a paediatrician by the school as he eats lots of non edible things. I thought that’s all it was about as nothing else was mentioned. When I got there she said the school had referred him to be tested for autism. Which was news to me.

May depend why SS are involved with you?

I can understand why you are upset OP, it's not nice to think of your child being observed even if they are not aware of it.

I would normally expect a nursery to approach you first, however if you have been referred to the nursery by SS (or the nursery have referred you to SS) then I can see why they may not have mentioned it first.

I hope the meeting goes well next week.

Just clarifying SS are involved because of my mental health and they want to make sure I have all of the support I can get in place. The report doesn't seem like they have any concerns about her welfare except if I was to stop my mental health treatment.

I think if the report had just said they had concerns about her behaviour at nursery I might have understood that they hadn't mentioned it yet as she's still getting used to being there but the fact they have enough of a concern to involve a SENCO so soon after she started when she's already so young makes me think they should have mentioned something. However they dont tell me about nappy changes or if she ate anything either so maybe I should be getting in touch and finding out what's going on.

It hink involving a SENCO is an extra-ordinary measure, esp so young so yes you should be told. It isn't like day to day we fed her, changed her etc.

YANBU. Basically, nothing contained in school or nursery reports should be a surprise. Any serious concerns should be raised separately and at the time.