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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS has a boyfriend

39 replies

Boysbeforeflowers · 29/01/2020 10:01

I have recently found out that one the friends of my DS (14), is now their boyfriend. I'm struggling with this a bit, because I'm not sure what boundaries to put in place. DS has a twin brother and both of them frequently have their mates stay overnight in their rooms. I'd probably say no to DS having girls stay over at their age, so how do I handle this situation?

I'm quite confident my DS is not trying to have sex with this boy, but the situation is still a bit of a headache for me. I need thoughts on future arrangements. I texted his dad, but he just replied 'oh dear' and was no help. AIBU to struggle with this?

OP posts:
starlight86 · 29/01/2020 10:31

Oh this is a really tricky one.
I think if it was me, and this is not through any personal experience, i would just say to both DS that no boyfriends/girlfriends/partners are allowed to sleep over.

So basically just have a general rule about no partners sleeping over.

I suppose it becomes more tricky when dealing with a same sex relationship because you dont know whether they are just friends or actually in a relationship so the lines are blurred.

I hope someone else comes on with better knowledge or experience x

CakeandCustard28 · 29/01/2020 10:32

I would just say his boyfriend isn’t allowed to sleep over or has to sleep in another room when staying.

cochineal7 · 29/01/2020 10:36

Congratulations for him. And yes, make a general rule on no partners sleeping over (you may want to revisit that in a while - better safe under your roof than sorry somewhere else).

Pinkbonbon · 29/01/2020 10:36

I think I'd be like 'no boys sleeping over for you, it's only fair as I don't let girls sleep over with your brother'.

But maybe just not his partner would be fine. But then if they split it would be difficult again potentially as you don't wanna have to play the 'guess the gay guy from the straight guy friend' game from then on. Best to just say no to all guys sleeping over.

makingmammaries · 29/01/2020 10:37

Either stop all sleepovers or put any friends staying over in a guest room.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 29/01/2020 10:41

Just say "you and your brother are too young to have boyfriends or girlfriends sleeping over in your room". That way you're making it clear that it's nothing to do with him being gay, you wouldn't let his brother have a girlfriend stay in his room either. No reason why he can't still have platonic male friends sleep in his room if that's what you allowed previously.

BlueJava · 29/01/2020 10:42

Preferably put any sleepover guests in a different room. Otherwise no sleep overs (goes for both DSs, whether girl/boy).

3rdchristmaslucky · 29/01/2020 10:43

Oh that does sound like a headache.
The no partners sleeping over is a good blanket rule.

curiousierandcouriser · 29/01/2020 10:48

I agree with PP that either guests should sleep in a different room OR just say "no sleepovers".

I think otherwise they may be encouraged to "sneak" a partner in later by simply saying "he's just a friend".

Original poster
Boysbeforeflowers · 29/01/2020 10:51

Just to say, he hasn't asked me yet, but sleepovers are so regular that I'm sure it'll come up soon. I don't have a guest room and can't just suddenly ban sleepovers after always having allowed them. The boys have been to mixed sleepovers in the past where they all camped out in the living room with parental supervision and I don't mind that.

It's just that at mine, at friend will just stay on the fly and it's not an 'event', so a bit more of a headache. Especially as this boy has stayed over before. We might just all have to sit down and discuss the situation. They share a room when they're at their dad, so I feel he's getting off easy. This isn't something I expected to have to considerConfused

OP posts:
OddBoots · 29/01/2020 10:54

Do have a chat with him about it, there is a good chance he will understand your position and make some suggestions himself.

mummmy2017 · 29/01/2020 10:58

Take you son on one side, tell him that now he has a boyfriend he has to understand that it puts you in a difficult place, you hope he understands but you can't allow sleeping in the same room. That this will be reviewed when he is older, that the no partner rule will also apply to his brother.

pourmeanotherglass · 29/01/2020 11:06

DD has been to parties where lots of them stayed over. I asked if boys and girls slept in separate rooms, and she said that wouldn't work as lots of them were gay or trans, so they all stayed in the same room. Apparently that is safe as they would all be too embarrassed to do anything in front of their friends. To be fair, they are all over 16 ( year 12).
She has stayed over with a gay friend just the 2 of them a few times ( DD is straight so I couldn't see a problem). Seems a shame to exclude gay kids from sleepovers.
I'd suggest just avoiding sleepovers with only the boyfriend.

BillHadersNewWife · 29/01/2020 11:12

Oh this is a really tricky one.

No it isn't. 14 is too young to have sex. It just is.

morecoffeemore · 29/01/2020 11:18

Just because you think its too young, doesn't mean 14 year olds don't have sex.
It is tricky if you normally let friends stay over - you either need to stop sleepovers or trust that your son will be honest about who is a friend and who is a boyfriend. Unfortunately not all 14 year olds will be strictly honest, especially when hormones are rushing around.
I guess I would say - would you let a girl sleep in the room if they weren't a 'girlfriend'? If not then no boys either, if yes then lots of conversation needed.

CatInTheDaytime · 29/01/2020 11:20

Of course it's tricky, for the reasons OP and PPs have covered. It's not debatable that he shouldn't be having sex at 14! It's tricky when a partner is same sex and you generally allow same sex sleepovers so you now have to distinguish the partner and ban them, which is going to get complicated and may not even be possible to enforce. (Because of course a different boy may be a partner at some point unbeknown to OP!)

It must be something other parents of gay teens are familiar with though - I'd have a look for support groups for them online and see if you can find other people who have this situation, if you don't find them on MN.

I also think what's really important is talking to DS and emphasising how and why sex is not OK until the age of consent, and getting his thoughts on it . Ultimately you cannot stop a teen having sex with rules and physical separation, because you're not always with them. But you can help them to understand it all and consider why we have an age of consent and think about the benefits of not going there.

SJaneS48 · 29/01/2020 11:23

My eldest is DD is pan sexual - it did come when I found out (she was 15/16) as a complete surprise and a girl who’d been over for numerous sleepovers turned out to be her girlfriend.

I was really anxious to be as supportive as possible and scared of coming off as homophobic in anyway but didn’t want anymore sleepovers with her girlfriend. I spoke to a gay friend who really simply put things in perspective for me and asked ‘would I allow her to have a 15 year old boy in her room for the night? ‘ and my answer to that should be how I treat the situation.

I’d allow a group sleepover in one room if I was in the house OP (they are v unlikely to be having orgies!) but say no to anything else sleeping over wise. It also helps to get your head around it (as it’s not an unpleasant change but a change nonetheless!) is have DS’s partner over for a low key lunch sometime without making any big deal of it.

DD has had both boy and girlfriends and current partner is gender fluid. She’s happy - it’s not important who they date really, only that they’re not tossers!

2monstermash · 29/01/2020 11:32

Suddenly banning sleepovers seems almost like a punishment for having a boyfriend. I wouldn't do it.

Could you not just insist that there has to be a group of people in the room, e.g. not just DS and boyfriend?

Or what about people in the lounge?

I think it's fair enough to sit down with your son, explain why this is going to be a challenge and think up a solution together. He should understand why you won't let them sleep together at their age.

Original poster
Boysbeforeflowers · 29/01/2020 11:35

@BillHadersNewWife

It isn't just about sex. One of the main issues I'm having is that I have another son of the exact same age who is straight. I can't just ban sleepovers for him, because his brother might try it on with a boy. I trust my son, but I don't want him to be in a vulnerable situation where it could be more difficult for him to say no, so perhaps I could just talk to him about it. They are both closer to their dad than to me when it comes to these issues, but the sleepovers happen at mine, so it becomes my headache. If I had only the one gay son I suspect this would be a little easier.

OP posts:
Luckystar777 · 29/01/2020 11:35

You have to treat your kids equally. And even though there's no pregnancy risk, there's certainly plenty other risks! Even if you tell them they can't sleepover, they could still have sex elsewhere so it's important to make sure he knows all about safe sex.

MrsStrangerThing · 29/01/2020 11:37

Do your boys share a room? If so, surely they can bunk in together and the guest sleep in the vacant room? If they do share, then surely there won't be any funny business?

Thelnebriati · 29/01/2020 11:44

''I trust my son, but I don't want him to be in a vulnerable situation where it could be more difficult for him to say no,''
Tell him that. He needs to know you are on his side, not just trying to be controlling for the sake of it. Don't assume he already knows it, say it to him.
Say you have the same rules for all partners, and that's 'you might not feel it, but you're too young to be having sex'.

BloodyGlasses · 29/01/2020 11:48

14 is too young to be sharing a bed or room with your partner, boy or girl.

BloodyGlasses · 29/01/2020 11:49

Maybe if the twins share a bedroom and there is a camp bed or something and you can still pop in to check on them in the night.
Your right about it being a headache bless you!

Original poster
Boysbeforeflowers · 29/01/2020 12:00

@MrsStrangerThing They don't share a room.

They're close, but they really enjoy the fact that they can have their own room with their own friends whilst at mine, so them sharing a room when friends stay is a little counterproductive. They already share during most of the week.

OP posts:
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